


2 am

by soobadnoonecanstopher



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Humor, Angst with a Happy Ending, Childhood Friends, F/M, Friends With Benefits, Kim Minseok | Xiumin-centric, Male-Female Friendship, Secret Relationship, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-18
Updated: 2018-04-18
Packaged: 2019-04-24 16:47:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 86,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14359548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soobadnoonecanstopher/pseuds/soobadnoonecanstopher
Summary: You have been continuing a secret friends-with-benefits relationship with your best friends older brother Minseok, who is idol group EXO's Xiumin, for two years now, while secretly concealing the very real growing feelings you've always had for him. A sudden blind date for you and for him suddenly forces you to face those feelings or end the relationship entirely.





	1. One

 

 

_**“Why don't you come over for dinner? My brother’s in town and he asked if you were coming over for dinner.”** _

  
_He asked if you were coming over._

  
You stared down at your lit cellphone with the text from Minhee, your best friend since elementary school, a familiar rush of nerves bursting through your belly as you read it over and over.

  
_He asked._

  
How long had it been since you'd seen Minseok? His schedule with EXO was always so busy, it was rare that you got to see him at Minhee’s parent’s house for dinner.

  
Not that you didn't get to see him other times when he was in town. Even then, it had to have been two months since you saw him last. In person at least. His face was everywhere due to his fame.

  
_The knock on your door at 2am pulled you away from the movie you had been immersed in. One look through your peep hole and you were thrust back into it. Into him. He was in town and he was knocking at your door at 2am, which could only mean one thing._

  
_”Oh good, you're up.” Minseok always tried too hard to sound casual when he knocked at your door at 2am, but the look in his eyes was never convincing enough. He was horny and you were always willing to give in to him._

  
Your fingers typed away in response to the text from Minhee.

  
_**”Yeah sure, I’d love to see everybody. I’ll stop by.”** _

  
_”I’m not exactly in a position for a relationship...you understand that right?”_

  
You heard those words from his lips immediately after you slept with him the first time and the sting was real. You’d given in to him so easily that first time. The truth was you'd dreamed about it happening for such a long time that when it finally happened you felt the very short lived hope inside your chest that maybe…. just maybe--

  
_”No, I get it. Don’t worry about me, I’m...also not looking for anything serious.”_

  
_”So you don't mind if I… come see you again some time? Just when I’m in town?”_

  
Now you had promised to make an appearance tonight at dinner. Dinner at their big table where you practically had your own spot in between Minhee and the empty seat of Minseok’s that was filled only a handful of times a year. Your bed had been occupied by him at least three times the rate of that dinner seat...since that first time. After you both caved and finally gave in to each other..gave in to what had been building for years and years.

  
The first family dinner after that first new and exciting step in your relationship with Minseok had been tense. Much more tense than when the flirting had been enough.

  
Much more tense than after the stolen glances had turned into outright staring and small touches turned to a stolen kiss inside the walk-in pantry that sat off the kitchen; with his mother making gravy at the stove, shouting for him to bring her the bag of flour. You could still remember the feel of his hands on your jaw. His fingers slipping into your hair slowly as his lips pushed up against your own stunned ones -- before he slipped out of the door with the bag of flour and left you alone in that pantry with a racing heart and a mind full of questions.

  
Minhee didn't know. Minhee parents didn't know. It was a complete secret to everyone and Minseok was an excellent actor when their eyes were watching. He was calm and composed and used nearly every opportunity to torture you in secret while simultaneously reminding you how important it was to keep this a secret from his family. His hand would slip up your skirt, too warm and too high on your thigh, hidden below a long draping tablecloth and would look at you in genuine surprise if you reacted, asking if you were okay when his fingertips reached your panties and began trailing slow circles over the moistening fabric.

  
If it wasn't so much fun, you would've put a stop to it months ago. As it was now, you were weak to him.

  
And he knew it.

  
He was a good fuck and you were lonely. Your job demanded a lot of your time, not nearly as much as Minseok’s of course, but after trying and failing to keep a steady relationship going with a man, you’d given up, again and again, complaining on the phone to him how needy most of the men you dated were. He would laugh knowingly and add that maybe you were not the relationship type. Part of you wondered how much of that was his wishful thinking, and how much was a genuine assessment of your datability. But the other part of you knew that he was right. You were too busy for a relationship. He was too busy for a relationship. And the two of you had an understanding now that simply worked for you both. If there was anyone who understood your plight, it was him.

  
But something felt different this time. You told yourself it had to just be the long absence, but that made little sense. He'd been gone for longer periods of time before. Maybe it was the last phone call you'd had with him when he'd called you somewhat drunk and needy and you helped him through it while he was on tour.

  
_“Goodnight, I’ll talk to you tomorrow, love you.”_

  
His slurred parting echoed in your memory now just as it had again and again long after the call was disconnected and your phone had gone blank.

  
_...love you...love you...love you…_

  
It was a slip. He didn't mean it.

  
He had always been so careful. He’d never done that before. And he didn't call you for three weeks after that phone call. Texting you an excuse about being too busy for missing your calls and never once mentioning the slip.

  
The words he must have said out of habit.

  
The words he could never mean because they were against the rules.

  
You stood in front of your open closet, eyeing the short skirt you had picked out to go with the long flowing top. Next to the skirt sat a pair of skinny jeans, equally as cute and you stared at the two items as if the jeans ever stood a chance.

  
The cool breeze hit your bare legs, causing a ripple of goosebumps to flare across your skin as you stood at the end of the driveway that led up to the upscale home in the nice part of town. The home that was so familiar to you that you knew every crack in the cobblestone and every groove of wood of the banister that lined the steps up to the front door. You winced and rubbed away at the goosebumps. Annoyed at the thought that your freshly shaven legs might feel a little prickly under roaming hands, should those hands make their way along flesh you had so painstakingly shaved mere hours before.

  
You lifted a hand to ring the doorbell. The gesture feeling foreign in itself at this door that you were so accustomed to opening and just walking through but tonight's dinner felt different somehow. Minseok was back and your stomach was in your throat as you waited for someone to answer the door, feeling like a fake for all this effort.

  
The sound of someone's voice drew near and the door was pulled open as a smiling Minhee peered around the wood at you.

  
“You weirdo, why didn't you just come in?” She turned quickly and retreated through her home, laughing at your sudden awkwardness and you quickly followed behind your best friend as she led you into the large kitchen. Your eyes scanned the room quickly, glancing down the hallway that you knew led to his room before you quickly looked forward, keeping the guilt from your expression.

  
“Long time no see.” A familiar soft voice spoke up behind you and you whirled around with your passive yet friendly smile in place. Minseok had emerged from the living room and intercepted you both as you entered the kitchen.

  
“Oppa, it's so nice to see you again,” you said through your wide friendly smile that you had practiced in front of your mirror as you got dressed for tonight and you watched his eyes dance around your face as he leaned in to wrap you in a tight hug.

  
You tried your best not to linger. You felt the rush in his arms as well and you quickly returned the embrace with a few taps on his back, between his shoulder blades and you felt his fingers slip a bit slower down your own back before he took a step back and the contact was broken.

  
The damage from his hug had been substantial. Your heart raged against your rib cage and you lifted your hand to touch your face as you looked away from him and away from Minhee, trying to quell the heat you felt in your cheeks. He smelled different than he had before. More expensive, cleaner and more like someone so unattainable you wondered how you'd ever managed to get him to spend even a few seconds of his very exclusive attention on you.

  
You felt, very suddenly smaller than you had before. Very...less than before and you sniffled into yourself as you quietly excused yourself for the bathroom.

  
Your feet carried you down the hallway to the private bathroom off of Minhee’s room where you knew you would find a few moments to think.

  
It was the reunion. It would pass and you would open up and find the comfort in your friends again if you just had a damn minute.

  
The faucet ran freely into the porcelain sink and the sound calmed your nerves a bit.

  
You hated this part. Knowing the strong effect he always had on you. Knowing that he knew it as well. Why had you ever given him so much power over you?

  
That didn't matter. You just needed a few minutes to put your carefully constructed walls back up and you would get through this dinner in one piece. You'd play your part well and you'd eat with a smile, make small talk with Mr. and Mrs. Kim while you shook off his hands roaming under the tablecloth and you'd leave this place alive.

  
With the well-guarded secret of two years still very much intact and protected.

  
And you would go home and hug your cat as your leg shook on your sofa and you waited for the soft knock on your door that would come at 2 am.

  
Because he was back in town. The temptation would be too great for him to resist. Just as it was too great of a temptation for you to turn him away.

  
Your mind dwelled on that soft knock as you watched the water flow down the sink. Environmental impact of the gallons of water wasted be damned, you needed this.

  
That soft knock. Always twice. Always at 2 am. A sound so significant you practically felt your wetness growing as you thought about the sound of it. Having been so conditioned to him by now, it hardly even took any effort on his part to get you in the mood when you heard that sound.

  
And when you finally straightened up your skirt, fixing your top, which had not even fallen out of place one bit, you cut off the water and you stared at your reflection in the mirror.

  
And you heard it.

  
Two soft knocks on the bathroom door.

  
You knew who it was.

  
Your hand moved on its own and you turned the lock. He would hear the click and in a few minutes, the door would open as he slipped inside.

  
You didn't even need to look by now to know what was happening and you smelled him again.

  
That fancy new smell of his. Different. More than before. He always came back more.

  
“You okay? Why’d you run away like that?” He wasn't touching you with his hands, but his voice was cradling your face with warm fingertips and inching along your jaw toward the sensitive skin just below your ear.

  
“I’m fine Minseok, I just needed a moment.” You breathed in a deep calming breath and turned to look at him. He watched you with slightly amused eyes that lingered too long everywhere they looked.

  
Maybe that was just the power of his eyes.

  
Minhee had the same eyes as Minseok. Why were his such powerful weapons against you, when hers were simply comfort and love? His were disarming. His were debilitating. And he was watching you as he raised a single eyebrow on his pretty face and smirked.

  
“ _Oppa_. You call me _Oppa_ here, remember?” His voice was suddenly snarky and you puffed out a small laugh as you rolled your eyes and shook your head.

  
You couldn't remember when it was that this little game lost so much of its appeal, but you suddenly didn't want to play anymore. Not with him looking at you like that and not with Minhee and her parents under the same roof. So you turned and made your way to exit the bathroom so you could great his parents, sit down and eat and get the hell home before you lost your ability to think straight around him again.

  
“Don't worry Oppa, I remember all of the rules.” You slipped past him, aiming for the exit behind where he stood and you felt warm fingers grip lightly on your wrist as you moved into his reach.

  
Your stupid feet stopped moving.

  
“I missed you.”  
  
You closed your eyes at the sound of his words. So well played and well calculated and you could feel yourself falling back into it. Into the game. You had been such a willing player for so long it felt like second nature. You no longer needed to keep score or even be reminded of the rules.

  
When you opened your eyes again he was watching you with a strange look of vulnerability you rarely saw from him. That look. You never saw it during the sex. The sex with Minseok was passionate and raw. Needy and demanding. You only glimpsed this look in the wee hours of the morning as he pulled his pants up and buckled his belt, grabbed his coat and hat and pulled them on and turned to look once back at you as you laid on your bed, not caring to cover your nakedness from the man you had just fucked. He always left after that look. That look was a signal that he was about to run.

  
You cocked your head, curious now as to why you would see a look like that in his eyes now.

  
When he leaned in you didn't even pull away. You accepted what would happen. When his lips touched yours it was familiar--

  
\--and he was home. You could feel it so completely in your bones with his soft lips pressed up against yours in the quiet private space of the bathroom at his parents and house as they waited in the dining room sipping on seltzer water with lime wedges, waiting for the caterers to serve the soup.

  
Although the smell of him had changed, the taste of his mouth was familiar. Clean, warm, wet and wanting, his head angled and you felt a surge inside him as he took a step into you. His hands lifted into you and you felt fingers against the nape of your neck and a warm hand around your waist, pulling you into him. Hidden just below the passion and the want you tasted what you were sure was a hint of alcohol. It was faint, but there. A pre-family dinner shot no doubt, to settle his busy mind. Minseok’s mind was always too busy and his legs too jumpy to sit still and he often turned to alcohol to settle himself.

  
He was an adult and he could do as he pleased, but the bitter taste brought you back to your senses. This was against the rules. _No funny business at his parent's house._ A rule he rarely enforced when it suited him, but liked to remind you of when you found yourself too affected by his touches and teasings during dinner or under the big shared blanket as you sat on the couch next to him during family movie nights. How long had it been since he had time for that?

  
He felt you stiffen and pull back from the kiss and with a quick turn of his head away from you his hands dropped their hold on your neck and your waist and you felt the cold absence of him as he retreated from you.

  
The silence of the bathroom was peppered with heavy breaths from both of you and after ten seconds you cleared your throat and wiped the wetness from your lips with the back of your hand.

  
This time, your path to the exit remained unobstructed by warm fingertips, roaming hands, and passionate stolen kisses and you made your swift escape, leaving him to deal with his own rule violation and the aftereffects of such unacceptable behavior alone.

  
In the dining room, you were greeted by the warmth of Mrs. Kim's smiles and the disinterested nod of Mr. Kim, who scrolled through something on a tablet at the table.

  
“Honey put the technology away, dinner’s about to start.” Mrs. Kim lightly nagged her husband who waved a hand to silence his wife. She didn't mean it though and she was soon busy talking with you about Minseok's latest successes in the music industry.

  
“Actually I wanted to discuss something with you honey--” you half paid attention as you listened for the sounds of his footsteps in the dining room that would indicate his arrival and your need to guard your heart again. You could ever let your guard down when Kim Minseok was in town.

  
“-- so, what do you think? Will you meet him?” Mrs. Kim was asking something of you and you smiled as you half listened to her words. You were sure you'd heard the bathroom door closing and Minhee was shifting in her seat next to you now, turning to look back at her entering brother.

  
“Mm-hmm” your response to Mrs. Kim made her face light up like the Fourth of July and she excitedly clapped her hands together in glee and your eyes widened in a sudden panic as you realized that you had no idea what you'd just agreed to do.

  
_\--meet him--meet him--_

  
Who were you meeting?

  
“What's all this excitement about?” The amused expression on Minseok's face as he took in his mother's jovial attitude and outright celebration was beautiful and you forced your eyes down to examine the water glass that bubbled in front of your empty dinner plate.

  
“She said she'd meet him for a blind date. You know, Mara’s nephew--” your eyes shot open wide as you watched the woman across the table from you explain what you had so foolishly agreed to.

  
“--He's a successful lawyer with his own firm and he's really just as busy as she is, but he's looking to settle down with the right woman--” you felt warmth beside you as Minseok sat down into the empty seat and rested his warm thigh against your knee.

  
“--you remember I told you about him.” Minseok was silent beside you and after a pause that told you, he did not remember anything about the conversation he supposedly had with his mother he inhaled a quick breath and lied through his teeth.

  
“Oh yeah, right. Mara’s nephew right? The big shot lawyer--” Minseok quickly grabbed the lime from the edge of his glass of water and squeezed before dropping it inside with a plop. He shifted in his seat and he pulled his thigh away from your knee as he sat up straighter in his seat and took a deep drink of water.

  
“He's super hot, and he's loaded. You're lucky.” You heard Minhee whisper into your ear in the other side of you and you smiled a small nervous smile, laughing away the awkwardness building in the pit of your stomach of what you'd just agreed to.

  
Mrs. Kim loved blind dates and after trying unsuccessfully to set you up with many of her friends and relatives eligible bachelor sons, she'd finally tricked you into accepting a date due to your own negligence. She was beaming and your stomach was churning. There was no way you could get out of this now. There had been too many witnesses when you agreed.

  
The doorbell rang and the sound echoed around the home, causing heads to look up in surprise.

  
The only one at the table who didn't look confused at the sudden guest was Mrs. Kim who looked suspiciously calm and quite pleased with herself.

  
“Oh good, she's here--” she was pushing back from the table, an exciting aura waving around about her and she was leaving the dining room now as she headed quickly for the front door of the home.

  
“Minseok-ah, your date is here--” she said as she made her way past him and the bubbly water he was chugging must have hit the wrong pipe because he coughed, choked, and quickly put the glass down as he tried to clear his airway as noiselessly as possible.

  
“M-My what-- Mom--” he was pushing back from the table and standing as he chased after his mom who was quickly making her way toward the door.

  
“Oh you remember, I told you about her last night.”

  
“You mentioned a girl but you never said anything about a date--”

  
“Didn't I? Oh well, she's here. Be nice.”

  
Minseok’s date was called Sohee and she was young, gorgeous, wealthy, and intelligent. Everything one would expect from Mrs. Kim’s matchmaking stills and after a bit of rearranging, you found yourself seated on one side of the table beside Minseok who sat beside Sohee, and Minhee grumbled from the other side of the table where she sat between both of her parents. The move put a frown on her face since she couldn't whisper all of the funny observations she had about the new girl into your ear during dinner.

  
You noticed as he sat, Minseok scooted his seat closer to you and just a bit further from Sohee and you tried not to read into it. He just felt more comfortable with you than with the stranger beside him.

  
Dinner was awkward. Mrs. Kim asked Sohee questions and she answered them as best as she could but anyone could see that that she was nervous. Minseok didn't exactly help much as he clammed up at the sudden new addition and answered every question in short phrases, many of which were a single word answers. By the end of the dinner even you were frustrated by his lack of participation.

  
“So Minseok, what's next on the schedule for EXO?”

  
Minseok's thigh that had been rested against your leg was shaking up and down as he fidgeted in his seat, clearly uncomfortable now for most of the dinner and ready to go, you looked down at his half-eaten steak and wished he would stop shaking his leg like that. From the looks around the table, you were the only one who could feel it and it was beginning to make you seasick.

  
When you lowered your hand beneath the table to rest on his thigh he flinched at your touch and immediately stopped the shaking.

  
“Umm..I don't remember. I just go where they tell me” He picked up his wine glass and took a sip before he sat it down and his leg bobbed once more under your hand.

  
You squeezed down and he stilled his leg again as he bit down on his lip. You felt a shaking again and from the distance, you could tell that he was shaking the other leg now.

  
So you moved your hand up higher, just a bit up his thigh and you felt the stillness in his body as you moved. You kept your eyes trained forward staring at Minhee who was glaring at the girl who had interrupted her sweet family dinner and caused all this awkwardness.

  
“Oppa--” you suddenly spoke up with your hand up higher on his thigh and you caught the side glance he shot at you, refusing to turn and look at you directly now.

  
“I read something about a sub-unit? A rumor that you were going to be in it.” You looked at him more directly, enjoying the look on his face now. There was a widening of his eyes and he turned to face you now.

  
“Oh! How exciting!” Mrs. Kim perked up at this news, all smiles and hope on her face.

  
The truth was, you hadn't read it. He had told you that a sub-unit was being formed in which he would be a member and they had been making preparations for their debut. He told you this three weeks ago, the night before his last drunken phone call with you. The night he said those words that you dwelled on for so long that they lost all meaning and you'd convinced yourself that he'd simply said them by accident because he was drunk.

  
“I’m not really supposed to talk about rumors like that.” There was a glare in his eyes as they narrowed at you and you felt him scolding you with those eyes that you would dare bring up something he told you in confidence.

  
“Oh come on, we're family aren’t we?” Mrs. Kim said with a smile, hoping for the details about the sub-unit.

  
“We aren't all family,” Minhee spoke up from the other side of the table and you felt the shift as the attention of the room landed on Sohee who sat silently on the other side of Minseok, awkward now at being called out. You moved your hand off of his thigh and ignored the shaking that started immediately when your hand was lifted.

  
You suddenly felt a wave of guilt. The poor girl had no reason to be scolded for being here. She was no doubt being forced into this by some parent of hers who couldn’t pass up the idea of having a wealthy successful idol as their son in law. From what you'd heard of her she actually seemed to be quite a decent person.

  
So you did the only thing you could think to do. You shifted the focus of the room away from Sohee and brought it on yourself.

  
“So, Mrs. Kim...tell me more about this hot-shot lawyer I’m going to be dating--”

  
Heads turned at your sudden outburst and you heard what sounded like a relieved sigh from the other side of Minseok and the shaking leg next to you went completely still.

  
The reminder brought Mrs. Kim to life and she dropped her knife and fork as she slapped her hands together in anticipation.

  
“OH! He’s really very very handsome dear, but how many times have to told you to call me Mom--” her nagging was comfortable and it made you smile and Minseok shook his head next to you and picked up his fork to roughly stab at a piece of steak and popped it into his mouth.

  
“--humanitarian works for the firm, awards, and achievements. Really really handsome too, did I say that? And very successful. Anyway, his name is Kim too! But we are from a different line of Kim's, not to worry. Kim Kwangsoek -- what a strong name--”

  
You felt a warm hand on our bare thigh that pulled your attention away from Mrs. Kim’s rambling praises of your date and to your surprise you didn't even flinch.

  
Why you didn’t immediately swat his hand away you didn't know, but his hand was moving over your skin slowly as you nodded and smiled across the table at the rivers of praises that flowed out about this man you didn't yet know.

  
The more she talked, the higher Minseok's hand went until his fingertips grazed against the lace of your panties between your legs.

  
You instinctively closed your legs, clenching your thighs together and you felt his hand get trapped between your strong thighs for a moment before he gripped your inner thigh roughly and pulled against your muscles.

  
You were having trouble following the flow of the conversation but your mind registered that Mrs. Kim was still talking mostly by herself about the man who, if you were being completely honest with yourself, sounded perfect for you. Much more than the man who sat beside you at this table slipping his fingers below the lace of your panties to tease against your core.

  
Your breathing felt too fast for discretion as your desire for him to go deeper grew and when your legs parted for him, his hand disappeared suddenly. You heard him clear his throat next to you and he was downing his wine with a concealed grin behind the glass. You'd given in to him. He was satisfied for now.

  
“Yes dear?” Mrs. Kim was looking at you and your face heated up when you realized you must have made a sound. You quickly recovered as best you could and smiled wide as your brain scrambled for words.

  
“H-He actually sounds...amazing. I’m looking forward to meeting him, Mom.”

  
“I think I’m done.” Minseok announced immediately after you spoke and he was pushing away from the table. You watched as he turned to Sohee, giving his back to you and he slowly extended his hand out to her.

  
The same hand that he had just been teasing you with, he now held out to her without a hint of trembling or uncertainty and she looked up at him from her seat in question, a small smile now on her face.

  
“Would you care to join me in the library for a drink Sohee?”

  
You heard a noisy scoff from Minhee on the other side of the table and you tried to keep the burning off your cheeks as they both exited the dining room together, hands clasped as pulled her away into the room on the far end of the home where they weren't likely to be disturbed as they got to know each other better.

  
Dinner was done and so were you by this point. You stood on shaking legs and made up an excuse as to why you had to go home. Work always fit the bill and when you stepped back into your apartment you tried to ignore the weird tension that was building in your chest.

  
Would Minseok and Sohee still be together? Sharing drinks and stories and pleasant conversation?

  
Would there be a kiss on the cheek? A sweet parting pat on the back or lingering hands brushed against her skin?

  
Would he take her home? Would he go inside with her and get to know her even better?

  
As the evening wore on and the dramas on TV failed to entertain you much you felt yourself drifting on the sofa to the sound of some home shopping program.

  
A soft sound broke you out of the daze of near sleep and you noticed your cat sat up at the sudden sound.

  
A knock at your door. No, two soft knocks.

  
The time on the clock read 2 am.

  
It was 2 am and your feet were moving, carrying you to your front door to answer it.

  
\--because Minseok was home and you were weak to him.

  
And he knew it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
  



	2. Two

 

 

Your hand was on your deadbolt and you took a deep breath to steady yourself before you turned the lock.

Minseok was home. It was 2 am and he was knocking on your door. You didn't even need to look through the peephole to know it was him. Of course, it was him.  
  
When you pulled your front door open you were caught.

Those eyes that belonged to the man who stood in your doorway found yours in an instant and he locked in, staring without blinking with his lips parted.

How long did you stand there without moving, caught in those eyes?

Minseok closed his parted lips and slowly arched a single eyebrow in your direction as a small smirk appeared on his lips and you took a breath and opened the door for him to enter.

“Were you asleep?” His voice was soft and familiar and he was stepping into your home as you stepped back to let him in. You never offered any resistance when it came to Minseok. He was your single greatest weakness.

_...love you…_

The final words he’d spoken to you on the phone three weeks ago. The words that must have spooked him so much he avoided you after that with flimsy excuses about being too busy to return a single one of your phone calls. It was weak. You knew him well enough. He could have called you. He always had in the past.

_I missed you._

The words he’d said to you in the bathroom of his parents' house when he kissed you today.

How much of it was true? How much of it mirrored exactly what you'd wanted to tell him again and again if only had the fucking guts to do it?

Maybe he wasn't your only weakness. Maybe your true weakness was your own fear of being honest about your feelings for him. The fear of being rejected by him. The fear of this ending because one of you broke the rules.

“I think I dozed off a little.”

He had a bag in his hands and you heard the familiar clink of glass bottles rattling against each other as he moved through your hallway toward the kitchen. From the shade of green, you knew he brought soju to drink. The strong bitter alcohol was his favorite when he had a night off and needed to destress.

He moved through your home comfortably and you leaned against your kitchen counter watching as he opened the fridge to place one of the bottles inside before moving to your cupboards where you kept your glasses.

He had glasses out and he was pouring for two. Without looking up into your face he lifted one of the glasses and drained the clear liquid in a single shot before he set it down and poured again for himself. His other hand was on the other glass and you watched his hand as it moved, sloshing the liquid up the sides and nearly over the edge before he set the glass in front of you. Had he drank before coming here? Why were his hands so unsteady?

He was draining his second glass quickly before you even had a chance to lift your own to your lips.

Minseok was going hard tonight.

Something was wrong. He was bothered and you knew him well enough to know he would be through the first bottle before he started talking to you about it.

You sipped on your drink, not wanting to get hammered with your busy day tomorrow, yet recognizing his need right now….and so you waited.

You watched him and you waited for him to be ready for you to be what he needed.

“Why did you do that?”

His abrupt question broke you out of the comfortable silence you had settled into and you looked up from your half finished glass of soju into his tense face. He wasn't looking at you though. He was looking down at the empty glass bottle he held in his hands.

Your mind searched your recent memory.

What had you done? What could he be referring to right now? The blind date? Was he upset that you'd accepted the blind date with the lawyer? Why wouldn’t he meet your eyes? Something inside you jumped--was this really why he was here tonight? Because you'd agreed to go on a date with someone? This couldn't be jealousy could it? You didn't dare get your hopes up. Minseok wasn't the type to lay claim to you like that.

He turned back to the fridge to retrieve the second bottle and you watched him freeze at the fridge for a moment before he spun quickly and his eyes looked at you now, waiting for your response.

After a moment you spoke.

“What about Sohee?”

You answered his question with another question and he stood up straighter--his face changing and hardening very suddenly.

You saw his eyebrows flatten and his jaw clench down hard before you heard what you were sure was a bitter scoff and he rolled his eyes.

“What about her?” He spoke up louder now and he was moving away from the fridge as he closed the space between you both.

You shook your head. Not seeing his point, not getting what he was so tense and upset about. Minseok was going to have to give you more information if you were going to have this conversation because frankly, you were feeling a bit lost at this point.

“Y-You’re-- Aren’t you going to go out with her again?”

He was watching your face now and you saw a curious expression take over his face the longer he watched you. Something almost cautious was brewing in that expression and you suddenly felt unsure. He tilted his head as he watched you, working something out in his head.

“Does it matter who I date?”

The question was flippant and easy. You felt a burning in your chest and you shook your head, trying to rid your mind of the weird discord you heard between your ears that floated along after his blatant dismissal that came so easily from his lips.

He was in front of his empty glass again, resuming the methodological drinking that he had obviously intended to finish and you tried to push down the churning sickening jealousy you suddenly felt in your gut the more you thought about him dating Sohee.

Perfect, perfect Sohee with her family connections and her old money and her good looks and education and you lifted your glass to your lips to drain its contents.

He had no allegiance to you. He owed you nothing. As far as he was concerned it should be of no interest to you who he dated. You felt like an idiot for even asking. You felt like a loser. How dare you even consider the idea that he might be jealous. You tried your best to control the emotions on your face.

“You still didn't answer me. Why did you do that?”

You were done with the cryptics now, lifting your glass up for him to refill with a shrug of resignation. Clearly this wasn't about your blind date. Minseok didn't care who you dated, any more than you were entitled to give a damn about who he dated. The bitter taste on the back of your tongue had little to do with the alcohol you had just consumed.

“What did I do Minseok?”

You felt defeated and when he filled your glass you didn't hesitate to down the contents.

_Does it matter who I date?_

“The things I tell you...are just for you. Because you're my best friend and I trust you. I thought you knew not to repeat things I tell you about the group.”

The sub-unit. Your slip during dinner when you asked about the “rumor” you had heard. He was upset that you’d mentioned it at dinner. Was that all this was? His mom must have drilled him for information all night. Information he was not at liberty to discuss. The words he used to describe his relationship with you stood out more than your guilt at betraying his trust. Was this really the only thing bothering him tonight? It felt like not enough. He was drinking too fast and his shoulders were too tense for just one little rumor you let slip during a family dinner.

“I’m your best friend?” Your bitter laugh burst from your lungs and you shook your head in disbelief.

“You didn't even take my calls for three weeks.”

“I told you I was busy.”

“Bullshit. Everyone is busy. You were avoiding me.” You tried your best not to point your finger in his face as you responded to him, but your words were pointed enough. He lifted his glass again.

He swallowed down the alcohol he held in his mouth and winced at the taste as it went down hard. A quick swipe with the back of his hand across his lips and he was speaking again, eyes wide and knowing, thinking he had finally solved this little riddle he had been trying to figure out.

“Is that why? Were you mad at me for being busy?”

He was standing too close to you now and you could smell him again. The fancy scent of his cologne mixed with the strong smell of alcohol hit your nose and you tried not to sigh as you breathed him in.

“Are you still mad at me? Do you want me to leave?”

You felt his fingertips against your forearm inching their way down the smooth skin of your inner arm. You felt it. He was breaking you down again. You blinked it away, trying not to give in to him so easily. The alcohol in your bloodstream worked against you though, and you could only close your eyes.

You felt the warmth of his breath against your face and he was too close. You knew what you would find if you opened your eyes. Yet the pull was so strong. You were powerless.

When you opened your eyes you saw him watching you. Big eyes with hooded lids and dark pupils cascading over your features and he was waiting for you. Waiting for you to come to him. To give in like you always did. To admit that you wanted him and beg him to stay the night with you. Minseok liked this part best. If you were being honest with yourself, and what was the point in denying it now, you liked it too. The moment when you gave in always tasted the sweetest.

Your head shake was minuscule, but he saw it a mile away and he fought his smile that ebbed and teased against his lips. No, you didn't want him to leave. At this point you were too addicted to him.

“So do you want me to stay?”

He was watching you, waiting for you to admit it.

“You can stay if you want to.”

You felt the step he took into you and the warmth of his firm arms as they snaked around your waist. He was pulling you into him as he moved and you felt overwhelmed again. Your eyes drifted closed and you savored the feel of him as he wrapped himself around you.

With your eyes closed, you could feel it. The bruise that laid just under your chestplate that his warmth irritated. Your injured ego that pulsed along with your heartbeat and his cheek rested against your own as he puffed his breath into your neck now.

“God I missed you” he moaned out against your hair and the bruise ached and throbbed. Sounding out a warning that your stubbornness dared you to ignore.

His hands were moving and the grip he had on your waist slid up your back to your nape and you fisted your own hands tightly at your side. Still resisting, still foolish and still stubborn.

Your frozen state wasn't lost on him and you felt the hardness of his forehead as he leaned it against yours. Hot breath puffed against your face, the smell of alcohol overpowering whatever delicious smell he once had.

“Come on, are you still mad at me? You can’t be mad at me now. Be mad at me later. Didn't you miss me too?” There was a whine in his voice and his hands rubbed up and down against your back and when he pulled his face away you saw the tiny pout on his lips.

His lips…

You saw the smile on them when you slowly nodded your head, admitting the truth to him.

“I-I missed you too.” Your admission was small and embarrassing and you looked down at the small space between where you both stood at your kitchen counter.

You did miss him while was away. You always did. You were doomed to miss this man for the rest of your life every time he left you over and over again. Until the day when he left you for real and you never got to feel this again.

“Do you know why I…” he was speaking again and you looked up into his face when his words stopped. He’d cut himself off mid sentence and was watching your face and you caught the serious expression you found there.

You watched him, more confused than ever at this peculiar side to him and you saw the small smile that popped up on his lips as he looked down and shook his head. Shook away whatever it was he was about to say, a look of sadness flashed across his face just then.

“Nevermind.” It was a deep sadness you had never expected to find on Minseok's face and you hated it. You hated that look more than the indifference you felt from him, more than the embarrassment at the realization that you would always be the one to feel more for him than he felt for you.

When you leaned forward and caught his lips with your own you heard a small hiccup of a sound in the back of his throat. He was surprised by your movement and he was frozen for a split second before he moved.

His hands were back against your waist, and one moved up to cup your head as he sighed into your mouth. You tasted him again, his wet tongue poking through your lips to brush against your own and you were consumed.

You'd missed him too much, he tasted too much like the Minseok that you knew and loved and he stepped into you with his kiss that quickly changed from surprised to needy. From tentative to demanding his teeth bit down and when he sucked down harder against your bottom lip and pulled you whimpered into his mouth.

He pulled away with a pop and a fresh gasp of air and you felt his words tumble out low against your ear as you felt the length of his body press up against yours.

There was a wall at your back, how far had he pushed you. You hadn't even realized you had moved but you were trapped and his hands were pulling your legs up around his waist as he spoke lowly into your ear.

“I missed fucking you too much. I can't wait to feel you cumming around my dick again.”

You felt the hardness between his legs as he pressed into you, rubbing and grinding against the growing wetness between your legs. You felt a pulsing between your legs as your core throbbed in anticipation. You knew your panties were soaked by now. Could he feel the heat between his own legs? With each grind of his dick into you, your arousal grew until your mind felt dizzy from the teasing.

“Minseok-- bedroom--” you panted out over his head as his teeth bit a path down your neck. His fingers pulled at the buttons of your blouse, exposing new territories of skin for his mouth to taste and there was a chuckle from his mouth.

That laugh--something in his laugh made you open your eyes. It was breathy and amused and you recognized a tone in that laugh that you had heard before.

“Are you that eager for me to fuck you?”

Your mind was spinning from the alcohol you drank with him and you wondered how drunk he had to be right now.

He wasn't moving toward the bedroom and you gasped out when you felt his teeth bite down too hard against the flesh of your breast. You looked down at the sound of something clattering to the floor. Tiny pearls of plastic were bouncing around and you recognized them as the buttons of your top. It was expensive and designer and hed just ripped it open without a bit of care. Your breathing was too ragged and his hands were pushing your skirt down. The short skirt you wore for him at dinner.

The garment fell, discarded and forgotten and you stood in front of his dark eyes in your matching bra and panties set. Lacy and black, expensive too. You'd worked hard for what you had and you looked down in horror at the telltale sound of ripping fabric.

“Minseok--” your surprise was evident in your tone and your words were cut off by his thumb pressed up against your lips as he ripped the other side of your panties and pushed them down roughly onto the floor.

“You shush now, you did something wrong today didn’t you?”

You felt a jolt travel up your spine when you saw a flash of silver. There was a soft click and a cold metal pressed against your skin between your breasts before you felt the fabric of your bra give and the elastic popped and sank down your arms. He bit down on his own lip and his dark eyes were on yours for a moment as he closed the pocket knife and returned it to the back pocket of his jeans. Did he just cut your bra open?

You felt stunned. You were cold and naked and exposed in front of him and there was a dark look in his eyes, coupled with that same amused smile you had seen when he was laughing.

Warm hands roamed over your skin, and his fingertips reached for your erect nipples, pinching hard briefly before letting go. His lips were back on your neck and you wondered if you would be dripping with the desire you felt--the need you felt building in your abdomen.

His hand was on the back of your neck and he squeezed tightly before he spoke his next words into your ear. Your breathing was too loud, too hard and too fast and you tried and failed to control it with his voice in your ear like this.

“After your little slip up at dinner--” You closed your eyes at his low dangerous tone you felt slide down your spine and drip hot against your thighs.

“--dont you think you deserve to be punished sweetheart?”

You felt his hands running down the small of your back, cupping your ass as he moved and squeezed with both hands along your flesh, his fingertips dipping between your slightly parted legs.

Minseok had always been a dominant lover in the bedroom, taking what he wanted with ease, but he had never been this controlling before. Although he did like to remind you of the importance of sticking to the plan as far as this relationship was concerned. You'd just assumed it was due to the danger of being found out, but this new side to him was different.

What struck you was how affected you felt. Your skin felt hot and your breathing felt too fast as your heart pounded rapidly in your chest, threatening to burst through at any second the further his hands traveled over your naked body. The mess between your legs was dripping and running down your thighs the longer you stood here waiting for him to make a move.

“Now, what are we going to do with you? Tell me--” his hand gripped down much too hard around your ass and you rose up higher on your tiptoes to escape the tight grip he held, his fingers digging in leaving what you were sure would be bruises where he held on tight.

“--are you even sorry?” The words were spoken against your parted, panting lips and you felt his tongue dart out and lick along your bottom lip before he pulled it in between his lips and bit down with his teeth.

When he released your lip with a popping sound you couldn't suppress the moan that left the back of your throat. This was too much. He was too much. You were completely naked and under his control and he stood, clothed and looking at you with a mixture of arousal and amusement in those black eyes.

“I’m sorry Minnie, I made a mistake.” You whined out as sweetly as you could manage with his hands on you now. The pet name rolled easily off your tongue and you caught the rapid blinking as he registered it. The hand that had been on your ass had slipped around your thigh and you parted your legs when his fingers slipped between your thighs.

“F-Fuck--fuck you're soaking wet--” you saw the moment when his resolve wavered as his fingertips slipped into your wetness. His eyes fluttered closed and his face changed, brows furrowing with his mouth open he exhaled against your face and touched the tip of his tongue to his teeth.

One finger--two fingers and he was brushing against your swollen clit on his way to your entrance where his digits slipped inside, rolling against your walls, pulling forward against your entrance, stretching their way inside. How many fingers did he have inside of you?

“Y-You must like this as much as I do.” Your only response was a whimpered nod as his fingers massaged their way deeper inside you, curling forward and scissoring apart. How much could you take? You felt your legs beginning to grow week the more he roughly fucked you with his hand.

The familiar release was building. You felt the knot in the pit of your stomach winding tighter and tighter and your legs trembled as you held onto him tightly around his shoulders. He felt it, he had to, the tightening of your walls around his hand it was so close and you clenched down hard and -- and--

\--you gasped at the loss -- your walls clenched hard around nothing, the movement was gone, the stimulation was gone along with his hand and your eyes flew open to find him a step back with a positively wicked grin spread across that pretty face and your breathing was too fast as you felt it slipping away from you quickly.

How dare he?

His hand hung limply at his side, still wet from your juices and he was breathing too hard as he watched you come to the realization of what he had just done.

He laughed a small laugh, his eyes dancing with light and amusement.

“You didn't think I'd let you cum did you?”

“You haven't even begged my forgiveness yet _darling_.”

“Minseok-- I’m” your voice that sounded out sounded much more menacing than you had intended and his eyes widened as he lifted his brows in mock surprise. His smile faded and you instantly closed your mouth. Suddenly feeling rebuked under his menacing eyes.

“You what?” He closed the distance between you both and you felt his hands along your jaw, his thumb brushing along your skin until he reached your lower lip. When he pushed his thumb in between your lips you reached for him with your tongue and you tasted yourself there on his hand. He moved his fingers, slipping his index inside of your mouth and you sucked as he watched your mouth work with dark eyes and a sexy lip bite.

“Fuck,” he whispered, “turn around for me darling, I think my patience has worn out.”

You hesitated a bit, suddenly transfixed by his fingers still in your mouth and he quickly pulled them out, ignoring the wetness that spread down your chin and he was turning you around to face the wall. You had nowhere to hold and your hands splayed flat against the drywall. You heard the unmistakable sound of his belt buckle and his hands pulled you roughly around the waist, lower on your hips, quick enough to make you gasp and bend at the waist.

“Bend down,” his hand at your back, pushed roughly down and you did as you were told, spreading your legs and arching your back, from the feeling of his hands roaming over your ass you knew he was eyeing you as much as he wanted.

“So fucking beautiful.” He whispered out lowly as he explored. You felt his fingers again, between your legs, rubbing your dripping wetness around and when the head of his cock bumped between your folds you moved your hips in his direction, desperate at this point for the friction. Desperate for him to fuck you hard against this wall in your kitchen.

His hands dug into your flesh as he lined himself up and he pushed inside of you in a single motion.

He was moving again, too roughly and too fast and you lost your balance as you tried to hold on to the wall, slipping downward the harder he pounded into you and you felt strong arms grip your waist from behind as he pulled you up, holding around you tightly as he fucked into you. One hand gripped tightly around your breasts as he squeezed down hard and grunted from the efforts.

You felt the dizzying effects of his thrusts sending you into a tizzy of trying to stay upright while chasing your release. You felt it building again and Minseok's hands were moving again.

“Do you think you deserve to cum?” You felt a new sensation that you hadn't experienced with him before and a sharp pain that immediately transformed into a deep lingering pleasure hit you hard. He was pulling out of you again and pushing in quickly when you felt it again, his thumb running between your ass cheeks, over your tight hole before he suddenly pushed the top of his digit inside quickly. You felt the stretch and it stung. His thumb was gone as quickly as it has entered you and a strong sensation of pleasure lingered as he fucked you fast.

You felt whatever bit of control you had leaving your body and your legs were trembling as you felt yourself succumbing to it. The wave was coursing over you and your found to hard to remain upright. Between his dick and his thumb pushing into you together you never stood a chance and you clenched around him all over, tensing and trembling, you cried out and fell apart, squeezing your eyes, and you were cumming. There was a strong hand around your throat as you came and you gasped for air, finding nothing.

Your mouth opened and searched for oxygen and you felt too dizzy. When your legs gave from under you, you dropped to the floor and his hands left your throat. You turned and he was moving and you saw his wet hard dick in his hands as he faced you now where you sat on your knees in front of him.

“Open up,” he growled and you reached for him quickly as he pushed his dick inside your parted lips. You tasted the undeniable taste of your own orgasm on him and you relaxed your jaw as he pushed inside, swirling your tongue around his head and sucking hard as he tensed. His legs popped with rock hard muscles and he fisted your hair tightly. You felt the spasms of his cum flowing under the skin of his dick against your tongue and your mouth was flooded with the salty bitter taste of his cum. You swallowed fast again and again, pulling it out of him, milking every drop you could get from him until he went still and his hands dropped their tight grip on your hair.

There was a solid minute so still and silent where the only sound in your home was heavy breathing and the only movement was your chest and his rising and falling before Minseok finally moved.

He was wrapping strong arms securely around you, under your armpits and you were lifted into him. He pulled up into his embrace with a delicate touch, his hug strong and firm yet undemanding compared to his dominant actions mere minutes earlier.

“Are you okay? I didn't hurt you right?”

Your head was swimming but you were fine, merely stunned by the intensity of the sex you'd just enjoyed with him. You shook your head into his shoulder and he held you tightly for a moment before he spoke again softly into your ear.

“Fuck -- You make me so crazy sometimes -- what am I going to do with you?”

You were moving now as he steered you toward your sofa and you stepped down on a pearly button from the blouse he had destroyed. It scraped under your bare foot and you bent down to pick it up and examine it with a sad frown.

“Minnie that blouse was $400!”

You saw his face drop a bit and he looked down with a sheepish grimace at the scattered buttons on the tile floor.

“Uhh…” was all he could offer.

You sat down on the sofa with a huff and he chewed on his lip and carefully sat down next to you, reaching for the blanket you kept for movie nights, to cover the both of you with. You felt his arms wrapping around you and he nestled his face into the crook of your neck and you caught sight of the bra in a heap on the other side of the room.

“-and a pocket knife? Seriously?”

He couldn't hold back his giggle now and you shook your head in disbelief.

“I was a Boy Scout--”  
“You know...always be prepared?”

The exasperated sigh was all he got from you and his lips quickly frowned into a little pout. Your serious expression snuffed out his giggles in an instant.

“I'll pay for the clothes,” he said quietly as his arms pulled around you tightly.

“I really did miss you.” His voice was softer in your ear and you ticked your head in his direction, surprised by his sudden softness. Usually, after sex he rushed to clean up and make up some excuse to be out the door. Ten minutes tops was his usual time limit.

“Why then?” Your whisper matched the softness of his voice and your heart suddenly leapt up into your throat. You weren't usually one for confronting him. You rarely demanded answers for much of anything he did and you waited for him to change the subject or find some other reason why he couldn't explain himself.

You heard a sigh from him and he tightened his grip around you. You felt his lips leaving small kisses along your skin briefly before he inhaled another breath, seemingly to inhale your smell deep into his lungs.

“I--”

You held your breath and you waited, giving him any amount of time he needed to answer your small question.

“I was avoiding you--”

“--b-because I had to. Maybe I missed you a lot and I was so busy I didn't need that clogging my mind up.”

It was a close to an honest answer as you were going to get from him. You weren't quite satisfied with the _why_ of it all, but the man was so closed off it was probably the best you could expect.

“You're an idiot Kim Minseok,” you said and he nodded his head in full agreement.

You felt him shift and you knew it was coming.

“I---should go.”

Of course. That's what this relationship, if you could call it one, was about. It was the friendship but most importantly you both got to release the frustrations you couldn't quite work out without the physical touch of each other’s bodies.

“How long are you around this time?”

“A week and a half---can I stop by tomorrow?”

“I have my blind date tomorrow Minnie”

He suddenly froze on the belt buckle he had been pulling through the metal loop and you caught a flash of something behind his eyes. Something off yet powerful and above all, confusing.

“Ahh, the lawyer.” His tone was off as he said it and did he just roll his eyes now? What the hell was this?

“Maybe I'll give Sohee a call then.” Why did his voice sound like that? Like a petulant child having a fit. Was this really how he was going to act right now?

Why did his words sting so hard? That was a stupid question...you knew the reason for the sting.

“I'll call you later, don't fuck him on the first date.” His tone was definitely harsher now and irritatingly snarky and you furrowed your brows in response as you crossed your arms over your chest, lifting your chin now at him.

“Does it matter who I fuck, Kim Minseok?” You couldn't help the attitude. He was picking a fight now over nothing, you could feel the animosity in his tone.

He was frozen now as he looked down at the floor. His eyes not focusing on the mess he had made of your apparel that sat down at his feet. You saw his jaw clench and he toed one of the buttons on the floor before he reached for his coat.

You figured he was running again.

Minseok was never much for petty arguing and he was quick to reach his limits and bolt.

You were half right. He put his coat on and moved toward the door but he was moving too slowly. You saw something in his hands and he was looking down at his wallet.

The bitter taste in the back of your throat was back as he pulled out a handful of bills and quickly tossed them in your direction.

“For the clothes sweetheart...and a little extra for your --- bruises there.” His hands motioned around his own neck, indicating where he must have gripped too hard earlier when he choked you as he fucked you roughly into the wall and you suddenly felt sick as you watched close to two grand flitter out of his hands over the blanket that covered your bare legs, bills raining down around you and over the floor in front of your sofa.

You felt the anger. Stronger than you'd ever felt for his actions.

“Fuck you, Minseok!” Your teeth were bared in disgust and his hand was on the door and as he slammed it shut behind him you heard his response.

“That was the idea, babe.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	3. Three

 

Your day at work blurred by and you found yourself standing in front of the open doors of your closet as you got ready for your blind date with Kim Kwangseok. You stared at your options, picking out a simple black dress that carried with it a price tag that seemed much too high for such a simple-seeming dress, but you liked the way it hugged your body, its fit and cut making you feel elegant and beautiful.

  
The quick shower when you got home today wasn’t nearly as thorough and soul cleansing as the shower you took last night--

  
The shower that you rushed into after stuffing the bills into an envelope and sealing it up. The taste of the glue left a sweet taste on your tongue and you stuffed the envelope into your purse. You'd return it. Or you'd burn it. Or you'd toss it into the river. The longer you stared down at the simple white envelope, thick with layers of cash, the more disgusted you felt.

  
The shower that lasted for an hour and a half and left your skin red and raw as you scrubbed at imaginary filth his cruelty had left behind.

  
Why had you given in to him again?  
And so easily?

  
Your pruned fingers gripped tighter around the bath sponge and you scrubbed harder. The legs that still remembered the heat of his hands. The thighs that could feel his fingertips digging in hard and rough. The breasts that remembered the feel of his mouth - his lips - his tongue - his teeth.

  
The bath sponge was ineffective. It was too soft. You needed something rougher to get at the pain inside. When you reached for the scrub brush you kept for your fingernails, it scraped and clawed painfully against your skin. It left red scratches on the skin of your chest and you ignored the sting of the hot water hitting your raw skin.

  
Maybe you could wash away the stupid love. Wash away the naivety and willful ignorance. This wasn't innocence anymore. You knew exactly what he was doing when you'd given in to him again and again. You'd told yourself, again and again, it was just sex. It was just sex. It was just sex.

  
And maybe it was to him. But you had been lying to yourself and your heart never once believed it.

  
You hadn't once considered his capacity to be cruel. The look in his eyes as he threw that money at you and left before he slammed your front door in ...was it anger? What could he have to be so angry about? If anyone should be angry it was you.

  
To him, it was always just sex. He’d made that evident time and time again.

  
Why had you given in again? Why were you so weak?

  
You reached for your toothbrush. The one you kept in the shower to save on time during your morning routine and you brushed angrily at the back of your tongue, trying to rid your heart of the memory of his kiss.

  
It persisted like every single touch Minseok had ever given you.

  
All the scrubbing did was hit the back of your throat and make you gag into the flowing water of the shower.

  
Minseok's kisses hadn't left a superficial mark on the surface of your tongue--

  
No, everything about that man went deeper.

  
You'd have to cut out your own tongue to erase his taste.

  
You'd have to cut out your own heart to break the spell he had cast on you.

  
You heard a buzz from somewhere behind you and you spun on your heels to see your illuminated cell phone with one message flashing quickly across the screen.

  
Your stomach dropped when you recognized the name of the sender.

  
_Kim Minseok_

  
No more.

  
You were done. It would stop now.

  
You quickly held your finger over the message, refusing to look at its contents and you deleted it, watching as the graphic carried the message away leaving a blank screen its wake.

  
You'd done it. It was the first step, but you'd taken it.  
You were done now.

  
Some minutes later, as you carefully applied liquid eyeliner to your upper eyelid you heard another buzz. This one followed by a second buzzing sound and you finished your eye, moving on to the other as you took your time to get the look even and pretty.

  
By the time you retrieved your cell phone you saw three messages from different senders. One more from Minseok which you quickly skipped over in favor of the two from an unknown number.

  
_Hi, This is Kim Kwangseok. :) I hope you are doing well and that this message isn't too forward. I got your number from Mrs. Kim._

  
_I am very much looking forward to our date tonight :)_

  
The messages had been sitting on your phone for about 30 minutes as you got ready--peppered with innocuous-looking smiley faces, from the man you had been set up on this blind date with. Something about the messages made you smile a small genuine smile and you typed a friendly although relatively safe reply as soon as you read them.

  
The preview for Minseok's text message sat heavy on your screen and you could see the beginning lines of it. The tip of a dagger just as it was unsheathed and ready to stab through your heart. Asking you remove your chest plate for the first stab.

  
_”Why are you ignoring me? Are you still mad about...”_

  
You ran your finger along the edge of your phone as you stared at his cut off words. You half wondered if there would be an apology after the cut off words. Deeper into the message where all you had to do was take the bait to see his pleading _I’m so sorry..I didn’t mean it._

  
Not likely. Minseok wasn't the type to apologize for his wrongdoings to you. Whether he thought he was crystal clear and innocent when it came to you, or his ego was too big for meager _Sorrys_ you hadn't yet figured out.

  
The second you clicked on the message he would see that you had read it.

  
Did he know you could see the message now? Could he see you looking at your phone with your determination wavering?

  
Did he know how much he had hurt you?

  
The idea of Kim Minseok somehow witnessing your tears last night horrified you. You'd never once been so open with the man. You'd never even cried in front of him. You were too strong for that.

  
But you'd been feeling weaker and weaker lately though. Maybe it was just hormones.

  
That had to be it. You were probably due to start your period soon. This weakness had nothing to do with Minseok or Schrödinger's apology that sat inside the unread text message from him.

  
You harnessed your will and stuffed your cell phone deep down inside your purse, grabbed your coat and umbrella and walked out your front door.

  
\---------------------------

  
The rain fell hard, lightning flashing in the distance and an echoing boom sounded in the heavens soon after. Not really close enough to make you run for it, but close enough to make you pull your coat around your chest and pull your umbrella down tighter around your head.

  
You dodged the puddles on the sidewalk that led up to the door of the swanky restaurant Mrs. Kim had texted you the address to last night. From the looks of the enormous crystal chandelier that hung in the ceiling of the foyer and the crispy dressed greeter that bowed at the waist upon your entrance, you figured Mrs. Kim had gone above and beyond to make arrangements for this blind date.

  
A corner coffee shop would have been much more suited to your tastes but you smiled a tight professional smile as your coat and umbrella were quickly snatched up out of your hands and you were led down a dimly lit corridor lined with closed curtains, surely hiding private dining rooms that matched the elegance of the decor.

  
“Two members of your party have arrived already Miss.” The woman stopped in front of a curtain with one hand pulling open the partition, the other rested on her forearm, eyes down at the floor and her head angled down in a polite bow.

  
“Two? I’m just meeting one person today. A Mr. Kim Kwangseok--”

  
“Yes Miss, he is inside.” She responded in a pleasant tone that did nothing to help your confusion and the movement of the curtain caught the attention of the two people sitting in the room.

  
One of whom was standing to greet the newcomer. A handsome dark haired tall man in a fine suit and the other who sat with his back to you, expertly styled dyed blonde hair atop his head and a small stature that you would have recognized in a blackout.

  
“M-Minseok?” Your mouth betrayed you and you spoke his name, noticing the sluggish way he angled his shoulders, dropped his chin and sighed a deep sigh before he stood and turned around to face you as he dipped his head in your direction.  
  
He wore a tight smile that didn't even come near his eyes and you heard your name spoken in a voice with a low timbre that brought you out of the trance the sight of Minseok had put you in.

  
“Mrs. Kim told me you were beautiful, but she seems to have undersold you.”

  
“Ahh, Mr. Kim, its so nice to meet you.” You found your manners and you found his and, warm and strong and you tried your hardest to pull your attention away from the silent audience in the room that was making your heart do somersaults inside your chest right now.

  
“Please, call me Kwangseok...or Oppa, if you're comfortable with that. You know Minseok already I trust?”

  
Your eyes traveled and you caught the steely brown orbs that watched your face much too closely. You caught a movement in his chest. A rapid exhale of a breathe. Was that a scoff?

  
“Okay, Kwangseok. I thought this was a blind date.” Your voice questioned the obvious and Kwangseok glanced at Minseok as he motioned for you to take your seat across from him at the table. Minseok sat down next to Kwangseok silently and reached for the water that sat in front of him. You caught the slight tremble as the ice rattled against the glass.

  
“Funny story that--Apparently Mrs. Kim thought everyone would be more comfortable if this was a double date.”

  
“She must have had a two for one coupon.” You remarked, trying to ease some of the awkwardness you felt in your chest and Kwangseok chuckled easily, his charming smile lighting up his face, making his eyes sparkle for a second before you caught the small wink he shot in your direction.

  
Kim Kwangseok was in full prince charming mode tonight -- that much was obvious to you. You lifted your own water for a sip, feeling your throat getting suddenly too dry. As you drank you could feel Minseok’s eyes on you, watching you with a quiet intensity that only he was capable of.

  
“I have to admit, I was a bit star struck when I first arrived and saw Kim Minseok sitting here.”

  
“So, how well do you two know each other?” You choked on your water as soon as you heard Kwangseok’s question and you felt a bit of water dribble down your chin as you tried to gain back your composure. You wiped quickly with your fingertips and felt warm familiar fingers pushing a napkin into your hand from the corner of the table that Minseok occupied.

  
His eyes, still boring a hole straight into your brain were amused now and you saw him lift a single eyebrow, making the stupid thing dance on his pretty forehead and your heart raged against your ribs as you coughed quieter now, feeling the liquid leaving your lungs.

  
“We’re best friends actually.” You heard Minseok's voice speak up as he answered Kwangseok’s question.  
“His sister is my best f--” having recovered just enough for words you opened your mouth to speak at exactly the same time as Minseok had.

  
“---friend.” You lamely finished your own answer, recognizing how the two stories did not seem to match and Minseok inhaled a breath as he registered your words.

  
“We...the families are best friends. So she is best friends with my sister Minhee.” He said quietly with a small nod of his head. Effectively changing his answer to match yours without drawing any suspicion. You saw the way he bit down on his lip, chewing roughly at the skin and furrowing his brows slightly as he watched the ice rattle around inside his water glass.

  
Kwangseok looked between the two of you like a spectator watching a tennis match, an amused friendly smile on his handsome face.

  
_Best Friends._

  
There it was again. Why Minseok kept insisting on referring to you as his best friend when you knew damn well best friends didn't ignore phone calls from each other for three weeks, was beyond you. Sure, you both had your moments. Sweet chats on the phone when he was lonely and needed a friend to talk to. Worried discussion about your job and your stresses, and his reassurance that everything would work out because you were the smartest woman he knew. Subtle flirting via text when it had been too long since he'd seen you and you were feeling particularly desperate for his affections. But best friends? Best friends definitely didn't fuck each other senseless at every opportunity.

  
Minhee was your best friend.

  
Minseok was great sex. Minseok was secrets and rules and silenced jealousy and unshed tears. Minseok was lust and passion and roughness that never had the chance to be sweet and caring. Not in person at least. A few sweet words on the phone in the middle of the night weren't enough for you. In person, Minseok was running out the door at the first sign that this might be anything more than just sex.

  
Minseok was in denial. Minseok was scared.

  
And you were mad.

  
You let a quiet scoff escape your lips and the man who had been looking down into his water glass in tense silence looked up and met your eyes.

  
“Best friends Oppa? You and I don't speak very often. I mean, when was the last time we even talked? Was it...three weeks ago?” You tried your best to keep the venom out of your voice and you saw the clench of the muscles on his jaw.

  
“I’m a busy person. I can’t answer every phone call I get.” His response was quick and you bit down on your lip, imagining how satisfying it would feel to kick him under the table. Knowing your luck you'd miss and get Kwangseok.

  
“Oh, I get it. We’re all busy, right Kwangseok?”

  
Your blind date’s eyes came to life as he nodded his head in half agreement, not at all understanding the sudden tension his lack of smile told you he had picked up on by now.

  
“I mean, I’m so busy I hardly have time for lunch, let alone answering my door every time someone comes knocking at 2 am to sell me on some garbage I don't need in my life.”

  
You didn't bother looking at Minseok anymore. He wasn't moving or looking up at you now. He just sat there silent and impotent, unable or unwilling to give you any sort of response that would make a difference.

  
“That’s….a strange time for solicitors,” Kwangseok remarked with furrowed brows and you smiled your brightest smile in his direction.

  
“I meant 2 pm... _Oppa_.” It was a dirty trick, but it had the desired effect on both men. Minseok's big eyes looked up in annoyance and you saw the pink of his cheeks accentuate his pretty cheekbones. The eye roll was dramatic and Kwangseok was so distracted with looking at your coy smile that he didn't even notice it.

  
Men. Maybe you wanted to kick both of them under the table.

  
The curtain parted suddenly and you saw a pretty face, dressed to the nines in her finest designer clothing. She looked elegant and beautiful. Everything about her looked so expensive she seemed to fit the decor of this upscale restaurant perfectly.

  
There was a blur of movement and both men were pushing their chairs swiftly away from the table with a noisy scrape against the solid wood floors that grated against your ears and your nerves alike.

  
“Oh Sohee, you're here.” Minseok’s voice, suddenly an octave higher you saw him reach for her with outstretched hands and he wrapped two arms swiftly around her shoulders. The girl stiffened in obvious surprise at the unexpected hug and when he took a step back and released her you saw red. His hand skirted down her arm to hers and he laced his fingers between hers.

  
Your heart pounded and you were sure your cheeks were too pink at the sudden and obvious display on his part.

  
He gave a playful tug on her arm with a wide smile on his face and she moved where he led her. A quick pause at Kwangseok for introductions and a flippant handwave in your direction as Minseok dismissed the need for any introductions to you since “you know her already” seemed to be sufficient enough in his eyes and the stunned girl was deposited into the open seat directly beside you.

  
Minseok lowered himself, level with her face and you could see the top of his head, tufts of blonde hair peeking up over her straight black extremely moisturized locks with nary a strand out of place and he seemed to be whispering something in her ear. Her cheeks reddened, her land swiftly lifted to cover her mouth and stifle the sounds of nearly orgasmic sounding giggles that echoed through her lips and his hand squeezed around hers before he let her go.

  
Minseok stood and your brain screamed at you. Look away. Don't let him see you watching. Look the fuck away for the love of God just look down or at Kwangseok, somewhere, anywhere…

  
His eyes lifted you were caught and he was looking directly into your face with a new look.

  
His sweet smile that had obviously been an act for Sohee was a mere memory and in its place a smug smirk. Beautiful eyes with sharp angles that cut you better than any of the sharpest blades you'd encountered in your life thus far with a darkness that you could feel sinking down into your own the longer he looked at you.

  
The wink was what finally did it. Like a splash of cold water in your face, you gasped and turned away from the sight. Your eyes flew forward across the table and you met the curious gaze of your date. The man who silently watched you with an unreadable expression and merely smiled at you the second you looked into his face.

  
It was a sweet face. Not at all one filled with the tempting passionate danger like Minseok’s face.

  
The waitress brought the first course. A tiny thing that tasted too good to be so minuscule and you wondered how people lived like this as your stomach growled and you reached for the glass of wine that sat in front of you. It was some vintage that Kwangseok picked out and that had an oaky finish and fruity notes. That's what he told you as he took the bottle from the waitress and poured the glass for you. You weren't sure what oak tasted like, having never tried an oak tree, but you figured he was probably right.

  
What you did know what that Kwangseok was handsome and he was intelligent. And his smile looked better and better the more he flashed it at you. Or maybe it was the fruity notes and oaky finish that made his face look like it might have been carved from marble by a skilled sculptor for a hefty commission. The longer the dinner went on the more you drank and the funnier his jokes got. The more charming his stories were. The deeper the scowl on Minseok's face grew.

  
Because if you were being quite honest with yourself, and at this point why the fuck not, Kim Minseok was in your vision more than your date. And his grumbles on Kwangseok’s direction, eye rolls and side remarks only served to make you laugh and enjoy the man across from the table from you that much more.

  
Course after course after course arrived and you began to wonder how much longer this could possibly go on when the team of waitresses brought out an ominous looking round sphere of what you hoped was chocolate. Simultaneously a steaming stream of liquid was poured over the brown balls in front of you in a swift cross which made the chocolate melt and the ball bloomed opening up to reveal nothing other than a scoop of vanilla ice cream. Now, this...this you could get behind.

  
It was a fancy ice cream sundae and you lifted your spoon only to find a scoop of ice cream on a spoon directly in front of your lips and a sweet smile from Kwangseok across the table from you with an extended hand.

  
Was he serious? The spoon wasn't dropping any time soon so you shrugged and opened your mouth.

  
The ice cream was rich. The vanilla beans speckled throughout gave an intense flavor and tasted better than any store-bought pint you'd ever bought. The chocolate was melted and bittersweet lending just the right contrast in flavors and you ignored as best you could the sight of Sohee giggling her mating call giggle as Minseok flirted and wiped a smudge of ice cream from the tip of her nose, which he himself has put there of course.

  
The sweetness in your mouth suddenly lost its appeal and the ladies room was calling.

  
Outside of the curtain the hallway was quiet with a single employee standing at the ready should any precious guest require her assistance and she pointed you in the direction of the bathroom.

  
A hidden hallway with a discreet man and woman symbol that told you the bathroom here was unisex. And you made your way through a door that led to a fancy room complete with heavy oak doors and soft classical music wafting through speakers in the ceiling.

  
You used the toilet, exited into the smaller space with sinks and an array of fancy smelling soaps and lotions and a decorative basin that your blurry mind was having trouble finding the handle to. A single metal spigot stood up tall over a heavy glass bowl and you tried tapping and pressing, turning and smacking but nothing would get the water to flow.

  
Maybe it had a sensor. You slowly waved a hand below the faucet. Nothing.

  
A warmth spread over your back and you jumped at the sudden sensation and when you looked up into the mirror in front of you your gasp and a shocked scream echoed around the small enclosed space.

  
Your heart was racing and your breath was caught in your chest as you met the sharp angled eyes of the man who stood directly behind you, his entire body pressed up against your back and the sound of running water flowing somewhere in the room.

  
“You have to step on it.” His whisper was quiet and Minseok's leg was extended just beside your thigh in a way that made him nearly straddling you to reach the small pedal on the floor that turned on the faucet.

  
You looked down at his foot in surprise and it looked so obvious now that he had pointed it out.

  
“W-What the hell are you doing here?” Your voice was trembling and you hated it.

  
“What the hell are _you_ doing in there?” He echoed your question without a hint of a tremble and you bit down on your lip to stop the quivering.

  
“I had to pee.”

  
“You know that's not what I mean.”

  
Your bitter laugh blew out noisily. He narrowed his eyes and you pivoted on your heels to face the man who was secretly confronting you like a coward in the bathroom of all places. His eyes widened marginally when you moved and the water cut off.

  
“I've never seen you act this way.”

  
“What way am I acting Minseok?” He was standing too close to you for you to cross your arms over your chest defensively as you yearned to do, and the counter at your back gave you no space to distance yourself from his pretty face, his imposing eyes and his lips.

  
Why did your heart have to beat this way every time you were near him and why did he always smell so fucking good?

  
“Oh, you know...giggling, flirting, fucking calling him _Oppa_ in that voice. What ---” he lifted a hand and you felt his finger running along your cheekbone.

  
Why you couldn't slap it away you'll never know. Perhaps it was the look in his eyes right now. Something within those eyes looked different suddenly.

  
“What are you doing? Are you trying to make me jealous?” There was a tense exhale and he blinked rapidly through narrowed eyes and his gaze was down on your lips where his hand had traveled. His thumb ran along the edge of your bottom lip.

  
“What about you? With Sohee ...A-Are you--”

  
His eyes softened further when you spoke and you saw a tiny smile on his lips.

  
“Are you trying to make me jealous?”

  
It was a risk. You knew that couldn't possibly be his motivation. But the satisfaction that flared in your chest when you threw his own question back at him was savory.

  
“Yes--” he said quickly.

  
You felt as if the wind had been knocked out of you by a single word and he took a step into you. His hand that had been touching your face had traveled along your jaw to your way, his palm flat and warm against your neck.

  
“Is it working?”

  
He couldn't be serious. You felt too stunned to respond and he was moving closer. Too close with his eyes on your lips and his hand around your neck and when he closed the distance and you felt the softness of his lips press up against yours, yet none of it felt real.

  
You were frozen. Paralyzed by the warmth of his mouth. By the way his hand gripped around your neck, fingertips threaded into your hair at your nape and when his lips parted and you felt the tip of his tongue, cautiously moving along your lip. A delicate question you couldn't answer. Your mind was too confused and befuddled.

  
A gasp outside of the kiss, outside of his hands on you, outside of the taste of his breath that brought you to your knees every fucking time--a gasp sounded out behind him and he was pulling away. He was turning quickly toward the sound, away from your lips and your love that ached so completely within your chest.

  
Sohee.

  
She must have come for the bathroom.

  
Not for this harsh truth.

  
“M-Minseok?” Her timid question. Her betrayed eyes that caught yours, accusations layered beneath the surprise and you pushed away from the counter. From the fancy bullshit sink that you couldn't figure out how to use and when you brushed past him toward the door that was not at all blocked by _him_ or by _her_ and you were gone. The door closed behind you cutting off the sound of her name, spoken in his voice as he tried to get his words to cooperate with him now.

  
Your coat and umbrella were at the front, ready to take but your cell phone and your purse...you had to go back to the dining room. You had to go back to Kwangseok.

  
He didn't deserve being abandoned. The man had done nothing wrong. He was merely ignorant as to who your heart was currently being held captive by.

  
Kwangseok sat at the table, a drink in one hand, his cell phone in another and his face brightened when you made your way through the curtain.

  
“There she is, I was beginning to think you'd left me.” His voice was softer now than it had been when the others were present. There was a sort of youth in the sound of it that tickled at your ears and sparked just a touch of guilt.

  
For what? Because he wouldn't know the truth? Because he could never have your heart?

  
Your smile was a sad one. He didn't seem to mind it one bit. You noticed the way his eyes took in your face, moving slowly and appreciatively when he reached your eyes there was a moment where he was still. A moment when you considered that maybe...just maybe this guy could compare. Or surpass.

  
“I've just settled the check and we can be done with this stuffy place once and for all.”

  
The curtain parted and Minseok was back, looking genuinely surprised to see you in the room. Clearly, he expected your exodus to extend far beyond the bathroom.

  
“Sohee?” You spoke up knowingly, watching Minseok's flushed cheeks and rapidly blinking eyes.

  
“She sends her apologies for leaving early. Family emergency.”

  
Suddenly the flush in his cheeks wasn't in both of them as he rubbed lightly against his left cheek and you recognized a man who had been hit by a woman scorned.

  
The curtain parted again.

  
“I'm sorry Mr. Kim...the storm seems to have knocked out our credit card systems.. we aren't able to process your payment for the bill. You wouldn't happen to have cash would you?”

  
The interruption was a stuffy woman in a suit who wore a chagrined expression.

  
“I--” Kwangseok patted his suit, pulling out a wallet with a few bills inside. “I usually don't carry much cash. I'm afraid I don't have enough to cover it.”

  
“I'll go to an ATM down the block.” Minseok was speaking up now as he too pulled out a wallet that you knew for a fact was completely empty of the bills of cash he usually carried.

  
“Actually,” you spoke up loud enough to cover the sound of the rain hitting the roof outside and the sound of both men trying to one-up each other while practically playing _Rock Paper Scissors_ to see who would get to run down to the ATM and be the hero.

  
Your purse was open and white envelope tore so easily.

  
“You see...I've come into some extra cash lately. Why don't you both let me pay?”

  
“No-” Kwangseok spoke up instantly and Minseok stared down with his mouth open at the stack of bills you waved in front of the employee.

  
“Absolutely not, I'll go down to the ATM. Put your money away.” Kwangseok was using what you assumed was his big shot lawyer voice and you tried not to laugh at the frozen expression Minseok held on his face.

  
“Are you really just going to let her pay?” Kwangseok was talking to Minseok now who seemed paralyzed.

  
“See the thing about this money, _Oppa_ is that I never even wanted it. I was just going to throw it away. It wasn't even like I had to do much of anything to get it.”

  
Your audience was captive as the bills waved around in front of both of them.

  
“I mean it was maybe...five minutes of dealing with this _asshole_ that I know and poof...all this cash--”

  
You flicked your wrist --

  
“---just rained down around me”---and you let it fly in Minseok's direction. The bills scattered as they flew, the employee let out a small surprised gasp and Minseok's eyes widened and hardened in an expression you genuinely could not place. Was that annoyance? Sadness? Anger? Was it guilt?

  
The fluttering bills settled at his feet and the silence in the room was deafening.

  
Kwangseok watched you.

  
Minseok did not. His eyes were glued down on the money that laid at his feet.

  
“Please accept my apologies ma'am, I seem to have dropped it. You can use this to settle the bill.”

  
Her face shot up and she nodded quickly as she bent down and began gathering the money as quietly and discreetly as possible and you met Kwangseok’s eyes with a small smile.

  
“I had a lovely time tonight. I hope you did as well. Sorry about making such a mess.”

  
You had your bag and your dignity and you left as quickly as you could. Not once looking back.

  
The raging storm outside was no match for the one brewing inside your chest and you were no longer afraid of taking on either one.

 

 

 

 

 


	4. Four

 

 

 

Your phone was ringing by the time you made it inside the cab. Minseok must have left the awkwardness of the restaurant by now and the on and off buzzing inside your purse punctuated the humming you felt inside your chest -- you saw his name flashing boldly across the screen of your cell phone.

After the first three calls went ignored he was texting and the taxi was pulling up outside of your home just as you turned off the buzzing and left the phone to deal with ignoring the man you hated to have the misfortune of falling in love with.  
  
Your home was quiet. Your cat was sleeping curled up in a ball on the sofa that you'd long since given up on keeping her off of and you slipped out of your shoes. As you walked through your home you slipped out of the expensive dress and you let the garment fall at the floor of your bedroom door way and kicked it lifelessly through the threshold, aiming for, and missing the hamper full of dirty clothes.

You needed your pajamas. You needed alcohol and possibly ice cream and you needed a little mind-numbing comedy television.

Your bra joined the dress nearly in the hamper but not quite and you were halfway into your comfy pajama top when a rough pounding on your door sent a jolt of alarm through your system.

A glance at the clock told you it was too early for his usual visits--

But tonight was anything but usual.

Not quite 9 pm. Not quite time for Kim Minseok to be done with whatever he had been doing with his busy life and back to pull you into his arms and his lips and demand your attention for another night.

But he had no schedule tonight. You wondered how long he even debated before he made his way to your door.

When you lifted your silent cell phone you saw the string of messages. Questions peppered in between pleas, some demanding, some nearly begging and confused. All scandalized, victimized, and thoroughly blindsided.

He couldn't be serious.

Was this man really so clueless as to why you were mad--

No..mad didn't cut it.

You were furious.

You were livid.

You were done.

You tossed the phone down onto your bed and your legs carried you to the front door where the pounding sounded out again. Much louder and more abrasive than Minseok had ever sounded in the past.

What could possibly be going on in his head to warrant such strong emotions from the stone-faced statue of absolute composure himself?

You heard your name, in his voice spoken through the door. Muffled and strained yet clear enough to ding against your heart wound.

“Please just open the door, I know you are in there.”

The softness of his voice didn't match the tension you heard in the way he pounded on the door.

You steeled your emotions and unlocked the door before one of your neighbors came out to investigate the incredible racket he was making. The last thing you wanted was someone recognizing him right now in his current state.

You pulled the door open quickly and caught him mid fist-raise as he poised to pound against your door again.

“What are you doing making so much noise in someone's else's home Kim Minseok?”

Your tone was admonishing and his eyes widened as his pretty mouth opened to speak. He was suddenly struck dumb by something and you watched his eyes blink rapidly, pink cheeks and messed up hair as if his hands had been running through it. You saw the light redness over his cheekbone that Sohee had given him and there was an intensity in those eyes that spoke volumes where his words seemed to fail to deliver.

“Can I please come inside?” When he found his words they were tense and his lungs raged inside his chest, accentuating his rapid breathing.

You then realized you stood with your body blocking the doorway, blocking his entrance into your home and you glanced down curiously at your own body which usually stepped aside for him to slip inside so easily.

“I-I promise I will be--” his voice was unsure again, unsteady and you heard what you thought was a tremble somewhere in his chest. Those eyes looked down at your neck as he spoke, refusing to meet all way into yours and you figured the anger in your own eyes had quelled some of his courage.

“You'll be what Minseok?”

His eyes steadied themselves and he slowly looked up into yours. You watched some sort of a battle taking place in there and you wondered exactly what it was he was having so much trouble saying. He felt different. You couldn't believe it, but he seemed much more intimidated than he'd been around you in the past.

You didn't miss the way he swallowed, his lips tensing out flat as his throat bobbed up and down, exhaling a puff of air through his nose.

“You'll be quick? You'll be quiet? You’ll be a decent human being? What will you be if I let you inside Minseok?”

His startled wide eyes watched you as his stupid mouth was silent again. As always, Minseok chose to remain quiet when an answer, any answer would help. Why was the man so stubborn and frustrating?

You couldn't stand there and watch his inaction any longer. Your temper was getting the best of you now and you had to leave. You spun on your heels and retreated leaving the door open and that frustrating, stubborn man at your door.

“Do whatever you want. You always do anyway.”

Your legs carried you to your kitchen where your body seemed to be moving of its own will as you grabbed a single glass from the cupboard and a bottle from your pantry. You half recognized the clear liquid as vodka, but you would be satisfied with whatever bottle your hand grabbed first.

You didn't wince at the taste of the alcohol. You didn't feel the burn as it made its way down your esophagus into your stomach. It felt nearly the same as drinking water with how disconnected your mind felt right now. You weren't feeling anything but the anger that coursed through you and when you looked up you were surprised to find him nowhere in sight. Nowhere in your kitchen, at your heels, demanding answers to your rage, demanding you talk to him, demanding for you to forgive him this instant and be his _best friend_ again--

\--but he wasn't there.

 

Curiosity is a stupid thing.

 

Curiosity made you move first and you walked back to the door where you’d last seen him, frozen like a beautiful statue.

Sure enough, he was there, feet firmly growing branches down into your doormat that sat just outside your door -- the word “welcome” was clearly not meant for him.

He was watching you and you caught the tremble in his eyebrows as they furrowed together and his eyes had an instability about them that you weren't used to finding in Minseok.

“Do you hate me now?”

As soon as you appeared back into his line of sight the question whispered out through his lips and why the fuck did his voice sound like that? Where was the asshole of the night before? Where was the dominant, confident, imposing man that took whatever he wanted whenever he wanted without any regard for your feelings?  
Where were his distant flippant words that echoed through your ear when he was on tour, telling you he was busy, laughing at your attempts at being cute, and baiting him with sweet _I want yous_ and _I miss yous_.

The words, you were sure were always true for you, but never for him.

When he missed you it was usually just his dick talking, and when he wanted you, you knew it was just because his balls were getting heavy.

Minseok missed the sex. Minseok didn't need you, or want you like you needed and wanted him.

“Get inside before someone sees you Minseok.”

“Do you hate me?” The uncharacteristic tremble in his voice, the uncertainty that you were sure you saw there had transformed into what you could only describe as a … pout.

But that was impossible. He couldn't possibly be pouting. This was some sort of a trick.

Despite the ridiculously out of place pout on his face that had you rolling your eyes so hard you felt the strain against your eyeballs, he was still coming inside your home. You watched him pull the door closed behind himself and slip his shoes off at the door. He slipped on the house-shoes you always kept at the door for him. The house-shoes you had forgotten to get rid of when you'd made the decision that Kim Minseok was out of your life.

How could you have missed those during your self-cleansing rampage the night of the cash shower over your head?

“It's not like you to feel sorry for yourself.” You didn't even bother trying to control your snarky response..yet for someone with so much alleged self-resolve when it came to this man, it sure felt comfortable to see him walking back into your door. You felt annoyed with everything about this situation. Particularly with how well he fit inside your home. Had your sofa always matched perfectly with his clear bright complexion? Why were your curtains the exact shade of dirty blonde as his dyed hair?

What the hell were you thinking with those? You'd change them tomorrow to something dark. Something that didn't match at all with the look of this beautiful man who was rocking back and forth on his feet as he took a tentative step closer to where you stood--your arms at your hips, as much bravado as you could possibly harness displayed proudly on your person.

“I’m not feeling sorry for myself I’m--” his hands were outstretched and the nervous way he rolled back and forth on his feet looked out of place.

“Look...the cash was a mistake. I admit that--” he was speaking now and you waited for the words any sane person would say next.

You expected it. You anticipated his apology -- you longed for it and begged for it...you half wondered if you'd accept it easily or make him suffer forever instead.

But still, no apology came out of his lips.

“At least let me pay you back for dinner” his hands were reaching again, behind himself you saw his fingertips grace against the top of his back pocket, about to pull out that god-forsaken wallet again and you exploded.

“Forget the fucking money Minseok I don't care about that.” You shouted and he visibly flinched as he froze where he stood. A new look of surprise on his face that you would shout at him, that you would finally voice the rage and the hurt and the anger that had been stewing just below the surface for years.

Silence.

The heavy kind of stubborn silence that suffocates those too weak to withstand it loomed in your living room. The longer the silence went on the worse the pain in your chest felt. Was this it? Were you suffocating? Were you really this weak? A stinging burning sensation behind your eyes signaled trouble and you closed your eyes as you gathered your will to fight that.

You'd never shown this kind of weakness with Minseok.

“I-I don't want to lose you” the desperation in his voice stabbed at your eardrums and you willed the ache in your chest to subside and the burning in your eyes to give up, but it didn't. Your chest ached with each shaking breathe and the burning in your eyes was changing as you felt the tell-tale relief. The moisture accumulated and you were powerless again as the first tear fell.

You'd lost. You were too weak to fight anymore and you wrapped your arms around your chest as new tears fell.

“W-Why are you---”

You felt his hand, warm against your shoulder and his touch made you jump back. Away from the feeling of his hand on your skin.  
  
-crying?” He whispered as he finished his sentence and you saw the hurt on his face at your reaction to his touch.

“I'm not…” you stubbornly shook your head and angled your face down, looking away from him and you angrily swiped at the tears on your face, frustrated with your own weakness.

“It's just because I'm so mad.” Your voice was as quiet as his as you felt your chest shaking now, sobs threatening to break free with him standing right here in your fucking living room, those slippers on his feet and that misplaced concerned look on face.

“You--” he began and cut himself off as soon as your eyes found his again. Something in your eyes gave him pause.

“You've never cried before, I didn't--” his face changed again as he closed his eyes tightly, squeezing out the light from the room and the sight of your embarrassing breakdown.

“Minseok what do you want? Why are you here tonight? What do you want from me?” The dam holding your tears back wasn't the only one that broke. Your question was abrupt and forceful and you watched his eyes widen instantly with your bold question.

“I-I can't lose you,” he repeated, perhaps for emphasis.

“I thought we would be okay… I thought we would still be friends no matter what.” He'd taken another step, closing in again where you had retreated from him. This time you stood your ground.

“I think you must have thought too highly of me. There’s only so much I can take Minseok.” Your honest words didn't hold the relief you thought they would and you heard what sounded like a tiny scoff of disbelief from Minseok. The man was working something out in his head and you felt the skin on the back of your neck prickle.

“Why does this bother you so much? It’s not like you're in love with me.” His words had a bitter, sarcastic tone to them.

A cold feeling traveled down your spine, from the nape of your neck, slowly between your shoulder blades downward, scraping sharp talons as it moved and you felt the tears that had been flowing suddenly stop. Your face, still wet, felt cool under the ceiling fan blowing over your sofa and you stared into his face.

This...here it was.

Here was the painful, bitter tasting truth that sat stagnant in the back of your throat reminding you of each time he fucked you and left you.

_Deny it._

The taste that overshadowed the sweetness of the times he hugged you sweetly and smelled your hair and rubbed your back, happy to see you after a long tour, laughing and drinking together with Minhee and his closest friends from before...from before the fame.

_Fucking deny it!_ your brain was shouting over the distracting humming in your ears. And his sarcastic smirk was fading the longer he stared at you.

The bitter taste that came flooding back after every phone call that started with “I miss you” and was cut short with “I gotta go, I'll talk to you later.” Every desperate kiss of his lips as he pushed through your doorway, peeling off his shirt and pants on the way to your bedroom, tasting like liquor and feeling like a hurricane.

Your mouth was hung open as your world crumbled at your feet.

His eyes widened and his brows furrowed. His posture straightened and he looked at you, square in the face, suddenly seeing everything as plain as fucking day yet still in denial. Because it couldn't be. It was impossible. It had been against the rules really. Never spoken outright but certainly implied enough times to be clearly expected of you.

“Right? That’s not it right?”

You felt sick now. You couldn't clear that taste no matter how much you swallowed and your words weren't working right. You knew you should deny it, but the words were stuck in your throat.

He was staring at you and the longer the silence dragged on the more you saw the realization hit him hard and fast.

“Y-You can't be… I’ve been so careful...I mean I was such an asshole so this wouldn't happen...so you wouldn’t--”

The room felt as if it was closing in the longer you stood useless and small and his words echoed back again and again in the tiny space you found yourself trapped inside. Was he behaving this way on purpose?

_I've been such an asshole so this wouldn't happen_

You shook your head, unwilling to believe that his actions lately were anything more than Minseok acting like an entitled prick.

“How long?” He finally said after staring at your silent face for too long.

You closed your eyes and winced at the pain in your chest.

_Only since...forever Minnie. I've loved you forever._

His voice felt soft. Too delicate for the amount of pain and dread you felt inside you as you sat under his microscope, with all of your deep secrets in his sights now.

You hadn't denied it. And he knew you well enough to know what that meant.

“How long have you been in love with me? Why didn't you ever say anything?”

“I think you should leave.” You interrupted him and his eyes widened as he looked at you with a new pain behind his eyes.

You couldn't look into those eyes and when your own eyes crumbled under the weight he shifted.

“How long?!” His voice raised to an unusual volume that sounded like someone else entirely and you saw the step he took before you felt his hands on your arms.

The outburst made you jump and you instantly tried to hide it, shaking your head in a stupid desperate attempt to deny something, anything you could.

“Goddammit will you just fucking answer me? Just fucking be honest with me for once -- how long?”

Months...years...a lifetime. The answers danced on the tip of your tongue, being pulled at by his pleading eyes. His hands gripped your arms hard and he dipped his head in front of you, forcing you to look at him, forcing you to face this and answer his question.

But the fear inside of you took your truth and buried it down.

“I think you should leave.”

You were the world's biggest coward.

“Please just t-talk to me, you won't ever tell me anything please just tell me the truth for once.”

“I want you to leave.”

“Please--” his eyes watched you, hurt and pain deep within them flaring up and he shook his head back and forth. “--you don't mean that.”

“I think it's best if we stop this...all of it. Let's not see each other again.”

You saw it happen. The change in his expression as he realized what you had said.

His eyes searched yours, pleading, begging, desperately hoping for something, anything in your own that would give him a clue about what you were doing here. Perhaps he knew the truth all along--that you were so in love with him that you could no longer find any reason to resist. That you had lost yourself so completely along the way that you no longer had any idea who you even were anymore.

He was silent as he watched your face and you put your walls back up -- so carefully constructed after all, the bricks were strong and they fit together easily. Your tears had long since dried up and the bubbling confession of love that had seeped up somewhere along the foundation had been shoved down so forcefully that you were sure it wouldn't make any more appearances in this lifetime.

Your secret...maybe not as much of a secret as you would like, not with the way he was watching you right now, but your secret nonetheless, was still yours.

Filthy.  
Weak.  
Disgustingly naive.

And yours.

“Can we still be friends?”

For the first time in much too long, Minseok sounded fragile as he asked you a simple question. His eyes now held on to something else, something that looked like resignation and you heard a quiet sniffle from his nose. His voice sounded thicker than usual and you felt your own head move a tiny bit as you shook your head, giving your response a rhythm before you pried your lips open to speak.

“I don't know that we ever were.”

The long exhale that vacated his lungs filled the silence between you two and he took a step back, his hands rose as he rubbed roughly over his face.

You stood your ground and waited for it to be over. Waited for him to leave your apartment and your life for good and never call you or speak to you again.

“Do--” he spoke from behind his hands, pausing to inhale a deep breath before he continued.

“--you really want this?”

Why was he even asking this again? The decision had already been made by his actions.

“I’m done… I can't do this anymore.”

His hands were down from his face. His eyes avoiding yours now as his grim expression his whatever emotions you knew he was concealing from you now.

“I know better than to try and change your mind when you're like this…”  
  
Was that it?

Was he giving up already? So easily?

“I hope I can trust that you will keep all of this from my family.”

There it was again. As if on cue, his precious reputation when it came to his parents and his sister was the utmost importance, above the fractured friendship of years that sat crumbled at your feet. You thought you heard the pieces crushed under his feet as he moved through your living room to your front door where he was silently grabbing his shoes, moving so quickly you wondered what he could possibly have left to be running away from.

“O-Of course.” You whispered to his back that rolled with hushed agitation and tension as he reached for your doorknob. You noticed a tremble in his hand as he moved and you heard what couldn't possibly be a sound from him, a shuddering gasp...one that nearly sounded like a sob if it would've come out of any other person in the world but from Kim Minseok that sound should have been impossible.

Yet you saw his hand move up to quickly cover his own mouth as he turned away from you and pushed roughly through your front door.

The door slammed loudly, sending a boom that echoed through your ears swiftly followed by a wake of silent desolation that hit you in the face. The silence brought your tears back and the realizations hit you again and again. More than the physical, more than the sweet kisses and hot sex you would be without, the sting was worse when you remembered the conversations. The laughs and the inside jokes and the secrets and the friendship built up over the years.

Maybe Minseok had been right.  
The emptiness coursed through your chest, cold and consuming.  
Maybe you had just lost your best friend.

\------------------

“So I don't get it, was it just sex it was this guy really something special?”

Minhee was grunting as she used the ice cream scoop to dig through the carton, tossing the plastic utensil down angrily onto the grange counter with a huff when the frozen treat wouldn't budge.

“Ugghhh--” you groaned out loud from the big plush sofa in her living room where you had plopped your lifeless body down in a huff an hour and a half ago in great need of her comfort and encouraging words.

“--I don't know Minhee. I mean everything was supposed to be casual.”

“Well, if it was supposed to be casual why are you moaning and groaning on my couch and why is this ice cream so fucking frozen?!”

It had been exactly 72 hours now since you had last spoken to Minseok and your low mood had become quite obvious by now to Minhee who made you come over and spill the details of your latest guy trouble.

“So how come you never told me about this guy before? I didn't even know you were seeing anybody...friends with benefits even...I have to admit, I'm proud.” The couch dipped as she plopped herself down next to your head and handed you a small bowl with a spoon stuck inside.

“So what's his name? What does he do? Do I know him? You said you've known him for years right? I must know him. Come on...spill it.”

_Kim Minseok. A.k.a. Xiumin of popular idol group EXO, your dear brother whom I have known since the 2nd grade and have spent more nights daydreaming over than any other human being on this entire planet. The man who I've been secretly in love with for longer than I've known what love was and the man who, until his most recent tour, used to call me at nearly every opportunity he could to tell me stories about his shows, send me pictures from the tour, ask me questions about my day and share secrets with me that I swore I'd take with me to my grave._

“You don't know him.” You said as convincingly as you could manage and you felt the lie tumble down to join the countless others you had inside your belly.

The comedy you both watched together barely made a dent in your mood and when the door latch sounded out and Mrs. Kim walked through the door you looked up into her face that stared back at you with a cold unreadable expression that mirrored the one you'd seen Minseok sporting countless times.

Her phone was in her hand, still illuminated by her recent phone call and something in the way her eyes zeroed in on you, completely ignoring the greeting Minhee called out made you sit up straighter.

You felt your stomach drop with that look.

“I've just had a chat with Sohee’s mother--”

Scenes from your double blind date replayed like a grainy horror film in your mind. The sweet touching and the over-the-top flirting that Minseok laid on extra thick that night. Building Sohee’s hopes up so high while simultaneously causing a rage of jealousy in your own body.

The sound of her startled gasp when she found you and him in that bathroom...you embraced in his clutches, his hands in your hair, his firm body leaning well into you--enough to feel the steady thrum of his heart beating against your breasts, with his mouth on yours with a kiss that definitely didn't seem like an accident or silly experiment.

“Can I have a word with you in the study please?”

You weren't even sure how you got your legs to work at this point, your heart was pounding so hard against your ribs you were sure anyone within shouting distance could hear it.

Minhee shot you a curious look as you nodded at Mrs. Kim’s back and shrugged innocently at Minhee.

You walked down the grand hallway toward the door that stood ajar at the end with what you were sure was your certain doom on the other side of the it and when you reached the threshold you caught sight of the small woman with familiar eyes and hardly a single wrinkle on her pretty face. She was hunched slightly over a large desk with both of her hands resting flat on the surface, her darkened cell phone sat face up on the table between her hands.

“Close the door please.”

Your hands were trembling at this point but you did as you were told, anxious to just get on with it. She could call you a loser and a whore and tell you never to set foot inside her home again, effectively cutting you off forever from the people who had been like a second family to you for your whole life. You braced for it and tried your best to keep the shaking in your hands under control.

“Mrs. Kim I can expl--”

“What exactly happened on that blind date the other night?” There was an edge in her voice that sounded distinctly motherly as she cut you off instantly with her abrupt question.

Your words had been cut short and your mind scrambled for something, anything that might explain the fucking nerve you had to be caught in such a situation with her precious son, by his date no less...but she was speaking faster than your scrambling mind could work.

“I mean, what did he do to this one? Didn't they seem to get along? Didn't he seem to like her? And yet--”

Something was off in her words the faster she spoke and you tilted your head, trying to grasp where she was going with her impending accusation.

“Well Sohee’s mother says she came home that night refusing to even discuss Kim Minseok...wanted absolutely nothing to do with him...actually cried in her bedroom for two hours straight--”

Your jaw hung as the words left her mouth and realization hit you.

“--and is completely silent about what he did that could have possibly ruined everything so completely. I need to know. What happened that night? What did Minseok do to Sohee that would cause her to cut him off so completely?”

She didn't know.  
  
Minseok’s mother didn't know...which meant dear used, scorned, broken Sohee hadn't uttered a single word to her mother or anyone else who might tell, about what she had walked in on in the bathroom that night.

Sohee… had kept her mouth shut. Whether out of respect, or solidarity, or embarrassment, you had no way of knowing but she hadn't said a word.

As out of your control as it had been, you suddenly felt that much worse for playing any part in her deception that night.

Your mind was working now as your own little crisis seemed to smooth over and vanish with the churning tides of the room and you were quick to relay the events of the night of the blind date to Mrs. Kim as convincingly and of course as selectively as you could.

In the end, you had convinced the well-meaning, though obviously meddling woman that the two must have simply had some disagreement while you had left to use the restrooms since, by the time you had returned, she had already left without saying goodbye to you.

“That boy!” Mrs. Kim's frustrations with her son, though for vastly different reasons from your own, felt comforting in their own way and you wholeheartedly nodded your head in complete agreement with her sentiment.

A distant sound made both of your heads perk up and she rose to her feet at the sound of shattering glass from what you assumed was coming from the direction of the kitchen.

You were closest to the door and you exited quickly, making your way down the hallway toward the sound of now, cursing, muttered in a slurred voice.

An unexpectedly familiar slurred voice.

When you reached the kitchen you saw him-- Minseok, standing at the counter, a shattered bottle of soju at his feet and a new, unopened bottle in his hand as he hastily unscrewed the cap and lifted the bottle to his lips.

“Minseok are you okay?” Mrs. Kim was rushing toward him and you reached for her arms to stop her from walking through the broken glass that littered the floor all around him.

Her eyes followed where you pointed and Minseok stood, still steadily draining the bottle that he had just opened mere moments ago.

You saw the tremble in his hands as he slammed the empty glass onto the counter too hard and the way he closed his eyes tightly, a delayed comical wince at his mistake, told you that he was, of course very very drunk. Perhaps more so than you had ever seen him in the past.

His eyes opened up at the sight of you and something in those bloodshot eyes looked dangerous.

“What's going on?” Minhee stumbled out from her bedroom at the commotion and you briefly turned to shoot your friend a worried look.

From the corner of your eye, you saw it.

Movement.

Minseok was moving, walking straight toward where you stood, stepping right over the broken bottle at his feet, you heard the crunch of the glass under his feet and your eyes widened to see him advancing into your space.

His hands reached and you felt the tips of his fingers first as he touched your face, taking another step, more glass crunched and a quiet gasp sounded out beside you from his mother. A second gasp, in stereo, from Minhee as his hands pulled your face to his own and you felt his lips crash roughly against your own surprised parted ones.

You felt frozen. His mouth moved over yours and the grip of his hands was strong, his lips parted and his tongue pushed inside, bringing along the taste of alcohol, strong and bitter and you came to life at the taste.

You lifted your hand to his strong chest and pushed. He didn't give. His drunkenness was too noisy for him to hear what was happening outside of his own mind right now and another hand was what it took to push him away.

He stumbled, his eyes opening in surprise to find you there, the one he was kissing in the kitchen of his parents' house, in front of his mother and his sister and you saw recognition breakthrough the drunken haze.

His lips, still wet from the kiss pulled into a sweet smile and you felt the relieved exhale against your mouth as he said your name in a breathy whisper.

“You- you came back.” He slurred through drunken lips and you heard his mother calling his name, desperately trying to make sense of his erratic drunken behavior.

“I thought you were gone forever, don't you know how much I missed you? How much I always miss you?” His eyes were on yours and his hands held their strong grip on your face as he spoke. You felt his thumb brushing sweetly against your cheek.

“Don't leave me again okay? I love you so much, don't leave me again.”

He was moving, his eyes looking down at your lips and you braced your hands against his chest again, ready to push him down to the ground if you had to when you felt his weight suddenly vanish completely from below your palms.

You heard a shriek from beside you and felt the tumble of his weight at your legs as he collapsed into a drunk, and now unconscious heap, at your feet.

 

 

 


	5. Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: The soundtrack for this chapter is Jeff Buckley’s Lover You Should Have Come Over

  
  


  
Between the three of you, Minseok's frantic and consistently dramatic mother, his sister Minhee and yourself, you managed to drag Minseok to his room and deposit him onto his bed.

To say he was a bit inebriated was the understatement of the century. You'd known Minseok - intimately and honestly - for years, and you had never seen him in a state such as this.

He had to have been drinking all afternoon at least, and by the way you saw him drain that bottle of soju, and the fact that there was next to no liquor amongst the shattered bottle that littered the kitchen floor, telling you that he'd downed that one too, you knew he had really done a number on himself this time.

Even now as he laid, half on his bed, half hanging off and you pulled at his feet trying in vain to straighten him out and roll him onto his side so if he should happen to vomit in his sleep, you wouldn't need to hold a press conference announcing the death of a beloved member of EXO- dead in his sleep, choked on his own vomit in a drunken stupor.

“What the hell has gotten into him?” Minhee stood at the doorway with her arms over her chest and a look of disgust on her face at the state of her big brother and you bit down on your bottom lip, shaking your head and looking down at the shockingly, still breathtaking face of Kim Minseok as he lightly snored away on his bed in his old room at his parents house.

The bedspread, with its tasteful geometric shapes in a warm shade of grey with bright yellow accents and high thread count that felt like silk against your bare skin, was familiar in a way that made your stomach dance with the warmth that spread through your abdomen up your chest, bringing a wave of nostalgia that you instantly rebuked with a discrete head shake.

You didn't want that memory.

You definitely didn't need it...yet the sound of broken glass rattling in the distance that pulled Minhee away, did little to shake that pesky memory from your mind and you stood like a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming car, staring down at the man with the pretty face and the crooked smile and the lips that tasted like heaven itself as your mind wandered into the treacherous waters of your first and only love.

It was only fitting that your first time should have been here, in this very room...on this very bed and on this exact bedspread. How could so little have changed about this room?

Your fingertips grazed along the grey diamonds with yellow stripes as your mind wandered and Minseok stirred on the bed, letting out a low moan that sounded husky and throaty...and familiar. A sound that echoed in your memory as the scene played out against your will.

_He’d been watching you all evening, giving you a small smile each time you caught him before he looked away with a pinkness in his cheeks that made your heart flip. The family dinner had been cut short when Minhee had come down with a sudden stomach bug that made her too sick for company and Mrs. Kim had taken her into the hospital when she was in danger of dehydration from the vomiting._

_It wasn't every day that Minseok was home though and the pull to him had been strong lately. No matter how obvious it became that there was really no reason for you to hang around that night, with your best friend gone and his mom nowhere to be found. There was really no one in the house to entertain you. Yet, every muscle in your body made you want to linger. Even now as you sat on the sofa flipping through channels on the tv, you could feel a nagging pull that once again made your eyes turn toward the kitchen._

_He cleared his throat and quickly looked down at the sandwich he had been making, resuming the speed at which he spread condiments, that had suspiciously slowed down to a crawl while his eyes had been on you._

_Your heart was in your throat and your skin felt much too warm by now. How much longer could this awkward, tense game continue before you either left or --_

_\--or--_

_“Here. I made you one. I don't think they'll be back tonight. Minhee seemed pretty sick.” Your daydream was cut short by his shy smile and the plate that you noticed had a tiny tremble that made the sandwich dance in front of your vision for a moment before you grabbed it from him with a surprised eyebrow lift and your own sweet smile._

_“Thank you--” you began to express your gratitude when you felt his hand reach down for your own, then free hand that held the remote control that you had somehow forgotten about during the game of shy glances that had been going on for an hour since the others left._

_His fingers grazed against your own for the splittest of seconds before you felt him grabbing what he had clearly been after and he sat down next to you on the sofa and focused his attention on the big tv, casually flipping through channels as he began to eat his sandwich._

_You could not fake such brevity...because your hand was tingling where the memory of his fingers had touched and your eyes were on his profile.. his pretty nose, striking eyes that flitted around as he focused on channel after channel that flew by. His jaw flexed as he chewed and you watched his Adam's apple bob up and down as he swallowed._

_You half knew that you should stop staring at him and your mind had its own little countdown of impending doom...the seconds you had in which you could freely take in his beauty before he would realize that you were staring and turn to catch you._

_“You're not eating. You should eat. I made it for you.” You heard his voice as he spoke up, still not looking at you, but clearly very aware of your trance. Was he as aware of you as you were of him?_

_You closed your mouth, which to your horror had been hanging wide open since he sat down, and you pulled your eyes down to look at the plate in your lap._

_The sandwich looked simple, yet your stomach was hungry so you picked it up and took a small bite, forcing your eyes to stay down at the plate and off of his face. If only you could force your heart to somehow calm the hell down too._   
  
_You must have jumped a mile into the air when you felt his fingertips brush lightly against the corner of your lips and your exaggerated startled reaction made him quickly pull his hand back with wide startled eyes._

_“You-you had something, sorry I didn't mean to--” his voice sounded nervous as he stammered into an explanation as to why he had suddenly touched your mouth and you felt the blush creeping rapidly up your neck to fill your cheeks._

_“See?” Your eyes moved to the finger he held up to your face and you saw a bit of sauce from the sandwich --- behind his evidence, a small smirk on that pretty face and softer eyes that swore innocence._

_He was moving now and you felt the couch shift as he stood up suddenly, taking his half-eaten sandwich with him as he retreated into the kitchen._

_He came back with a napkin and handed it to you with a bit of a pout on his face that caught you off guard as he sat back down next to you, the warmth of his thigh seeping through his jeans, warming your leg that he leaned against._

_“Here...since you don't want me to touch you.”_

_There was a bit of a moping tone in his soft voice and you shook your head with a tiny smile._

_“I want you to touch me.”_

_The bold words were out before you could take them back and seal them inside your vault forever and you snapped your lips shut much too late to stop them from reaching his ears._

_His hand that held the napkin stopped midway on its way to you and he stared at you with furrowed brows and a confused look on his face._

_“I mean…” you knew the blush on your face was fierce and you shook your head trying to steady your voice as you tried to find some way to explain what you had just confessed to him._

_“You… want me to--” his question was as fragmented as your mind felt and his eyes were on yours, boring into your mind with the intensity you felt in his gaze. A puff of air danced through his parted lips that you swear you felt hit you right in the face and he closed his eyes tightly for a moment, tilting his head back and forth a few times._   
  
_“Y-You're Minhee’s b-best friend…”_

_Minseok whispered, nearly too quietly for you to hear and through the noise of the program blaring on the tv screen across the room you weren't even quite sure you had heard it.. but your hopeful mind screamed at you, sounding out a warning now as he sat there with his eyes closed tightly and one hand slowly moving the plate from his lap to sit on the side beside him._

_You looked down to see the napkin flit to the floor and when you looked up he wasn't looking at you, but down at your hand that rested over your thigh, gripping the side of your own plate for dear life._

_When he moved, at last, you felt the tug as he moved the plate from your lap and his eyes pulled up much too slowly to look into yours._

_“You--” he said quietly and you paid no attention to where he put the plate because he had moved closer to where you sat, leaning into you, you could see that the spell he was under was a strong one and his fingers danced up your arm, tracing small circles with cold fingertips along your skin._

_“Oppa--” you began a quiet question and his eyes closed again with a slow inhale._

_“Do...you think you could call me Minseok?”_   
_“Oppa feels a bit…guilty.”_   
_With his eyes still closed, you watched him swallow and the pinkness in his cheeks grew before he clenched down harder on his jaw, making that muscles flex in his face._

_Guilty. He knew this was out of line. This was not allowed, yet here you both sat, inches apart without pesky things like plates and sandwiches to get in between you._

_He waited for what felt like hours for you to remove the final barrier._

_“Minseok--” his name on your lips that night has its own profile of complex flavors and as soon as you said it his eyes shot open and he leaned in, lips pressing against your own as he traced his fingers lightly along your jawline. His fingers flexed against you and your own hands moved to rest on his chest._

_It was the second time he had ever kissed you, and your mind molded into action as your body responded to him this time. No longer stunned and impotent like the stolen kiss in the pantry, you parted your own lips when you felt his head tilt and the sharp inhale of breath he took straight from your lungs, both for oxygen and for the taste of you, you sighed into him, giving in to everything you had been wanting to do for years. The softness of those lips, the wetness of his tongue and the greediness you felt in that kiss felt like a drug. You felt its effects take over your body instantly. And you wanted more._

_The kiss lasted for years. Although over in a few seconds, that kiss lasted and lasted in your mind and your memory and Minseok pulled away with a small smile, resting his forehead against your own, his hand gripping around the back of your neck._

_“You’re Minhee’s best friend.” A whiny complaint against your lips brought out a courage in you and you smiled into him as you leaned in to kiss his lips once more, enjoying the way he reluctantly gave in, a little too easily. Enjoying the way his breathing turned ragged and affected when you bit down lightly on his bottom lip._

_“I can be your best friend too Minseok, we've known each other long enough.”_

_“Okay… you can be my best friend then.” You had a feeling he would've agreed to anything right now with the sudden desperation you heard in his voice and he was standing and tugging at your arm, urging you to stand, pulling you along, out of the Living Room down the hallway, he turned to watch you as he walked backwards, your hand outstretched in front of you when his back reached his closed bedroom door, he paused with his hand on the knob._

_“Does my best friend want to come see my room?”_

Best Friend… the memory spurred a sudden realization and you heard him groaning again as he turned over on the bed in a fitful sleep now.

Had the words really come from your own lips? Had you urged Minseok to consider you his best friend from the very beginning? You must have been so high on him that you hadn't realized the impact your words seemed to have had on him.

There was a knock on the doorframe and you turned suddenly, brought out of your thoughts by the sight of Minseok's Mother.

“Can we talk for a moment?” There was a lightness in her voice that you honestly hadn't anticipated, yet as soon as you reached the doorway you felt her grab ahold of your hand and pull you out of Minseok's room into the hallway. Her eyes shone with an out of place giddy excitement and you tried your best to keep your face as guiltless and calm as you possibly could as she squeezed down lightly on the palm of your hand with a growing smile on her face.

“First, before I get ahead of myself, I need to apologize for my son’s behavior this evening. Pulling you into this mess must have been very shocking and confusing to you dear, I'm so sorry.” Her lips frowned in earnest for a moment and you stared at her in absolute confusion.

Why was she apologizing to you? Hadn't she heard what MInseok had told you? Hadn't she heard the stupid drunken love declaration and seen the kiss mere feet from her face in her own kitchen? What kind of alternate universe had you stumbled into right now?

In that moment, you watched as her face changed and a look of absolute delight took over her features as she looked at your face. And she squeezed down again on your hand. She looked so excited now that you allowed your tense shoulders to relax a bit out of genuine confusion.

There was no way she was happy about this...right?

Yet, impossibly...Mrs. Kim stood in front of you with a smile and her eyes so full of life and hope you couldn't deny what you were seeing right in front of you.

“Mrs. Kim ...there's no need for you to apologize to me I--”

Your words were cautious as you swallowed the lump in your throat and prepared yourself for the explanation you owed the woman for the years of deception.

“I know he's hurting right now, but it's just so exciting when you think about it. Finally...finally that boy has--” You heard a giggle erupt from her chest and you were pretty sure she had lost her mind now. There was no way she was this happy about this mess.

Your reaction must have been unsatisfactory because she was watching you closely for a while before she shook your hand which she held tightly in both of her warm hands.

“What's with your expression? This is wonderful news my darling!” She exclaimed and you felt the hope in your chest swell for a moment before it was pushed back down the harsh reality of the situation you were in.

As excited as Mrs. Kim was for you and her son, the harsh reality was that there was nothing at all to be excited about.

There was no _you and Minseok_ anymore. You weren't even sure there had ever been something between you that could be named as any sort of a pair.

“Mrs. Kim, I’m not--” You shook your head and you heard the exasperated sigh fill the hallway you both occupied as she quickly began speaking again, cutting you off in her excitement.

“Don’t you get it? He’s finally in love! Why else would he be such a mess right now? You know he hides everything so well except for the drinking...and it's no wonder, with Sohee as upset as she was after the blind date, he must be in absolute agony by now. It's been three days. My poor boy, finally experiencing the joys and heartaches of love.”

_Sohee._

_Sohee._

You felt as if the woman had tossed a bucket of ice water over your head as soon as you heard the name.

The name of the perfect, elegant, radiant Sohee who Mrs. Kim loved and wanted so deeply to be the woman to marry her son.

You clenched down hard on your jaw as Minseok's mother kept talking, her rapid-fire excited speech pattern echoed into the hollow space that had filled your head now and you stood lifeless in the hallway as she excitedly filled you with her theories.

“He must have been confused when he saw you there in the kitchen, his mind in such turmoil for the love of his life, that he was sure he had lost. It's really just a matter of being in the wrong place at the wrong time.” She giggled again and you felt nauseated by the rapid words that flew out of her mouth, spinning your head around with each twist and turn of her imagination.

“I suppose after that much soju, you two do look a bit alike. She's much...smaller and...well delicate I suppose--”

“I think Minseok Oppa cut his foot earlier, I was going to look at it now if you don't mind Mrs. Kim.”  
  
You couldn't do anymore and you cut the woman off before she could go into any more detail of all the ways you would never measure up to beautiful, perfect Sohee.

Her lips snapped shut and she dropped your hand quickly as a look of concern flashed over her features. She moved toward the open bedroom door and you inhaled a soul cleansing breath that brought too much of the bullshit left behind in this hallway with it to have any clearing effects on you.

You could do this. You could care for his foot and then leave him to his stupor and her to her delusions.

“Yes, of course, you're the doctor after all. Minhee...will you bring the first aid kit? She's going to examine him.”

You didn't remind her that veterinarians didn't usually see people. She never listened when you told her anyway.

Minhee was at your side with the zip up red bag that you eventually packed up for Mrs. Kim yourself after enough visits in which you had to run to the pharmacy for something.

Minseok had rolled over onto his belly and his feet hung off the end of the bed where you sat down cross-legged to get a look at his feet. The black socks showed signs of trouble instantly when you saw the darker wet spot at the ball of his left foot and green shards of glass stuck to the surface of the fabric.

You winced and carefully peeled the sock off to reveal a bloody spot with a small bit of green glass still piercing the skin.

Your gloves were on and you irrigated the wound, cleaning the blood from the outside of his skin and carefully removing the glass from the gash in the ball of his foot with tweezers.

He let out a low groan when you pulled the wound apart to inspect for more glass and your fingers released his skin quickly. The light wasn't bright enough to check thoroughly so you send Minhee for a flashlight.

You didn't like hurting him...but his wound needed to be checked. You also had a flash of annoyance that you cared so much about his physical comfort when he was passed out drunk on the bed, not in any real position to complain anyway.

When Minhee returned and flashed the light on his foot you treated his wound with less care and a bit more roughness than your heart was comfortable with.

When you were satisfied, you medicated and bandaged up his foot, wondering if he could keep off it for at least the next 36 hours so it could heal properly.

Without much thought, you pulled out your prescription pad and wrote an order for rest that he was sure to ignore...you were a veterinarian after all and this medical order held no actual authority…him being a human and all.

And if there was anything Minseok was great at, it was ignoring you.

You slept with Minhee, sharing her big comfy bed like you had so many times in the past, but sleep was elusive and you found yourself drawn to the room down the hall.

Sometime in the middle of the night you couldn't remain in bed any longer and felt the annoying urge to check on Minseok. After thirty minutes debating you finally left the warm bed of your best friend for the forbidden room that currently smelled like a brewery.

The dim light of the bathroom shone lightly across his face and you knelt down next to the bed close to his face to watch his sleeping visage.

A steady rise and fall of his chest set your mind at ease and you allowed your gaze to wander over the features of his face. Dark eyelashes splayed below closed lids, lips parted as he breathed through his mouth and a peaceful expression in his relaxed eyebrows sent a wave of regret through you.

Regret for the way this turned out. The years of friendship thrown away for a stupid fight, for his stupid fear of whatever this was. Him choosing to act like an asshole as a defense for the way he really felt inside.

But which version of Minseok was real? The pompous jerk who flaunted his wealth and success over you used you for what he wanted and left without so much as a warning, vanishing from your existence for weeks on end, ignoring your attempts at contacting him….

Or the sweet caring friend who called you just to ask about your day, tell you stories about the tour he was on, the city he was in, sent you selfies from exotic destinations with a sweet smile or a small video with a kiss…

His words in the kitchen earlier tonight rang out in your mind. This was the second time it had happened, both times while drunk. The first time he told you he loved you, it had spooked him so badly he ignored you for weeks. Now he had done it again with more conviction and with witnesses this time.

“What are you doing here?”

His voice suddenly rang out in the darkness of his bedroom and you jumped to life when you realized his eyes were open and he had just spoken to you.

His voice was hoarse and his question was quiet, unsure and just a bit slurred. You hadn't intended on being caught in his room as he slept, yet here you were, trapped under his sleepy eyes.

“You drank a lot Minseok… and you hurt yourself.”

You were careful to keep your voice a quiet whisper even though you knew for a fact that the sounds coming from this room were muted enough for Minhee who slept down the hall to be unaware and undisturbed.

“I didn’t … hurt you did I?” You saw genuine worry behind his eyes now as he asked, unsure of what he may have done tonight and you quickly shook your head to absolve him of whatever worries he may have been having.

“No, but you did do ...something,” you responded with a deep sigh that lingered in the air in front of your face as you shifted to sit on your butt and wrap your arms around your knees in front of you.

His eyes widened a hair and you watched his brown irises dart around your face for a moment before he blinked rapidly and began to sit up on his elbow on the bed. After a moment of searching his memory, his eyes widened and you heard a small gasp before his eyes hardened slightly and he broke the eye contact he had held with you.

“I--” he began with a stammer that took his confidence and tossed it out the window.

“I remember I … saw you and I … said some things…”

If anything could be said about Kim Minseok, it was that he was consistent. He consistently kept his mouth shut when he should have said something. He consistently denied his feelings and his emotions and he consistently evaded telling you the truth about those feelings and emotions to an embarrassing degree. Your eyes were rolling and the scoff that left your lungs sounded loud in your ears.

He definitely heard the scoff loud and clear and his eyes were back on you as he clenched down hard on his jaw and furrowed his eyebrows.

You expected it by now. You knew this man better than he knew himself. The excuses were on their way.

“Listen I’m just -- I’m incredibly stressed with work, the debut of the subunit is happening very soon and it's been ages since I've had a minute to unwind and drink a bit...I may have gone overboard.”

It was the same story again and again and you stared ahead into his face with your mouth open and the words lost on your tongue. Because at this point, why were you even bothering anymore?

His words trailed off with the look you were giving him and you caught the nervous way he blinked his eyes and glanced up into your eyes, again and again, breaking the gaze with each puff of breath from his lungs.

“W-Why are you staring at me like that?”

You let out a dry humorless laugh and he swallowed at the dryness you were sure he had in his mouth now and he watched you carefully.

“I guess you don't remember the kiss in front of your mom and Minhee. The way you held me and kissed me and told me… _some things_?”

His eyes and mouth widened simultaneously and you braced against your knees and rose to your feet as you reached for the small piece of paper you had placed on his nightstand and you tossed it in his direction. It fluttered around and he scrambled to catch it before it flew to the floor, his eyes glancing down at the message you had scribbled on the paper.

“Stay off your foot for 36 hours and go get a tetanus shot tomorrow morning.”

“W-What? Where are you going?” His question flew out quickly and you heard a bit of panic under his words.

“Don't worry too much. Your mom thinks you had me confused with Sohee because you were so drunk and there's no possible way those words and that kiss could have been meant for someone like me--”

“Your stupid secret is still safe.”

You were spinning on your heels, heading for the door before the hurt you know you saw in his eyes made you lose your nerve.

Your hand was on the doorknob when you heard the unmistakable sound of a surprised cry of pain and a stumble of a body against you made your hand freeze on the doorknob.

There was warmth on your back and you gasped out loud as strong arms wrapped around your shoulders, enveloping you completely in the smell of Minseok coupled with the old stench of alcohol and antiseptic. His arms squeezed tighter and the lump in your throat made it difficult to swallow away the bitter taste in the back of your throat.

After a moment you found your voice.

“Oppa--”

“Please don't call me that. You know I hate that from you.” His voice was at your neck and your eyes closed against your will as his warm voice played against your eardrums. You could feel their descent as they ran down your throat and tickled lightly against your heart. Like fingertips pressing into a wound, you felt the ache of his words.

“Oppa... let me go, I'm not staying.” Your words didn't sound as convincing once they were out as you hoped.

“Please-- You--You took care of me tonight. You had to have done that for a reason right? You can't just leave. I need you.”

You felt a flood with his words and the battle raging within your chest was thrashing you from the inside. You could feel the effects of the scrimmage raging against the walls of your ribcage. Bullets flew, bodies were falling, the casualties rose in numbers.

“I need you tonight baby, please. I miss you. I want you. You're already here, just stay here with me... huh?”

A rattle in your chest let you know when the big bomb exploded and the bricks and glass that flew sent a shockwave through you. You felt the aftershocks raging through you and you began to tremble from the strain. You were strong, but not strong enough to withstand this war.

The tightness with which he held onto you vanished when he felt you trembling inside his arms and you heard your name on his lips peppered against your ear in a frantic voice.

The trembling brought waves of emotion. Violent, invasive, destructive, weak emotion and you felt your legs give as you lost the fight against his closed bedroom door you fell down to your knees and you heard the startled gasp of the man who held onto you and fell to the floor behind you.

You couldn't steady your breaths. So you gasped and the sobs threatened to take whatever bit of dignity you had left.

It wasn't much anymore anyway.

You heard his voice. Too distant and too scared and then you felt arms again. Steadier and strong and you were lifted and moved onto a soft surface that brought back the memories again.

The desperate kisses. The way his fingers touched every inch of your skin and the feeling of his lips and tongue on your flesh. The way he asked again and again if you were sure. The way you pleaded with him to give in and do it and the relief and euphoria you felt when he pushed inside of you for the first time on this very bed.

And you heard it. Somewhere in the distance amidst your sins, you heard it.

In his own voice, you heard it.

“I'm sorry--”  
“I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry. Fuck..” a frustrated growl against the top of your head and he was laying behind you as he held on to your trembling body.

More than the apology the loudest noise that echoed out, giving rival to your own tears were the ragged sobs coming from his chest. You turned your head to look into the darkness and you saw his eyes squeezed together, a look of anguish on his face and tears streamed down his face.

“I'm sorry...I'll stop okay? I'll stop, I'm so sorry--” he repeated again and again as his arms rubbed your back and you felt the exhaustion from nearly a whole night of sleep deprivation and stress catching up to you as your sobs quieted down and the bombs cleared leaving behind smoke and rubble and you gave up. Refusing fight the sleep that pulled you forcefully under the waves you let your mind be silent and still and you gave up.

 

 


	6. Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: The soundtrack for this chapter is Happier by Ed Sheeran

  
You awoke some hours later alone with memories of your breakdown in front of Minseok, his reaction, his tearful apologies that faded as the grief and pain in your heart took over.

You'd let him see just how badly his actions had hurt you and as your eyes adjusted to the light your ears caught a sound in the distance. Somewhere else in the home you could hear voices.

What time was it? It had to be late morning by now.

You sat up on his bed, pushing off the covers that he seemed to have thrown over you in the night, and your feet sank to the floor, resting over a pair of slippers carefully set just where you would be sure to stand and walk.

Had he done this?  
  
Your toes touched along the softness of the slippers. They felt warm and you wanted to give in and slip inside, hating the way this tiny gesture of thoughtfulness felt so welcome and yet so foreign at the same time. Your friend..the man who had been such a great friend to you for so long would do these things for you. Yet with these gestures you always felt a pang of pain in your gut as you were reminded over and over just how far you had fallen. Just how in love with him you grew with each passing second and how impossible that was.

The balls of your feet pressed down onto the bare floor and you slowly and silently made your way to the closed bedroom door of Minseok's room. Up close to the door you could hear the voices much louder and you touched the handle of the door, carefully turning it so not a sound was made.

Any sound that came from you sneaking out of his bedroom would have been instantly lost in the sound of the discussion taking place outside of this room because as soon as you pulled the door open you heard the intensity of it...the volume was loud and the voices were rough and stubborn sounding as they discussed something...no, argued about something.

You instantly recognized the two.

Minhee and Minseok were fighting.

You took a few steps toward the sound, moving silently, you hugged the wall and your heart raged against your rib cage at the sound of genuine anger you could hear in MInhee’s voice.

Your legs stopped their slow and steady steps when you heard your name and your breath caught in your lungs as you leaned against the wall, well out of sight of either of them, but you were definitely the topic of their heated discussion.

“I know!” Minseok shouted out just as loud in response to Minhee’s harsh words and you heard a growl from his chest. Frustrated and angry, nearly out of control and hoarse from last nights drinking.

“I fucking know it! Don't you think I fucking know that? I feel like shit enough about it already I don’t--” a guttural growl sounded out, “I don't know what to do. I don't fucking know.”

There was a sound of something thrown. Minseok's anger and frustrations brought into the physical world as he hurled something across the kitchen. You heard a splash and a clatter into the sink. Whatever he'd thrown, it must have been plastic, as there was no glass shattering or mental clanking.

“S-She...she hates me. She has every right to-- I..” from the muffled quality of his words, he seemed to be covering his face as he spoke now.

“You are an asshole Kim Minseok.” Minhee bit back fast and you furrowed your brow, hating to hear your friend speak so harshly to the brother you knew she loved so dearly. The pair rarely fought. In fact, you couldn't even remember a single time they had been anything but a supportive and loving pair who teased and joked around with each other, not since hed moved out and joined the company. The times he was home was usually full of fun, laughter, and happiness -- but this…

This was awful. There was a genuine sound of pain in both voices and you could tell by the sound of the trembling in Minhee’s voice that she was close to tears brought on by her anger at her brother.

From this short bit of their conversation, you were certain Minhee knew about the relationship between Minseok and you. She knew and yet she...she seemed to be mad at him more than any anger she must have felt for you. Although you hadn't seen her face yet, you hadn't had the chance to face your best friend and see if she was mad at you as well.

You took another step. This could not continue. You couldn't allow them to fight to harshly because of your choice to pursue this inappropriate relationship with Minseok. While he was to blame for the recent upset in your mood, you were an adult and you knew what you were getting into when you opened your door for him over and over and over again.

“I knew, I fucking knew you would do this when you told me. All those years ago, when you were about to sign with EXO and you told me that you were in love with her… This, this right here is why I told you no--” Minhee’s voice broke through again and halted your steps as your mind blurred when you registered her words.

He...told her what?

“Why I told you that you didn't have my blessing and you told me you wouldn't. You said you'd take care of your own feelings and you'd leave her alone and now?”

You lifted your hand to cover your own mouth and sealed tightly over your nose and your parted lips. The hiccuping gasping way your lungs were behaving was making too much noise for your eavesdropping and you would surely be discovered soon if this continued.

“...but...but f-friends with benefits Oppa? You didn't even have enough fucking decency to confess and do it right, you had to...do that to her?”

There was a sound in Minhee’s voice that told you she was crying now. You knew your friend well enough and you were sure her anger would bring tears that she would swat away at in frustration as she tried to get her words out.

“If you were going to do it anyway, you should have done it right.”

“I couldn't...I can’t,” he agonized and Minhee scoffed a dry humorless laugh in response.

“I couldn’t do that to her... I couldn’t let her be with someone like me.”

“Oh please, you fucking coward, just admit that you were selfish and you were the one who didn't want to commit, you used her. My best friend in the fucking world, the person I love the most, you just used her.” Minhee responded and you felt her words hit you hard. You could feel the sentiment in her words rush through you, bringing along the affection you felt for her.

You had to stop this. You couldn't let this argument continue any longer and your legs were moving as you entered the room and placed your hand on Minhee’s shoulder, making her jump and turn to look at you with wide eyes, tears wet her cheeks and her nose red and flushed. You heard her startled gasp and she whispered your name. Her eyebrows furrowed and she looked at her brother who was yet unaware of your presence in the room.

Minseok was facing the kitchen sink, his hands gripping the counter so hard his knuckles were white and his shoulders hunched over himself. He looked so tense and agitated you wondered how badly his head must be aching from the pain of his hangover and the shouting match they had just endured.

The discord in your mind yelled at you to go to him, to wrap your arms around his shoulders and soothe the pain you knew he was feeling. Comfort you knew he needed from you, yet the rational part of your mind warned you off. Told you to cut ties with this man once and for all. This man who had no idea what he wanted, even when the obvious stood in front of him time and time again begging and pleading for him to accept it.

“I couldn't let her be with me because I love her too fucking much!” Minseok raised his voice in defense at being called out for his sins and he spun on his heels, speaking to Minhee and coming up short as soon as he saw your face. His eyes were wide, his mouth open and his trembling hands fell limply to his side as his startled face froze on yours. His stunned response so strong and telling you could practically see the panic taking over his body.

He was caught. You were here and you had heard it straight from his lips. The sober truth that had he had managed to conceal for so long now echoed out in the silence of the kitchen and you felt Minhee tremble below your hands, which had wrapped tightly around her shoulders.

She was crying and she angled her face down away from you.

“Y-You knew?” You whispered to your best friend who wiped her tears and sniffled as she nodded her head.

“I knew how he felt. But I didn't know about all of this.”

“Why didn't you say anything?” Your question was small and curious. Lacking in any judgment against her for her silence. She kept her mouth shut when he knew her brother had loved you for years. She kept that secret to herself, scared that you would only be hurt by this man.

“Why didn’t you?” Her question was black and blue. You could feel the pain in her voice and the hurt you saw in her eyes as she looked up at you and you felt flooded with regret.

“You could have trusted me enough to tell me. You know that I’ll always love you no matter what.”

The guilt settled over your head, heavy and suffocating the longer you looked at your best friend’s face. You reached for her, needing to touch her warmth suddenly and she leaned into you as you wrapped your arm around her shoulder.

A high pitched ringing filled the room, bringing your eyes away from Minhee’s and Minseok's attention was pulled from the daze he had been stuck in. His movement was sluggish and you recognized the ring tone of his cell phone as it lit up from the far end of the kitchen counter where it had been plugged in to charge the evening before, most likely by a fussing Mrs. Kim as she took care of the belongings he had left strewn about the home.

You watched Minseok’s face as the spell broke. He lifted his brows as he reached for his phone and your heart ached as you replayed the words he last spoke.

_...because I love her too fucking much_

Again and again, this man admitted to what you knew deep down inside. Minhee had even said it herself, that he had been in love with you for years.

But what good had it been?

The friendship you shared with the man had shown hints of his love but what had he actually done to show it? Abandoned you? Refused to acknowledge you to his family and friends. Ignored you again and again for weeks while he denied to himself what was actually happening here. That you were in love with him, as much, if not more so…

_”No, I’m home. At my mom’s place.”_ Minseok's voice sounded gruff into the line as he spoke to whoever had called him and you saw his shoulders stiffen up as his head lifted, a look of surprise on his face.

_”What? Here..but how…”_ He was walking quickly out of the kitchen, leaving you and Minhee behind in confusion as he went to the front door of his home.

You heard a new voice at the door, a chipper sounding man who was familiar and you felt Minhee stiffen slightly under your arm.

Was her reaction merely due to the visitor’s bad timing?

Minseok silently made his way into the kitchen, limping on his injured foot followed by Jongdae, his band member and very close friend and you couldn't quite bring the smile to your face that matched the brilliance of his.

He looked between the three of you and you saw his bright smile flatten and his eyes lingered on Minhee for a bit before he looked back at Minseok.

“Hey, what's with the mood in here?” His voice was light. Forcibly so and you wondered if you could excuse yourself before you were forced to socialize with Minseok’s friend.

Minseok had a cup of coffee in his hand and set it on the kitchen island counter in front of where Jongdae stood like an investigator examining a crime scene in front of him, reading the mood, staring between everyone's faces until you felt like you might just melt under his fierce gaze.

“It’s nothing Jongdae.” Minseok mumbled as he took a drink of his own coffee, “How did you know I was here?”

The subject change was swift and a classic Minseok move and had Jongdae been less...less of a friend, less intelligent, less intuitive it might have worked.

“Did you and Minhee fight? That’s not like you two, you never fight.” Jongdae had not taken the bait and you felt Minhee take a step away from you, wrapping her own arms over her chest. Although she was already uncomfortable with the fight and the ground opening revelation that led to the fight, she felt...off.

She felt more uncomfortable with Jongdae’s presence and your mind whirled.

“What do you know about how often Minhee and I fight? Maybe we fight all the time. How did you know I was here?”

Something was happening here that you couldn't understand, but Minseok had a point. If he hadn't called Jongdae there was no reason for him to be here. It was their day off and Minseok must have stumbled here drunk and alone, without any other members knowing of his location, yet here Jongdae was with a bag of what seemed to be breakfast and no response to the question Minseok had asked twice now.

“He isn't here for you,” Minhee whispered and Jongdae’s head turned fast enough to snap his own neck as he looked into her face. His eyes were wide in an instant and all traces of that smile were gone with Minhee’s next words.

“He knows that you and I never fight,” she said a little louder and you saw Jongdae take a step in her direction with his hands outstretched. His face betrayed panic and you saw the redness in his cheeks.

“M-Minhee--” Jongdae said quietly, a near begging tone on his lips but you felt it.

The truth.

The realization surged forward through your mind and your eyes turned quickly to Minseok.

His focus was steady, looking deep into his sister’s face as she spoke her confessions.

“And he knows what I like to eat for breakfast.” The paper bag in Jondgae’s hands fell hard onto the counter like he had just been burned by it and you saw him look forward into the room, beyond the room, beyond what had just been revealed about his relationship with his best friend’s little sister. His chest rose and fell quickly and his posture sagged against the counter before he rubbed his face roughly.

“Minseok I--” he said quietly, looking into the direction of his friend.

“You’re...sleeping with my best friend?” Minseok wasn't talking to, or even acknowledging Jongdae in the room, his question was for Minhee and for her only.

She laughed once. Loud, bitter, humorless and the room spun as your eyes bounced around, unsure who you should focus your attention on.

“Look who thinks it's a good idea to be a hypocrite,” she sneered and Minseok closed his eyes slowly, swallowing away the argument he knew he didn't have a right to make.

“I’m in love with her,” Jongdae spoke out loud. Minseok’s eyes remained closed and he tilted his head back, chin up into the air as he inhaled a deep breathe. His face twitched and a pained grimace appeared for a second before he blanked his expression and opened his eyes to look into his best friend’s face.

“Hyung...I’m sorry, I never meant--” Jongdae began, speaking faster now that he had Minseok’s attention on him now.

“How long?” The quiet cold in Minseok's voice felt so familiar. You knew this voice. This was Minseok trying to control himself, trying to control his temper and his emotions again. Jongdae’s rapid speech that had been so willing to explain the situation faltered and stuttered and you saw the clench in Minseok’s jaw before his eyes widened in anger.

“How long have you been fucking my sister Jongdae?”

“Hyung…”  
“Oppa...” Both Jongdae and Minhee spoke at the same time and you wondered how much more of this day you could take before you crawled out the back door and slunk back like an alley cat back to your house, away from these bombs that kept dropping around you.

“He’s good to me Oppa. He loves me and I've never once doubted it. Not once, not during the long tours, not when he's away for months...he comes back as good to me as when he left.” Minhee’s words sounded like the double-edged sword she meant them to be and you saw the wound they made into Minseok's chest.

He lifted a hand to cover his wound and you felt your own insides being ripped apart.

Someone else...someone in the exact same position as you and Minseok had been in had made it work.

And they had love, but unlike the love you and Minseok had for each other they also had the guts to dive in head first. Claiming the relationship despite the odds, they were the shining example of what you were not. They had won...and you had lost.

You felt something wet on your face and you lifted your hand to wipe the tears you felt there, washing down your face, the tears came in waves and you sniffled as you turned around.

You were done. Hadn't you been done with this mess already? Yet, again and again, you had been pulled back into it. Into him and his world and his mess and uncertainty. You were leaving now. Your feet were carrying you quickly toward the door to this home that was not your own despite how much love and comfort you felt within its solid oak doors.

Your hand reached for the knob only to feel the warm flesh of another hand in the spot where cold metal should have greeted you.

“D-Don't leave this... Please--” It was Minseok’s hand and Minseok’s trembling voice whispering in your ear that had stopped you.

The hand under yours had turned and he grabbed ahold of your hand, holding yours tight between both of his hands, but his voice sounded wrong. He sounded weak...a broken weakness that sounded so unlike him you had to see what was happening to warrant such a voice and when you looked up into those eyes you saw a raw desperation that didn't fit him at all.

This should have been the asshole who didn't care where you went or who you fucked as long as you opened the door for his two soft knocks at 2 am. Who was this person and where had he been for the last two years as your heart ached and bled for him to simply spend one fucking night with you, or introduce you to just one other person as the one he loved?

“Please don't leave like this...d-don't leave...me like this.”

Your words had failed and all you could do was stare ahead at the man.

“I’m sorry, I fucked up...I hurt you...I can see that now.”

From your peripheral vision you could see Jongdae’s face, eyes wide, mouth open and he watched with a face that told you he understood now why Minhee had called her brother a hypocrite.

“Minseok, I can’t,” you said.

You felt too broken. Your soul, too wounded to continue any of this, wanted peace and quiet. But his eyes looked so broken and vulnerable watching you, begging you not to go. Could you really do this? Could you leave once and for all and move on with your life? Could you find someone who could make you happy instead of constantly feeling unwanted and unloved?

He exhaled with your refusal and you felt him sinking lower. Gravity claimed him, knees banging hard against the hardwood floors, his hands gripped your own tighter, pulling against you with his descent.

“Please please baby...I-- I need you in my life, please don't do this.” His face twisted down and away from you, a quiet sniffling told you that he was crying. The wetness below his eyes adding evidence to the sight you had never before seen with your own eyes.

This pain...had this pain been inside of him this whole time? Had this man been capable of feeling this? The very thought of it hurt your soul. The desire to comfort him was stronger than any instinct you had in you and you knelt in front of him on the floor. Your movement had surprised him, making his eyes open back up as he looked at you. Their redness accented probably by the hangover he was silent as you moved and you felt his hands release their death grip he held you by.

You wiped at his face, removing those tears that had no place on that pretty face and his eyes blinked fast as he watched you in a sort of broken confusion.

His hands fisted themselves in his lap and you wrapped both arms around his shoulders pulling him into you. Perhaps if he knew that you didn't hate him...perhaps this would be easier.

“Please,” he whispered against your ear and he felt the soft head shake you gave him in response. He felt it against his cheek and registered it. You heard the hiccup in his chest, a quiet sob of defeat.

“I love you Minseok. I always will.” You said as you felt the crumbling of his shoulders. His hands that had lifted in hope had fallen and the slapped against his legs noisily when he fell back onto his butt and you pulled yourself up quickly. Before you looked back into that face and lost the forward momentum you had worked so hard to build up to.

The click of those big oak doors behind you brought you into the light of the world outside of that home.

The birds were singing their morning song.

You walked forward. Your legs moving themselves required no brain power and a child cried in the distance as people went about their day, oblivious to the earth-shattering pain you felt inside your chest that was trying to pull you inside out. Had your outside shell not been so tough you were sure you would implode on this very spot where you waited for the light to change.

\----------------------------------------------------

The next month was a dream.

You were vaguely aware of some things. Oblivious to others as you merely lived. You had no choice. You had a job and bills and responsibilities and if only you could go one day without seeing his face somewhere you might have fared better.

You didn't hear from Minseok. Minhee didn't mention him. And you couldn't bring yourself to ask after him.

Had he asked her about you?  
Was he curious? You were dying to know how he was doing. Did his own curiosity burn as badly as yours did?

You distracted yourself with Kim Kwangseok. Your blind date turned on again off again casual something special who was actually sweet to you. He was successful and charming and despite your gloomy attitude most of the time, he seemed to like you. At least that's what you could gather from the flowers you had just received at your office from him.

He was harmless and even a little bit fun. The card tucked inside brought a smile to your face. A cartoon kitty with a pun that made you groan at how much you liked it.  
 _I would say yes if you asked meowt._ The back of the card had two words written in his handwriting. _”Hint Hint”_. This man…

You pulled out your cell phone and keyed in a quick text message, asking him to meet you for drinks tonight at a bar close by.

_”Thank goodness you asked, I was getting thirsty.”_

The bar was quiet with plenty of dark corners to steal away with a date for some quiet conversation over overpriced drinks and you caught his height as he walked through the door a half an hour later than the time you told him to meet you... his eyes searching for your familiar face. You placed your pleasant smile on your lips and his own smile felt genuine yet apologetic as he found your eyes and made his way in long strides to the table you occupied in a corner.

You already had a drink your hand, not quite in the mood to draw this out tonight. A news story about CBX’s debut single flashed Kim Minseok’s face on one of those digital billboards outside and from your seat you caught it. It was on a loop it seemed and you had already seen the stringy green hair they had given him in the music video that gave him a somewhat sexy, yet greasy feel the more you looked at it.

You told yourself you wouldn't watch the new music video when you got home.

Kwangseok took the seat opposite of yours and you pulled your attention away from Minseok’s singing face flashing on the screen outside of the window.

Why had you picked this bar again?

The door opened and a hooded man walked in, heading toward the bar and Kwangseok was speaking to you.

“--late, court ran long…the judge--”you only half listened, as rude as it was your heart wasn't quite in it to listen to his court stories. You didn't understand most of the legal terms and you drifted as you looked around the room, finishing what was left of your drink in front of you with an apologetic smile. Perhaps you could smile your way through this date and get drunk enough to not care that the size and posture of that hooded man at the bar reminded you of someone who seemed to be everywhere.

“I hope you didn’t wait too long,” he added with his eyes down at your empty glass and the one next to it on the table.

“It's fine. I had something to occupy myself with while I waited.” The waitress was attentive and she caught your lifted eyebrows the second you made eye contact with her. She was at your side with a fresh drink right away before she turned to Kwangseok for his order.

Her smile and body language leaned into him and you watched as she smiled just a little wider, lingered just a little longer at his side and giggled at the polite joke he made about the drink’s menu. You knew he was attractive. You'd been struck with this fact the first time you met him and yet date after date with the man, you always found yourself with the same reservations. Not quite ready, not quite invested enough to fully commit to anything beyond the small kiss on the cheek he’d given you once. The kiss you stiffened at and pulled away, mumbling some excuse about having to feed your cat as you pushed him out of your doorway.

That small kiss had burned against your cheek. What was that feeling? It didn't feel good and the longer you lingered on it, the more you wanted to wash your face of its trace.

It felt wrong.

Yet the waitress clearly saw it. She side eyed you for a little while, probably taking in your standoffish posture and the way you downed the drinks quickly. Was it obvious to her too? You were still in love with someone else and this handsome perfect man in front of you was working too hard toward a goal that was never his to have.

By the time the third drink was down you felt warmth all over and a sudden shift inside you. Minseok's face still flashed behind his head and you had enough of that as you abruptly stood and moved across the table to sit in the booth next to him.

You saw his eyes widen at your sudden approach and his hand moved behind where you had plopped down, whether he did it on purpose or not, you found yourself up close next to him and his arm was awkwardly pinned behind you

His eyes were cautiously amused and you moved even closer to him, feeling the warmth of his thigh against yours as you pushed against him.

He didn't move though, except to move his arm down and around your shoulder.

Up close he really was handsome. He smelled great and he was tall. You actually had to look up into his face, unlike a certain somebody who needed to stop popping into your mind already.

“Why hello there,” he said quietly against your face, his voice in full-on flirt mode with your sudden burst of courage...or was it desperation? Either way, you were curious...about him and about yourself. Perhaps you needed a test. Something to see if any of this was even worth it.

“Kwangseok,” you whispered to him and you could see the bob of his throat as he swallowed.

“Hmm?” His hum was deep and resonated inside your chest with his proximity.

“Will you kiss me?”

He blinked once slowly as he watched your face and you felt the breath from his nose against your face as he leaned in without a single word of question or request for clarification from his lips.

His lips were soft. Of course, they were. The taste of his mouth was nice, and his tongue pushed in between your lips as he leaned in, giving in to the desire that must have been there for a while you felt the breath he inhaled into your parted lips and you returned his kiss lazily.

While it felt nice, physically... your mind winced and protested at the contact and after a few seconds, you turned your head, breaking the kiss abruptly.

You rotated, ready to bolt. Ready to leave this booth and this man’s lips that felt wrong with your heart in your throat and you felt a warm hand on your wrist. Not roughly, just lightly grasping you, Kwangseok held you still for a moment until you worked up the nerve to turn and face him.

“I’ll wait… You aren't ready, I know that. I can wait.” His voice was soft and pulled your eyes open to look into his.

How? How could he be so sweet and so understanding all the time? Wasn't he sick of your shit by now? It wasn't that you didn't like him. You honestly did. But this was fast for you and maybe just a little bit of time was really all you needed.

You lifted your hand to run along his cheek and he watched your eyes, steady as a pillar holding up a ceiling.

That pillar of strength pulled you into him like a magnet, drawn to the sweetness and pushed along by the alcohol you leaned in again, capturing his soft lips with your own.

He was steady this time, not pushing, not demanding or wanting he merely let you kiss his lips with a small smile when you pulled away from him.

“See, I can behave myself.” He wrinkled his nose with a cute pout on his lips and you laughed out loud, grateful for the emptiness of the bar around you and the few patrons to disturb with your laughter.

You excused yourself to the ladies room, feeling the effects of the drinks on your bladder.

With clean hands and a wardrobe check in the mirror, you exited and made your way through the hallway back to your own little dark corner as you watched the bar with the corner of your eye for that familiar feeling hooded man.

And you saw him, still hunched over an empty bottle in the corner but he was no longer alone. Next to him stood a tall man whose lips and laughter you had shared all night, Kwangseok motioned for you as you walked by with a bright smile on his face and you felt a chill of unease run down the back of your neck.

“Look at who I found,” sweet Kwangseok smiled wider and you saw that face again and again, the one haunting your dreams and replaying on all the TVs in the country.

“Minseok--” his name on your tongue felt like home. How long had it been since you'd said it out loud?

The blank controlled look on his face lasted for a whole second before you saw him shift and a bright friendly smile broke out across his lips. Crooked and gummy, his eyes unaffected by the smile of course, but he sure tried to sell it as best as he could.

“Hey...Attorney Kim said you were here.” Minseok sighed out into his empty bottle of beer in front of him and you noticed how he refused to say your name with his own lips. “L-Long time no see. How have you been?”

“I was just telling Minseok about us,” Kwangseok said in your direction and your face was frozen with your wide smile as you nodded in agreement to whatever the man was saying.

How had he been? You saw just the one beer bottle in front of him….was that really all he had to drink tonight? The clarity of his eyes made you think that was a possibility.

Had he been sleeping well?  
Had he rested enough after his schedules or was he hitting the gym obsessively like he tended to do to deal with stress?

Had he eaten?

You felt Kwangseok’s hand against the small of your back and he leaned in. Minseok's eyes followed every movement, “I’ll give you both a moment to catch up..excuse me a moment, Minseok it was so nice to see you again.” Kwangseok made his way to the back restrooms where you had just emerged from and you turned back to face this person…

This person..your person.

“Have you been well?” You said and you saw the tick in his eyebrow as he bit down on his lip lightly with a small shrug of his shoulders.

He didn't answer your question.

“You seem happy.” He said after a pause of silence and you saw him reaching for his wallet in his back pocket. A few bills tossed onto the counter in front of him and he was leaving. You knew the signs.

His hand lifted, nearly reaching for you, nearly reaching your shoulder but stopping short you felt the absence of contact harder than you would have felt the burning warmth of his hand.

“I hope you are….you know...happy. I really do.” His hand rested on his own chest instead and your eyes followed him as he left the bar, letting the door slam noisily as he left.

 

 

 

 

 

  
  



	7. Seven

  
Had you become desensitized to him now? You had been seeing his face all night. All month actually.

But seeing Minseok in person felt like a dream. Of all the places, in that stupid bar that you loved because of its dark quiet hidden corners and the proximity to your apartment and that damn smile of his.

So wide and so believable. And yours, just as wide and just as believable.

That beautiful smile replayed through your mind as Kwangseok returned to your side, suspiciously not mentioning Minseok’s name at all upon his return.

Did Kwangseok know? You'd expected him to ask and when he didn't, you felt annoyed for thinking up some believable lie for the man that you didn't end up using.

_He was called away for work._   
_He had to go to the gym._   
_He is in love with me and couldn't stand to see me with another man._

You faked a headache. Kwangseok was no longer surprised when you ran. He just smiled his sweet understanding smile that made you sink deeper into the dark pit of guilt you had been living in for some time now. You couldn't even see the light of the surface anymore. You'd been down here for so long now.

He didn't try and kiss you or even lean in for a small hug like he usually did when you parted ways after a date and you watched his back as he walked away, lifting his cell phone to his ear as he always did when he left you, on the sidewalk outside of the bar, knowing you would take a cab home as you always did.

And normally you would have.

Minseok's face flashed across the screen across the street. Stringy green hair and a strange outfit that fit whatever theme the music video was about.

You hadn't even had the chance to congratulate him on the debut. He had been a friend for so long, you knew more than anyone how hard he worked for this. Your mind flashed to the summer..that phone call with him when he told you about the subunit, and you remembered the elation in his voice. He was still winded from whatever physically demanding thing he had been doing and you could see the smile on his pretty face with the sound of his voice. The news brought a smile to your face and actually seeing the fruits of his labor in front of you now was bittersweet.

You wanted to congratulate him. Slap him across his back, tell him he did a good job, give him a hug and a kiss and jump up and down in excitement for him.

Perhaps it was the drinks in your belly, making their way to your brain, toward the part that knew better, but you found yourself holding your cell phone up to your ear with a ringing sounding out into your brain.

It rang and it rang and you felt a familiar sensation. The feeling that the number of rings had been too many now. His voicemail would be picking up and he would see the missed call from you. He would see that you hadn't left a voicemail. Would he know that you called him after drinking? Would he gather that much after seeing you at that bar, just two hours ago?

Where had he gone? Did he go home? Did he go to a different bar so he could have his drinks in peace without your face haunting him? Maybe he was working.

“Hello.” The gruff word said in his voice cut off your thoughts. He sounded winded. He was breathing very hard and the labored way his lungs gasped in and out for air caught you off guard as he answered the call just a second before his voicemail did. Whatever he had been doing had been very physically exerting. Which, for Kim Minseok, was saying a lot. The man was very fit and it took hours and hours of intense exercise for his breathing to sound like that.

“Why are you so out of breath? What were you doing?” You couldn't help the familiarity in your voice that snuck out. You had Minseok on the phone again and something about hearing his voice through the line threw you back into it.

Comfort. It felt comfortable to have him speaking into your ear. Or gasping for air into your ear.

“Running,” he breathed out and you heard a pained groan.

Running? You had interrupted his runs plenty of times and he never sounded like this.

“Why do you sound like that are you okay? You shouldn't overdo it Minseok, you'll hurt yourself.” You couldn't help the worry in your voice. Old habits and all...you always worried about him. It was so ingrained in you at this point you were powerless to fight it.

“Why did you call?” His breathing still sounded too hard but he gasped and eked out his question, ignoring the worry you knew he heard in your voice, this Minseok wanted you to get to the point so he could get back to killing himself on the treadmill, or the race track, or wherever it was he chose to run. Only part of you knew your concern was misplaced. He wasn't yours to worry over...yet you couldn't help it. Wasn't he still a friend? Weren't you allowed to worry about your friend?

“I--” you began, steadying your chest with your hand over your heart, feeling the stilly thump-thump thumping that you needed to get ahold of, “--I wanted to give you my congratulations.” You smiled into the phone, hoping your sincerity would shine through in your words and reach his ear.

You heard his heavy breathing. The sound of it was beginning to even out some, but only slightly.

He was quiet though, not responding to the words you knew he heard, nor accepting your sincerity and your smile faded the longer you listened to his silence.

“M-Minseok?” You called out to him, despite the obvious fact that you could hear his breathing on the line that told he was still there.

“I heard you, I’m just--” He cut you off quietly and you heard an exhale that sounded exasperated.

“--I’m at a loss for words...I don’t--” he exhaled hard against the line and the air rushing out of his lungs flew noisily across the mic of his phone, punctuating whatever mood you had interrupted. The mood that you were sure brought an edge to his voice.

“I’m trying to understand why you thought it was a good idea to call me right now.” The edge in his voice slid across your skin, making your face screw together in discomfort as it began to press down harder.

He was upset….but couldn't you call your friend? Hadn't you always called him when some good news about him filtered your way? You felt your temper flare, perhaps fueled by the alcohol in your system, perhaps it was your pride, but you lifted your chin as if he could even see you right now.

“What’s wrong with congratulating a friend on a job well done Minseok?”

You heard a laugh that had absolutely no traces of humor in it and he pulled the phone away from his mouth to growl away from the mouthpiece. His obvious frustrations made you frown your lips, feeling your mood sour the longer this went on. Why couldn't he just accept your good wishes? Was it really so wrong of you to call?

“What’s wrong?--” he was speaking again, his voice was much harder this time and you felt the fine hairs on the back of your neck stand up as a chill ran down your spine.

“--I just saw the woman I am in love with, out with another man...laughing with him...playing with him--”

“Kissing him in a dark corner of a bar and then she-- she is calling me to tell me congratulations?” The chill on your back had spread, bringing the heat as blood rushed your skin and your heart pounded noisily inside your chest, echoing loudly in your eardrums.

“Congratulations for what?” There was a trembling instability in his voice and you felt your mouth go dry as you tried to swallow again and again.

“You want to know why I sound like this? Do you want to know if I am okay? I'm not. I've been running as fast as I can for two solid hours, just so I can feel something other than this.”

“M-Minseok--” you whispered into the line, desperate to stop this pain you felt surging through your chest at his words.

“It hasn't worked. I still feel it. I can't feel my legs and I can hardly breathe.. but I still feel this.”

“I--” even if he had let you speak, you weren't sure you would have found any words to rival this pain you heard. You definitely felt your own pain surging up. Reminding you of all of it. The tears you cried yourself to sleep with after the day you left him on the floor of his home, begging you not to leave. You must have forgotten that pain for a moment...you must have lost your mind, thinking it was a good idea to call him tonight. Stupid drinks. Stupid flashing billboard across the street that put his beautiful face into your mind. The stupid false smile on his face as he greeted you that made you somehow forget all of this.

The pain rushed through your chest and you felt a stinging in your eyes as you looked at the bright screen.

“--but congratulations, right? Yeah. Thanks.”

An audible click on the line had you pulling your phone away in shock. The words on your screen indicated that the call had ended and you watched the phone time out and turn black.

The wetness that ran down your cheeks brought you back into yourself and you held onto the power button of your phone, turning it off before you could do anything else this stupid again tonight. You wiped away the tears from your face with flat warm palms and took several deep breaths.

You decided to walk it. You lived a few blocks away and some fresh air would clear your head. Or so you told yourself as his words replayed again in your head.

Your apartment was cold and dark and you rubbed roughly over your arms as you walked inside.

Had it always been this cold in here? Had it always felt this deserted and empty?

Even your cat felt the chill. She was curled up in a tight ball in a corner of the sofa and she didn't move when you walked through the door.

Is this why people got dogs instead of cats? You suddenly longed for someone...anyone who might be genuinely happy to see you walk through that door.

You shuffled through your home, feeling the effects of the sadness taking over, confounded by the alcohol you were sure. Halfway through your living room on the way to your bedroom, a soft knock on your door halted your steps.

Two soft knocks.

What time was it? Your clock said it was just after midnight and you pivoted on your feet, pulled toward the sound at your door.

Your head swam as you looked through the peephole and saw him. He wore the same black hood he wore at the bar. The smile was long gone and his face looked serious and severe. His eyes closed slowly and you saw his chest rise and fall with the deep breath he took.

Of course, you opened your door. Despite the pain, you felt in your heart from his words. Despite the loneliness and the sadness, you felt when you thought about his face. Despite the guilt, you felt in your gut for reopening the wounds that he had been trying to forget about enough so they could begin to heal.

You pulled the door open and peeked around the edge, gauging the mood he had brought with him. Would he be angry? Would he be here to yell at you for your mistakes again? Calling you a bad person for thinking you could ever be his friend again?

Hadn't you already made your choice that day that you left?

But… the idea made you sick to your stomach. The idea that this person who had been in your life for so long was no longer yours to have. No longer your friend, no longer the person who you wanted to call the second something good happened to you, or the second something bad happened to you.

Maybe your mind had been so clouded by the sadness that you forgot how nice it felt to hear his voice on the phone.

If this kept up...the two of you would be no more than strangers.

You didn't want to be a stranger to him.

His eyes met yours and you saw a look you might have recognized, had you seen it more than once or twice in your entire experience with Minseok. This wasn't anger. This was...something else, something more hopeless and abandoned. Forsaken and destroyed this was...regret.

He held his hands together at his waist with his phone clutched between his hands and his appearance was...wet. His hair was wet with sweat and his hood was dark in spots. His eyes were tired, sunken looking with dark circles below marring his prettiest feature and he looked too pale. Too exhausted and too spent.

“I’m sorry,” he said in a soft voice.

“You were trying...and I--” He rolled on his feet and you pulled the door open further as he stood there swaying like a tree during a hurricane.

“--I was throwing a fit like a little kid. I’m sorry.” He rocked again. Why was he swaying so much? The paleness of his skin leaped out at you again as you looked at his face. The sheen of sweat covering his skin made him shine in the moonlight coming in through your window.

When did he last sleep? When did he last eat? Why did he look so tired and so thin?

“Minseok are you….okay?” You hated that you had to ask that question because you knew the answer. He had already told you he wasn't okay, but you meant it in the more immediate sense. He looked like he was about to pass out.

His eyes looked back up into yours, up from where they had wandered as his thoughts swam frantically inside his head and you saw him focus on your face.

“God...you--” he puffed out a breath and swallowed as he looked at your face. “Your smile...so pretty, can't you smile like that for me? Why is it just for him? I miss you smiling at me like that. Won't you show me that smile just once?”

“Minseok come inside. You don't look right.” You reached for him, feeling his arms and the wet clothes he wore. You could smell his sweat, fresh and the under layers of a soapy scent that hid below the manly smell. He was still talking but his legs moved where you pulled him.

“I miss you...I miss my best friend that I could tell anything to. Why did you take that away from me? I feel...I feel like I can never come home again.”

He lifted a hand, clutching his cell phone tightly in a trembling hand and you pulled him into you, urging him through the door to the sofa where he could sit down, yet every word from his lips was like a gasp of smoke that burned your lungs going in. A sweet poison you wanted to breathe in deep even though you knew its effects would linger for far too long and make your thinking fuzzy.

“I...tried to call you back right away. I knew I was being an asshole again but you turned it off. Look--” His hands were moving over his screen, showing you something. Call after call made to a number, something saved in his phone with a single short word and his hand was shaking too hard for you to read what it said. You could only see the same word again and again in his call history.

When his hand finally settled you saw it.

One word repeated in that phone that made you stop the movement, stop the pulling at his hoodie as you tried to remove the soaked garment from his frame and you saw it.

_’Home’_

He had called ‘Home’ again and again...but surely it couldn't have been you.

Surely this man who you loved so dearly, and who was so deep into the denial of his feelings for you up until you'd finally had enough, surely he hadn't saved you in his phone like this.

_I feel like I can never go home again._

Had it always been this way? Since the beginning? Why didn't he ever tell you? Why didn't he ever tell you any of this?

Why did it take something so drastic to pull the truth from his own lips? His mouth was quieting down now and he watched you silently as you pulled the clothes off of him. You'd seen him naked plenty of times and you told yourself you were just taking care of him so he didn't pass out from exhaustion. You were his friend and you were doing what a true friend would do for another. He cooperated, moving his arms up when you pulled his shirt off and stepping out of his pants when you pushed them down.

“When did you eat last Minseok?”

He had gone quiet and the quiet persisted as he looked into your face. You were holding his clothes. His shirt, his hoodie, the sweatpants he wore. You held them in one arm and pulled his forearm with your other, bringing him further into your home toward the bedroom where you knew you had a change of clothes for him.

Bits of things collected through the years. Left behind as he made his hasty retreats, you held on to all of it. You handed him a stack of his own clean clothes. His hands lifted to grab the stack in silence.

“Take a shower while I make something to eat.”  
You were done asking him questions. He was too out of it to respond to any of it, but the orders he seemed to be okay with. You heard the shower running and you made sure the door stayed open so you could hear for any signs of distress.

You shower was quick and he stumbled out of your room dressed and looking more exhausted than when he went in. It must be hitting him now. You fed him, watching as he ate slowly, his eyes drooping and closing as he chewed carefully, probably not even aware of what he ate.

“Minseok, go lay down on my bed. You look like you're about to drop.” The effects of the alcohol were fading and you found your mind clearing. He wasn't moving but his eyes were open again, watching you with a blank expression on his face.

Why wasn't he moving? You knew he needed to sleep, and he knew it too. But he just sat there watching you.

“Will you come with me?” His question was nearly inaudible and the sadness behind his eyes watched you.

You considered, feeling the effects of the night hitting you hard now. It was late and you should sleep. A wave of drowsiness had been threatening since he got into the shower and now, watching his shoulders sag where he sat in a chair at your kitchen table and the half-lidded way his eyes kept track of you, you felt more tired than you had before.

“Come on,” you said. Relenting. Would you even get him to sleep without you? Did you want to?

As you walked by where he sat you held out your hand and his eyes looked at your open palm for a second before he lifted his own hand and placed it carefully inside of yours.

He felt warm. He smelled clean and his hair was wet and laid against his forehead. His face was still too pale and his eyes were too tired but in those eyes...was a different look. Peace. Not quite relief, you could still feel the edge in him. He was braced for whatever you said or did, but the sadness had abated some.

You pushed him toward your bed and he fell into it, slipping below the covers he pulled them up to his chin, looking more like a little boy than you had ever seen of him and his stubborn eyes refused to close.

He was watching you. Did he think you would leave him there alone? With as cold as you felt tonight? With as empty as your house was?

You walked to the other side and climbed in under the same covers and he rolled onto his side to face you.

The temperature under the covers was cool and you shivered as it touched the bare skin of your legs. Your sleep shorts were always too short and you should have worn long pants to sleep in tonight, but you were too tired now to care.

He didn't touch you right away and you weren't quite sure what you expected.

You rolled around, trying to find comfort in your own bed that you suddenly felt just a little bit crowded in, just a little bit...Minseok had never shared your bed for the night. Not for sleep. This wasn't a thing that he did, yet as you rolled you felt his hand with your own and you felt his fingers flex as you touched him. When you looked up into his face, after you couldn't stand it any longer you were surprised to find his eyes closed.

You shifted closer. His hand was warm and you felt the heat radiating off his body where he laid and when you moved you felt him move, shifting into you until you felt strong arms wrap around you and pull...into him. Into his warmth and into his peace.

This didn't feel frantic or even the least bit sexual. This was...new. You turned to let him hold you and you found it. The comfortable spot you had been searching, his body heat cascaded over your back and his legs moved over your own, feet tangled around yours, his toes curled over the top of your foot and you could smell him. How could you still smell him when he had just used your shampoo and soap in the shower? But it was there. Minseok. His manly smell that seeped through your hazy mind right into your dreams, pulling you down deeper and deeper until you no longer noticed that tingle against your heart. The one that told you your wound would bleed if you kept scratching at the fragile stitches like this.

Sometime in the early morning, before the sun was up and before the birds were singing, you woke up still in his arms.

When you opened your eyes they took a moment to adjust and your memory took another moment to bring you up to this moment...but this moment felt significant.

Kim Minseok was in your bed and you were securely held within his arms as he slept. You tried to sit up, trying to get free just a little so your mind could function just a little bit.

You shifted and you felt his arms tighten their hold, pulling you into his chest, his chest rose and fell and a groan sounded out from his throat.

Your stirring had made him stir as well and he protested, whatever he thought you were doing.

“No, don't go yet. I need more of you. Almost...it’s almost enough.” He was awake. The lucidity of his words told you that he wasn't sleep-talking but he had awoken when you did.

You gave in, too tired still, your resolve was too weakened from the sleep to resist him and you dropped and wrapped your own arms around him, snaking below his arms, around his waist.

You couldn't help it. He smelled too good and he felt too warm. It was cold out there. You felt a small lump at your feet that told you your cat had a similar idea. She was curled up just below where both of your feet tangled below the blanket, seeking out his warmth just as greedily as you did.

When you squeezed around him you felt his nose, his breath nuzzle into your neck, breathing in deeply, the smell of you. Did he feel it too? The need for closeness? How long had it been since you had smelled each other like this? Who knew such a thing could feel as desperate as the need to breathe, the need to eat, the need to feel the warmth of this human being.

You didn't have to get up yet. The longer you laid in his arms, the further away the plans of the day drifted and the further away your memory of what it was that you had been so mad at him about landed. With a distant thud somewhere on the horizon, it fell. You'd probably find it later. But right now, his hands were rubbing against your back and his arms were holding you as he breathed you in again and again until all of this drifted as you fell back asleep.

The second time you woke up you were alone.

Your bed was empty of both Minseok and your cat and you sat up quickly, wondering if he slipped out in the early morning. Well rested for once and ready to tackle his busy day. The sun was shining through the windows and you threw yourself back down onto your bed, not quite ready to get up and greet your empty apartment.

Just as your head reached your pillow you heard a noise somewhere in your home. A noise that should not have been happening if you really were alone here, but that noise coupled with the smell your nose caught a minute later told you this was real.

Someone was making coffee.

You heard a can opener and a faint meow and your feet were on the floor in an instant.

You stood, dumbfounded at your bedroom door, watching the Minseok in your kitchen. Opening your fridge, using your faucet, making coffee, feeding your cat as she wrapped around his ankles and he moved slowly through the kitchen to throw the lid of the can into the trash can and not step on the hungry animal who instantly loved him once he had opened the can. She only had eyes for the one holding the cans.

Minseok was in your kitchen.

He didn't leave. He was here and he was real and you could smell the coffee with your very own nose and when he heard your steps his face shot up, lips parted, eyes wide and surprised for a second...or two. Perhaps three whole seconds he stared at you watching him in your kitchen and you stared at him, watching you.

“Good morning,” his voice was soft with just a hint of a smile hidden somewhere below the uncertainty you knew you heard there.

“I am making breakfast,” he said and you had an urge to rush back to the bed to finish sleeping because you were obviously dreaming right now. This wasn't real. There was no way Minseok was in your kitchen, bending at the waist to casually run his hand down the length of your cat from head to tail before he lifted the spatula in his other hand to flip something in the pan at the stove.

It smelled good. The coffee smelled good. He looked good in your home...and in your life.

The food was served and you stared at the spirit who had taken over Kim Minseok’s body who sat down across from you at your small kitchen table. His blonde hair was unstyled, laying flat on his head and he drank his coffee with his eyes shifting around the room, not quite meeting narrowing eyes.  
  
Why did you feel so...blindsided by this? You'd shared meals with him before. Never in your home at sunrise, but… hadn't you eaten with him alone before? You racked your brain and came up short. All of the meals you had with him had been with his family. In his home with his hand slipping up your thigh as his mother served the potatoes.

Or at a restaurant or cafe. You had those with him.

The intimacy of this meal had its own aroma and you lifted the eggs to your mouth to eat the very first meal this man had cooked for you in two years of this strange relationship with its strict rules. You chewed as you shrugged, deciding that the sandwich he made you the day you first slept with him counted as a meal shared, even if you didn't get to finish it.

“I’m sorry,” he said suddenly, through bites of eggs. “That we never did this before...I thought at the time that it was somehow for the best.”  
  
You put your fork down for that one. Was he doing this now? Getting out his confessions and apologies once and for all. For all the rules and for all the hurt feelings and wounded egos that results from those rules.

You opened your mouth, hoping some words might find their way out of your lips but nothing happened.

“I thought, like an idiot... that maybe If I acted like that...like an asshole that maybe it would go away and you wouldn't get hurt.” His fork was abandoned as he clung to his coffee mug like a lifeline, holding it in front of his chin as he spoke. His eyes not quite reaching yours as he spoke the honest truth. The reasons behind his actions that hurt you so.

“D-Do you think that maybe...you can forgive me? I can’t stand the idea of losing my best friend. I tried it...I tried it for the month that I ignored you and I couldn't do it sober--” he took another sip of his coffee, forcing himself to drink his prop that he held on to so desperately. His eyes looked up into your wide surprised ones once before he looked back down at the table in front of him.

“And this last month well...I--” you heard a deep breath that sounded out over the mug, accentuated by the cup, you heard the echo of it. “I don’t think I can live without you at least as my friend.”

You felt lightheaded and realized that you hadn't been breathing at all during his apology. You took a deep breath and reached for the glass of water he had brought you with a fucking multivitamin from your kitchen counter. You noticed he took one too even though it clearly said the word _women_ on the bottle. He merely shrugged as he shook one out for himself.

The water went down cold and you tried not to cough as you swallowed. His eyes were on you as you drank, clearly waiting for some response to his question.

“Of course we can be friends Minseok. I never once thought that you weren’t my friend.” You nodded as casually as you could, feeling some bit of relief at having the lines of communication with him open again. The relief was overwhelming actually and the longer you basked in it, the more you felt the warmth of the sunlight shining through your windows, warming your once empty and cold home. You smiled a small smile and you watched as his eyes ticked down to your mouth before he smiled in response.

The exhale from his chest that came after that smile sounded more like the first refreshing ‘ahh’ after a deep drink of water for a man who had been dying of thirst. His smile widened and he put his cup down to lightly rub his palms over his face, hiding the widening smile you saw on his pretty lips.

After breakfast, you began to wonder how long he planned on staying in your home...in the light of day. Without a single bottle of soju in sight. He was at the kitchen sink again, washing the dishes and pans he had used for breakfast and you found yourself drawn to him. When you leaned against the kitchen counter with your hands over your chest, not quite comfortable letting him do all this work alone, yet unsure of how much he actually wanted your help.

You started with handing him dishes to be washed and graduated to grabbing the newly cleaned dishes to dry with a towel, all the while catching the side glances he shot at you that felt a lot like the shy Minseok who first showed his interest in you.

When all of the dishes were dried you hung the towel on the hook behind you on the fridge and when you turned around you caught his eyes for a second before he leaned in, reaching past your shoulder to grab the towel for his wet hands.

“Oh, sorry I--”

You felt the warmth of his arm as he reached around you for the towel and he smelled like Minseok. Something had stopped him because he stalled for a moment before he pulled it back.

The proximity of him was very suddenly overwhelming in an instant and your eyes watched his profile for as you absorbed the feeling of him. His eyes looked beyond you, but the sharp inhale of breath he took through his nose told you something. He was as aware of you as you were of him and the clench you saw in his jaw told you that maybe this wasn't the greatest test for this brand new friendship of yours.

When he licked his lips and turned his head a fraction of a tick in your direction you froze and held your breath. When his eyes followed suit, the earth stopped spinning and you felt positively captured by those eyes.

He looked into your eyes for what felt like days, months or years and his fingers did something behind you as he tugged at the towel he sought out. He was just here to dry his hands.

The deep sigh you heard as he took a step backward signaled the onslaught of reality.

“So how are things with--” he paused for a second, trying to recall the name. Whether for show or because he genuinely blanked on Kwangseok’s name you weren't sure but you came to his rescue either way.

“Kwangseok,” you supplied and you swore you saw a flash in his eyes. Something primal hidden just below the surface that he tried to keep well hidden.

“I couldn't help but notice how...close you two seemed.” He did well to keep any inappropriate tones from his voice. Minseok was a good sport. He wasn't taking it personally to see you moving on. What best friend would?

He took another step back. It was a testament to how well you knew the man that you caught it. Minseok was working so hard on not being obvious, that the obviousness of it all was practically screaming out at you.

“Kwangseok is nice to me,” you said and his eyebrows stayed completely level on his forehead. Not a hint of annoyance anywhere on his countenance.

“He likes me.” You added as an afterthought and Minseok grabbed the handle to the broom he had found in your closet. Why was this man suddenly dead set on cleaning your home?

“And you?” He pushed the broom around, capturing a few stray strands of cat hair and a piece of cat food from near his feet.

“Have you--” he cleared his throat suddenly and you saw a bit of color on the tips of his ears, “--y-you know…”

You knew without a doubt what he was asking. But you would be damned if you would let him had any juicy details of your sex life without outright asking you for them.

“Have I what, Minseok. What are you asking me?”

Okay so maybe your voice came out just a little sassier than you intended, but the man had a way of asking you non-questions to absolve himself from actually being the one responsible for asking the question. If he wanted this, he would have to say it with his own two lips.

“I'm just...curious. As a friend … you know?” He defended as he stepped closer to where you stood to watch him push a single piece of cat food around your floor with your broom.

You bent down and picked up the piece of cat foot from the floor and his eyes followed you around as you threw it into the trash can. You reached for the broom feeling the resistance in him to release the thing and when you tugged harder he tugged back, catching you by surprise you stumbled into his chest with your hands outstretched to keep from falling.

You yelped in surprise as you fell into him and the broom fell, clattering noisily to the floor as his arms swing around you. Capturing you within his arms, his hands flat against your back, you felt the firm muscles of his chest below your hands and your fingers flexed.

Had he always been this warm? Had his arms around you always felt this tight and strong?

They must have because the familiarity of this hit you hard. You looked into his face and he watched you too closely. Seeing way too much of the truth in the way you looked into his eyes.

You caught the swallow in his neck and your eyes moved up to dwell along his lips.

“Do you know what I missed most about you?” His lips moved and he spoke in a whisper that you felt deep inside your chest.

“Hmm?” His arms further tightened around you, pulling you into him. The small space that existed between your bodies disappeared and you felt the warmth of his chest against your breasts and your belly.

“The way you taste.” His focus was on your lips now and you felt the unmistakable pull into him. The pull that had nothing to do with his strong arms and seemed to originate from deeper within your bodies.

It always was too strong between the two of you.

Would you let this happen? Were you ready to fall back into this...love?

A knock on your door saved you both from having to make a choice.

The knock broke the spell, three raps against the wood that were the soundtrack to the three steps back that you took, out of his arms and away from those lips that threatened to consume you again.

You felt dazed and the knock sounded once more. Minseok was moving and he stood at the door peering through the peephole by the time your legs started working again.

He stiffened and took a step away from the door, not stopping with a single step he was walking away from the door as if it was on fire he swiftly moved past you fleeing from whatever it was that stood on the other side.

“It's your boyfriend” he whispered harshly into your ear as he made his way by and you looked wide-eyed at your closed door once before turning back to face the man who made his way deeper into your home as if he was looking for somewhere to hide.

“He's not my boyfriend--” your words were cut off by the sound of your door code beeping out and the door swung open.

Kwangseok stepped through the door slowly, holding two cups of coffee in a to-go container, his head peeking through the opening as he made his way inside with a sheepish smile that appeared as soon as he saw your face.

Your face surely held onto your shocked expression and it was only a second before Kwangseok looked up and beyond where you stood. His smile fell slowly as his brain caught up with the situation he saw before him.

“Well if he isn't your boyfriend, why does he know your door code?” Minseok said definitely out loud and with his voice definitely full of all the jealousy and hostility you knew he had in him all along and you prayed that possibly, just maybe the earth might open up and swallow you whole.

 

 

 

 

 


	8. Eight

  
“Ahh,” you saw the pink in Kwangseok’s cheeks as he looked beyond you at Minseok, processing the words he heard as he came through the door before looking back into your face with a tiny grimace on his handsome face.

“Have I made a mistake? It’s just--” He rubbed his hand over his neck and looked at his feet. His shoes were left behind at the door out of habit, “--you told me last night to just come in.”

“I didn’t realize there would be company. I would have brought more coffee.” The smile on his face was tense. You saw clench of his jaw and heard the throat clearing from behind you where Minseok stood silent and motionless, probably thinking of some remark to fill in the building awkward silence that slowly settled over your head. 

This was your part. You were supposed to speak now, yet you found your tongue uncooperative and impotent inside your mouth as your mind ran away with the memories. Last night….when you and Kwangseok had been laughing and giggling in that darkened corner of the bar and the drinks had flown through your bloodstream, bringing your flirting and frenzied laughter along as his eyes watched your lips move. 

This was before. 

Before the phantom of your love brought Minseok into existence into that very bar. This was when you were well lost in the illusion of having a fun night out with your….something special. What was he? Kwangseok wasn't your boyfriend, as Minseok so pointedly called him as he ran away from the knocking door moments earlier.  Yet the longer your memory played in your mind, the more you felt something. A sort of guilt, a sort of confusion, definitely the memory of Kwangseok’s lips on yours and the taste of his breath against your tongue. The memory of that broke through the haze of last night’s alcohol.

And your words as he ordered yet another drink, placing it in front of you at the table. 

“Will you bring me coffee tomorrow for the hangover I will have?” 

His shy smile was adorable even through the fuzzy memory. Yet in that smile, you caught a flash of something. Disappointment maybe. Perhaps he had read into your words. Knowing you were definitely not inviting him home for the night, but would see him first thing in the morning instead. 

And here he stood, holding two piping hot coffees from the cafe on the corner and a small bag with what smelled like sweet bread of some type. Perhaps those fish-shaped buns from the old woman outside of your building. He knew you liked them, and Kwangseok had proven to be attentive and considerate in the short time you had gotten to know him. 

A jolt inside of you made your lungs gasp in for the air you needed to speak and your mind scrambled for an excuse.

“Ahh, Minseok just stopped by after his morning run...to catch up. Last night in the bar was the first we had even spoken to each other in...h-how long was it?” When you turned to face Minseok, your eyes pleading with him to go along with your blatant lie, his eyes pulled themselves away from the taller man who used up a third of the oxygen inside of your apartment and he looked right into your lying face.

“A month.” You heard Minseok’s response, his voice quiet and believable. His face was blank and completely empty of any emotional reaction. His lips pulled into a tiny smile. Eyes void of any humanity and you recognized the expression. This was Xiumin now. The professional who reacted and performed as he was told when it was needed and when you turned to look back at Kwangseok you saw the way his shoulders relaxed, his jaw unclenched and he made his way further into your apartment to set the coffee and bread down on the table in your dining room. 

“A whole month?” Kwangseok’s surprised voice reached your ears again and you inhaled a breath and nodded with an awkward smile. 

“Yeah, not even a phone call.” Minseok leaned with outstretched arms onto your kitchen counter, his head hung down between his shoulders and you could hear the false layer under his voice cracking a bit. His eyes were down on your granite countertop and the flex in the muscles of his arms told you just how tense he was. 

“He really does get busy.” You added softly and Kwangseok glanced between the two of you slowly, probably gauging the truthfulness of your words. 

You didn't blame him one bit. Everything about this situation looked bad. He'd walked into your apartment unannounced, even though now you clearly remember scrawling your door code onto the palm of his hand with the pen you found inside his coat pocket. He'd laughed and accused you of frisking him and the intimacy made your face feel hot and flushed. Or maybe it was the look in his eyes as you had done it. 

And once inside, with his promised coffee and good intentions, he finds another man inside of your home. Both of you trapped and stuck, looking guilty as you struggled to come up with a believable reason why Minseok would be here so early in the morning, other than the obvious. 

He spent the night with you...holding you tight against his firm body as he slept and woke up with your legs still tangled within his own, the smell of your hair fresh in his nose and his body heat leaving a print on your skin that lingered for hours. 

Did Kwangseok believe it though? His words were telling you that he did but the weird staredown he seemed to be having with Minseok was bringing a tense air into the room. 

“Well then...I suppose the gentlemanly thing to do would be to leave you two to catch up.” Kwangseok shrugged into the empty space over your dining table and you slowly released the breath you had been holding without being too obvious that you had been holding it. 

“No that’s not necessary,” Minseok lifted his head, sprung back to life suddenly you saw him moving around the counter, closer to where Kwangseok deliberated, and the taller man waved his hands in defeat. 

“No, it's really fine. I’ve had her all to myself this whole month,” Minseok swallowed hard and his feet stopped moving. He reached an arm out to steady himself on the counter and Kwangseok continued, “It’s only natural for old friends to want to catch up after so long. Especially when one of them might be moving on toward a new stage in her life.”

The breath you had been slowly releasing got stuck and caught in your throat and you coughed once, gasping a bit on your side of the dining room. You felt Kwangseok’s arm run along your shoulder, patting you lightly on your back. 

“You two go ahead and catch up,” Your eyes were wide on his and even though you saw the sweet smile you had grown so fond of on his face, his eyes had a different hardness in them that you hadn't seen before. You nodded your head once, settling out whatever it was that was happening on your own face and forcing a smile onto your lips. 

“Please, enjoy the coffee Minseok.” He motioned with an arm toward the drinks on the table and Minseok's frozen expression did not budge beyond the slow way he licked his bottom lip and bit down hard. His cheeks were pinker than usual and you were sure you had a similar coloring on your own face, based on the heat you felt at the back of your neck. 

That heat was joined by Kwangseok’s hand as he moved the comforting patting up higher and you felt his fingertips run along your skin, making your eyes shoot to the soft brown eyes of the man who stood in front of you. 

He watched your face for a moment, eyes roaming over your expression, most likely taking in the burning in your face and the heat you were sure he felt under his hand at the back of your neck. 

“You’ll call me later right--” He whispered into the space between your faces and you closed your eyes once, trying to push the vision of Minseok out of your mind. Minseok who was surely watching this with the vision of a hawk. Minseok who was feeling whatever pain he was feeling from having to take part in this fucked up situation you had somehow let happen, “--when you are done with this?” 

Kwangseok tilted his head, further blocking your view of the man who stood behind him and your gaze fell right into his eyes. 

“Of course Kwangseok,” you assured him as well as yourself and you felt him lean into you. You felt the warmth of his cheek as he closed the distance and his warm breath lingered on your neck. 

“Thank you, beautiful,” He said into your ear, loud enough to be heard from across the room and you felt the softness of his lips press up against your skin. Molding into the softness of your cheek as he kissed your face, moving too slowly for this situation. Your heart raged and clawed inside your chest with the kiss and you closed your eyes, wishing Minseok didn't have to be here for this. 

The warmth of his skin vanished while your eyes were still closed and you heard the footsteps of his retreat. You heard the door close and your mind swam as the heavily suffocating silence settled inside your chest, swelling up and coating your ears, your tongue, and your resolve with dread. 

What would you find when you opened your eyes? Couldn’t you just keep your eyes closed forever and perhaps...not face the man who remained inside your home, probably watching you with those piercing eyes, waiting for you to build up the courage to face finally face him? 

The groan did it. Soft and pained from across the room in a voice you knew, you opened your eyes to find Minseok leaning heavy against the wall of your kitchen. Having fallen backward and given into the gravity that pulled at his body he groaned out and hung his head. Eyelids closing down he rubbed both hands over his face slowly and firmly, rubbing over his closed eyes. Cleansing his vision of the small bit of affection he had witnessed. Your guilt pulsed with your heartbeat.

He didn't nt speak. He didn't move and he didn't look at you for what felt like ages and when he finally moved you flinched from surprise. He moved quickly, dropping his hands to his side and taking three large strides in your direction. Closing the distance between where the image of him leaning against that wall burned a negative into the backs of your retinas and where you had stood watching and waiting for his reaction. 

You expected him to be upset. 

You half expected him to yell at you for bringing him along for this ride of lies, or possibly turn and leave without saying a word but what he did made your eyes widen and you inhaled a sharp breath of surprise. 

Minseok reached the table where the coffee and bread sat and he reached for one of the cups, quickly removing the lid he lifted the cup up to his lips, ignored the warning rise of steady steam telling him it might be too hot to drink, he took a long sip of the coffee, forcing the scalding hot liquid down his throat with a noisy swallow. 

You heard a gasp that had a tremble deep inside and the shaking in the cup gave away the dangerous mood you saw brewing deep within his rapidly blinking eyes.

“Minseok--” you called out his name softly and you saw him lift the cup again, forcing another swallow that you were sure he didn't taste one bit as he gulped.

“--Minseok stop--”

“Why?” He said gruffly, his eyes still refusing to look up into yours and you reached for the paper cup he held in his hand. 

He moved suddenly, pulling the cup away from your reaching hand and you saw the hot liquid slosh over the edge of the cup and dribble over the back of his hand. Your worried eyes watched his face for signs of pain but saw nothing but the steely look he shot back at you for interfering in whatever he had decided must be done with this fucking coffee.

“He told me to enjoy it. Enjoy his coffee. Enjoy his breakfast. Enjoy that fucking bed I slept in last night with--” The stab was so quick you nearly didn't feel it until it began to set in. You felt the sensation creep up the back of your throat and you swallowed roughly at your guilt. Minseok didn't finish his sentence but you knew the word he suddenly choked back with another quick drink of the coffee. 

_You._   
_The bed I slept in last night with you._

“Isn't this what you wanted? For me to be your accomplice? Or would you care to share with me why you felt the need to lie about what happened between us last night.” You looked at his hand again and saw the redness growing where the coffee had burned him and you caught a change in his posture as his shoulders sagged. Much of his anger and bravado caving with the bitter words he shot out at you. 

You took the chance and reached for the cup, prying it out of his hand. He didn't try to resist this time and you held the cup in your hand that he also held in his own hand. 

“I’m sorry, I panicked,” you admitted and you felt the burden of his eyes as he watched your face too closely. 

When he let go of the cup, most of his anger seemed to have dissipated and you saw the return of the same forlorn look you had seen in his eyes last night. The same look you saw flash through his expression again and again as he looked at you during breakfast that morning, hidden well beneath friendly casual smiles and friendly gestures. 

His eyes glanced down at the cup as he let go of it and you pulled it fully into your grip, feeling the heat of the liquid well through the thin paper, you looked down at the red on his hand with worried eyes. 

“Minseok, your hand--”

“He wrote something there for you,” Minseok spoke up louder than you and interrupted your worries as you looked down at the cup in your hand. 

Scrawled in permanent marker you read your name and below it, a message.

_’I like you a latte.’_

The silly pun felt like Kwangseok’s usual style and your stomach churned as you looked back up into Minseok’s face. 

“B-But Minseok...what happened last night, that was--” Your mind felt too jumbled for this kind of conversation suddenly and your stupid heart pumped too loudly inside your ears as you tried to figure out exactly how you felt, how he felt about the very real, yet very terrifying intimacy you were sure took place in that bed last night. 

Intimacy without even the hint of sex. 

The room was so quiet you were sure he could hear your pulse if he listened hard enough.

“--t-that was nothing,” you eked out through the flush on your face and you heard the thundering silence the filled the room you occupied with him.

You were sure it had been nothing… right? It had to have been nothing. He had just been exhausted and you had had too much to drink and the combination had weakened his stone-like resolve and you...well you had always been weak to Kim Minseok. 

“Nothing,” he whispered under his breath and immediately took in a gasping draw into his lungs, peppering out a quiet scoff. A humorless laugh that had you shaking your head instantly. 

Had you been wrong again? 

He reached his hands forward onto your table and leaned against it, bracing on the sturdy piece of oak furniture that complemented the color of your kitchen cabinets and Minseok’s blonde hair alike. 

“Minseok,” your voice pleaded and his eyes opened to meet yours. Incredulous and unsatisfied, those eyes stared at you with his lips parted and the tip of his tongue running along the fleshy part of his bottom lip. 

“I didn't mean _nothing_ nothing--” your words scrambled from your lips quickly, backtracking like a coward you tried to clean up this mess before yet another stain set in, “--I just meant...we didn’t really … _do_ anything that would be considered--”

“If you think that was nothing then you must not know me as well as I thought you did.”

A weird panic welled up inside of you, the more you heard from him. The hurt beneath the words screamed at you and you shook your head in earnest now. He couldn't think that. 

“You know I don't mean it like that Minnie,” you insisted as you reached for his hand. The one you knew he had burned when the coffee spilled and your touch made him jump and wince. 

“You hurt yourself,” you whispered. Concern for his well being was a constant in your life regardless of how confused you remained about the status of your relationship with him and he looked down at his hand in genuine surprise to feel the pain that came with your touch. 

You pushed against his shoulders, surprised at how easily he moved under your palms and he turned as you steered him into your kitchen. An empty barstool readily accepted him and he sat in a daze at the counter watching you move around your kitchen. 

“Did you...did you like it?” His voice was quiet and he cleared his throat nervously after he spoke. Clearly uncomfortable with the words he had forced himself to say. 

“Yes,” your honest answer was easier to say with your head buried inside the drawer inside of your walk-in pantry and you kept your eyes down on the first aid kit you pretended to be looking through. 

“It was nice.” The burn ointment laid easily right on the top but you needed a bit of a crutch. The red medical supply pouch would have to do. 

A movement from him flashed in your peripheral and you looked up and turned to see him walking and coming closer to you, his eyes focused on where you stood hiding on the other side of the open pantry door.

Your hand gripped the pantry door only to feel it swing open as he reached for it, closing in on your hiding space and exposing you as just as big of a coward as you always knew you were. 

“What kind of nice?” His quiet voice bounced against your face and he took another step, moving even closer to you and your mind wandered through the many questions you had for this man as your eyes wandered over the smoothness of his beautifully familiar face. 

“Why did you go along with it? Why didn't you tell Kwangseok the truth?” You had to ask. Your curiosity was burning at this point. If he had been so offended at being involved in your lie then why didn't he just tell the truth right away and ruin everything you had, with Kwangseok...whatever it was.

His hand was moving. The one not holding on to the door raised and your eyes followed its movement until your eyes went crossed and you felt his fingertips running lightly along your chin, along your jawline to your earlobe. His eyes flitted around with a disconnected look in their sharp angles and you tried your hardest not to close your own eyes at his touch. 

“I think,” he began speaking as his fingertips turned and made their trail downward again, “that I would go along with anything you said...as long as--” 

The light pressure of his thumb ran along the outline of your bottom lip and his eyes watched his own thumb. You found breathing difficult when his eyes pulled upward slowly, looking straight into your own surprised ones. 

“--I'd do anything not to see that hurt in your eyes again. I don't want to ever see that look because of something I did. Not ever again.” 

His words felt significant, but there was a spell being cast from those eyes of his. The warmth that spread through your chest felt like a salve, soothing the years of hurt you always felt when thinking about Minseok. By no means healing it entirely but you felt something soothing in this. 

It felt genuine and despite his close proximity to you he wasn't leaning, he wasn't pushing you to believe him or to respond with acceptance or forgiveness for any of it. You could see the vulnerability in his eyes as he watched you and his hand moved to cup your cheek softly. Gentle and light against your skin you could feel his warm breath against your face with the closeness of which he lingered in front of you, having moved well inside your hiding space inside the pantry. He had come to you this time. 

When he licked his lips and bit down lightly on his upper lip, before releasing it and doing the same to his bottom lip, your focus was pulled. That pouty mouth that naturally turned down at the corners danced through your vision until he settled and stilled with his lips parted and his wife teeth peeking out from just behind. 

Before the latest crisis with Kwangseok, Minseok confessed that he missed the way you tasted and if you were being completely honest with yourself you missed his taste as well. You loved this man but you also craved everything about him. Including the flavor of his breath.

You must have leaned because the feeling of your lips cascading over his parted ones flipped a switch inside of your belly, sending a feeling of warmth flooding through your abdomen and lower. You felt the flush of your skin and you heard the thrumming of your own heartbeat in your eardrums and when his lips parted further, pulling your tongue inside of his mouth the sound at the back of your throat surprised you. 

Minseok kissed you back. His hands moved from your cheek to thread fingers into your hair at the back of your neck and another arm slipped around your waist and squeezed tight as you slinked your own arms around his waist, running your palms up his back. 

Your brain told you that you needed to breathe but he was kissing you back with a slow tenderness you hadn't expected. It felt different, yet as familiar as breathing in and out or walking on your own two legs. 

He was the one to break the kiss first and the deep gasp for air you heard him take mirrored your own deep breath. With his arms still holding your body firmly you felt the weight of his forehead rest against your own and his lips, still wet from your mouth pressed lightly against the tip of your nose, once, twice, a third time and the appreciative hum from him vibrated against your chest that rested firmly against his.

“I may be rusty on the whole ‘just friends’ thing but I don't think friends kiss each other the way you just kissed me.” 

He was right. You swallowed away the bitter knowledge of that fact and you tasted something on your tongue. Something just a bit off about the kiss and your mind focused and cleared as you realized what that taste was.

Vanilla Latte. The drink Kwangseok had bought for you that Minseok drank moments earlier.

Kwangseok. 

Minseok had been silent for a while until he relaxed his hold on you and took a step back. 

“Umm--” he said quietly, with his eyes shifting back and forth, “enjoying his coffee is one thing, but I doubt this is what he expected when he left us alone together Baby.” 

Minseok’s mind had wandered in much of the same direction as yours had and his hands ran through his hair with a low groan of frustration. 

It was your own fault though. You had kissed him. You had forgotten that you told Kwangseok to come over for breakfast last night when you were too drunk to know better. You were the one that climbed into that bed with Minseok and gave in to the intimacy you had been craving from him all along and now, you could feel something stiff pressing against your thigh in the close confines of this stupid kitchen pantry. 

“I'm sorry Minnie,” you said, although you didn't really feel sorry for what you had done. Not with the heat between his legs resting against you the way it was. 

He took another step back and his warmth vanished. Your bottom lip stuck out further with his absence and his eyes glanced down at your mouth. 

“Where are you going?” You whined and he laughed once. 

“I don't know where I'm going but I'm going. You--” He backed up again and you caught the way he pulled at the waistband of his sweatpants, adjusting himself inside his underwear. “--you really are unfair sometimes.” 

You knew he was right. You were, again and again, too weak when it came to Minseok.

“Stop looking at me like that. You know we can't do this.” 

Had you been pouting more? You bit down on your lip to stop it from happening. 

Minseok had gone silent again. His arms over his own chest as he leaned against the counter, well away from you and the space you stood and tempted him from. He was watching you with a look on his face that told you he was working up to something. You could practically see the words dancing on the tip of his tongue when he opened his mouth and licked his lips again. He reached up to wipe his own mouth with his fingertips but his eyes were on you. His fingers moved too slowly along his bottom lip.

“You're going to have to do this. I don't trust myself anymore, it has to be you.” He was breathing heavily as he watched you and you shook your head, not quite sure of what he meant.

“What?” 

“Tell me what to do...tell me what you want. I'll do anything. You want me to be your friend just, tell me that. But this…” he pulled his finger away from his face and pointed toward the pantry through the open door, “--this kinda thing makes me want to--” 

He cut himself off with a deep breath before he continued. “--makes me want to enjoy fucking his woman too.” 

You closed your eyes and dropped your head. The temptation was too much but the aftertaste of that coffee sat heavy on the back of your tongue. Despite the fact that you and Kwangseok had never set any parameters for your relationship, the truth was that you had been seeing him for a month. You knew he liked you. Honestly, you liked him too. He was nice. He doted on you and showed you the kind of affection you had always wanted and he treated you with respect and trust. 

He didn't deserve this. And you probably didn't deserve his blind affection. Not with how you had been behaving around Minseok all morning. 

Not that it was fair to Minseok either. The man was clearly affected by you and you knew better than to kiss him like that. 

The longer you stood with your eyes closed and your thoughts and guilt bouncing around your heard the more the spell drifted and faded and you heard Minseok hum as he seemed to realize what you were doing. 

“Sorry. That was … just my dick talking, I'll behave now.” A beeping was sounding out and Minseok pulled his cellphone out of his back pocket, silencing the device. 

“Work?” You knew the usual signs as he screwed his eyebrows together and scrolled through something on his screen. 

“Mhmm,” he hummed, “I have to go.” His nose scrunched up and he made a face complete with an adorable frown and wide eyes. He was purposefully acting cute now, to settle the tense mood that had developed between you both with the kiss. 

You nodded, understanding that his job would always come first. It was something that you accepted years ago. He was EXO’s Xiumin before he was your Minseok and you hadn't once ever tried to fight it. 

He was halfway to the door when he paused and half turned back to face you. Of course you had followed him as he exited, reluctant to see him leaving after having had him for so long...the whole night, something that had never happened before and your heart longed for it to happen again and again while your brain screamed that he wasn't your boyfriend and you should stop dreaming of such silly unobtainable things and be thankful that you had found another man who might possibly be more available to love you the way you'd always wanted to be loved.

“Hey there's this…” he reached for you absentmindedly as he talked and you felt his fingertips tracing along your open palm. Did he know he was touching your hand? Did he know how hard your heart pounded when he touched your hand absentmindedly like this? 

“Chanyeol is throwing this early Halloween party this Saturday. It's just us and our closest friends and it would be great if you came.” His brows were lifted and his face sweet and hopeful. The sight made you smile and nod your head twice.

“Yeah? You'll come?” He said with a widening crooked smile on his face. 

“Yeah, I'll come.” Why did you feel so giddy all of a sudden? Like your high school crush had just asked you out in a date and your smile took over your face, threatening to give away just how excited you were at the idea of finally hanging out with Minseok at his place, with his friends and group mates, actually in his world for once instead of hidden away inside this apartment with him doing secret and naughty things you didn't feel comfortable even telling your best friend Minhee about. 

“You have to dress up to come.” His face had taken on a beautiful brightness that he was working just as hard as you to conceal and his hand linked his fingers between yours. 

He was stalling and you couldn't keep your eyes off his face as he did it. 

When you heard the beeping coming from his pocket again he laughed and groaned as he let go of your hand to silence the alarm on his phone again. 

“I'll send you the time and address,” he said. His hand was on the door now and he pushed it open turning back to look down as he pulled his shoes on. Before he was fully out the door though he turned back and you yelped when his hand found yours again and tugged you hard into the doorway. His hands reached for your face and you felt his lips pressing up against your cheek. Leaving noisy sloppy kisses against your face as you giggled at the sudden attack. 

It was silly and unexpected, especially from Minseok and when he let you go you wiped at the wetness on your cheek with the back of your hand, trying not to laugh too loudly.

“There. I got you back for earlier. I'll see you later love.” He said with a cheeky grin and a wink and his hood and face mask were on as he rushed down the hallway toward the elevators that would take him to the exit. 

You lingered at the door for longer than necessary, watching the space where he disappeared around a corner and you jumped when the sound of a throat clearing behind your door made your eyes widen and your heart leaped inside your chest. 

“Love?” The person standing on the other side, who had definitely witnessed the entire exchange asked in a voice as familiar as could be and you winced as you slowly peeked your head around the door to meet the questioning eyes of the person who stood there.

 

 

 

 


	9. Nine

  
_”Love?”_ Minhee’s voice rang out from behind the door and you knew the meaning behind her incredulous tone in an instant. “Are you seeing him again?”

“We are friends again. That’s all.” Your defense was quick, as was the speed of you moving aside so she could walk through your door. Saying it out loud felt strange. You could still feel the wet kisses he had playfully smacked against your cheek before he left. Your fingers longed to run along the softness of your own face the more you lingered on the recent memory.

“Friends? That's what you said last time.” She mumbled under her breath. You weren't sure if she believed a word out of your mouth at this point. You couldn't exactly blame her if she did not.

“Anyway, I just came to pick up the dress,” she said softly and you remembered the text she had sent a day ago saying how she needed the red, fringed flapper dress for something and would return it unscathed next week.

_’Of course Minhee.’_ you had texted back at the time, still feeling the awkwardness in your interactions with her ever since that day at her home. The day she fought with Minseok and found out about the secret relationship you had with him. The day she saw the hurt he had caused you, and she witnessed his pain as he begged you not to go.

“How is he doing anyway?” She said as soon as her fingers gripped the garment bag, her excuse for coming and her excuse to leave as soon as she had it. ‘“--Minnie.” She added after a pause and you watched her face for a long while, searching for any possible reason why she, his sister, would be asking you for his condition. A stifling heaviness inside your chest grew.

As far as you had always known, Minseok and Minhee spoke regularly. Texted often and shared stories of their lives with each other. Obviously, there were plenty of secrets but they were always diligent in keeping in contact.

Or so you thought.

Your silence must have told her of your confusion because her face fell slowly and her eyes danced around, avoiding yours that knew her too well.

“We haven’t...or I haven’t spoken to him in a while. Not since--” her voice trailed off and you felt a pull inside your gut.

Not since that day.

It wasn't just you that had lost something that day. Minhee lost the closeness she had with her only brother. Minseok had lost his sister’s trust and attention on the same day he had lost yours.

That heaviness pulsed inside your stomach, moving higher to irritate your heart. You didn't even try to ignore it as it washed over you.

“He’s doing okay--” your nails scraped lightly over your chest, trying to settle your insides. “He'll be okay.”

She watched your face in silence and you saw the twitch at the edges of her mouth. She tried and failed a smile. It never stood a chance. The sadness on her face was hidden just below the surface but you knew her well enough for the obviousness of it to hit you like a splash of water in the face.

“You miss him,” you said softly, feeling stupid for stating the obvious, yet unable to stop yourself. She inhaled a slow breath that trembled around the edges.

“You should call him, Minhee. He misses you too.” Minseok hadn't exactly told you as such, but you were confident in your words. You knew it was true. It had to be true.

She set her jaw and nodded twice. “Hey, thanks for the dress,” she said, without promising you a single thing and the ache in your chest pulsed up into your throat as you looked at your best friend who had turned to leave your home as quickly as she could.

“Minhee, I’m sorry,” you said softly and all of a sudden you knew what the source of the ache was.

It was guilt and it raged up inside of you like a tsunami. “I’m sorry I did this.”

Her swift exit stalled and she stood motionless with her back to you and her hands gripped tighter around the garment bag she held in her grasp.

“I’m sorry If I ruined the relationship you had with your brother, that was never what I wanted to do.” You swiped quickly at the wetness you felt along your cheeks and half paid attention to Minhee shaking her head.

“No, it's not you.” She said as she turned and you felt the warmth of her arms as she wrapped them around you. You felt the firmness in her embrace and she was speaking into your ear as she rubbed against your back.

“Don't you think I know how much of a hypocrite I am? I’m not upset with him for loving you...or you for loving him. I’m more upset with myself. Maybe if I hadn’t been so against it back then, maybe he wouldn't have felt the need to hide it. Maybe you wouldn't have been hurt.”

You’d never even considered the idea that she might blame herself for this mess.

“No, Minhee this wasn't your fault. This was...this was us, we… we all made some mistakes.”

Your arms held her tight. Your best friend of an entire lifetime who wanted nothing more than to protect you in any way that she could. Who in the end couldn't do a damn thing to stop it?

Because the truth was there in your words to her.

You had all made some mistakes.

After some tears and much-needed comfort, Minhee left with a promise to call you later and when your apartment was finally empty and silent you plopped yourself down on your sofa and rested your head between your knees for a moment. Just for the spinning to stop. Just for the wild thumping in your chest to settle down and for the confusion about your own feelings to clear.

Minseok had fucked up. Of course, he had. That much was clear as day, yet the longer you sat on your sofa with your head filled with those thoughts, the more you felt the lump in your chest moving and growing.

Had he been alone? This whole time? Without you to talk to daily, without his family to turn to...well the Minseok you knew would turn to his work.

He would push the sadness down, put up that smile that never reached those beautiful eyes and he would work. He would practice. He would dance. He would sing. He would struggle and overcome and he would work until he dropped. He would have done it with a smile on the outside and a profound emptiness on the inside that would only begin to crawl to the surface when he stopped moving. Alcohol could keep it at bay for a little while, but in truth, Minseok most likely worked until he couldn't, and then drop like a stone from exhaustion.

You reached for your phone to silence the alarm that was ringing and you dragged yourself up off of that sofa to get ready for work.

The Halloween party was on Saturday. You had a day to prepare some sort of costume and arrive at the address Minseok had texted after work that day. Because it was a weekend you could get away with closing just a bit early enough to get ready for the party. You would still be a little late though.

Even though you had promised Minseok that you would definitely come to the party, his texts went from polite and harmless, to downright pouty and desperate when the party had been going on for an hour and you still hadn’t left your apartment.

_”are you sure you are coming? why are you so late? :(”_

_”everyone else’s friends are already here :(( oppa is forever alone”_

_”omg you're taking a million years :((( ”_

You walked up to the door at the address indicated in his messages, very aware that this was the very first time you had been to the dorm. This was Minseok’s home. You would see his room and his things and you would meet his friends and group mates. The significance rushed upon you all at once and you braced against the door frame for a moment before you rang the bell.

You didn't have a chance to ring because you heard the click of a lock and the door was pulled open from the inside. The steady beat of the music from within the home hit your ears and you saw a comfortable crooked smile and a pair of eyes that held a familiar intensity that always held you hostage with a single look. He was dressed in a flashy suit, pinstriped with a vest and even a pocket watch with a big chain across his midsection, looking exactly like an old-time gangster. The hat that sat over his head laid crooked and half concealed his blonde hair. How could such a potentially goofy costume look so good on him? How in the world was this fair?

“Finally,” he said in a quick breath and he paused to look you over for a minute in silence, taking in the costume you wore, a tight red dress with a forked tail attached at the rear. Your devil horns sat atop your head. It was a simple costume and was being reused from Halloweens past since you didn't have much time to do any shopping before this last minute party. After a while, you saw the smile creep into his face which honestly had looked just a bit tense for a minute when he opened the door.

You felt his hand wrap around your hand and pull you through the door.

“A devil huh? Yixing’s going to flip.” He was speaking quickly under his breath and did not elaborate on what he meant. Yixing… you ran the name through your brain, placing a face to the one Chinese member the group still had left. He must be in the country if he was at this party tonight.

“Wait, Minseok, how did you know I was here?”

“I was checking the door every once in awhile. Do you know how crazy it makes me that you can't just be on time for things?” You zipped your lips, not wanting to engage him and his nagging.

The music grew louder as you moved through the home toward the living room where groups of people laughed, danced, talked and played what seemed to be a drinking game around the video game playing on the tv.

You felt instantly overwhelmed by the size of the group, a few familiar faces glanced curiously at you, looking down at your hand which was being securely held and pulled within Minseok’s hand. While their costumes helped disguise their identity only a bit, their faces were too familiar to you to be too effective.

“Hyung, who is this?”

Minseok had been stopped by a question that came from a tall werewolf with tufts of brown hair glued to his face and even coming out of his ears. The brightness of his smile was infectious and you smiled in return. It was Park Chanyeol of course. Anyone would have easily recognized the man and Minseok pulled you into his armpit as he wrapped a firm arm around your shoulder.

“Chanyeol, this is my best friend.” Chanyeol’s mouth opened in surprise and the fake fur on his eyebrows rose up high, accentuating his genuine surprise. His hand was gripping your own and shaking it up and down as you heard Minseok state your name, he continued the introduction. There was someone else standing beside Chanyeol in an instant and you caught another smile from Kim Jongin as he said his welcomes and offered you a cup with something pink inside.

You looked around at the small group that gathered, each with a wide smile and extended hand and each set of eyes left you feeling strangely at home and comfortable in their home.

Until you reached the final set of brown eyes. It took you a moment to get to him, through the chorus line of faces but when you met his narrowing eyes you were suddenly taken aback by the genuine hostility you saw in them. Your smile faltered a bit and you looked over his face, noting the black feathers of the large wings that sat extended at his back.

Despite the strange expression on his face, you couldn't deny his beauty and you struggled to put the smile back on your face as you extended a hand out to Yixing, who seemed to be dressed as an angel with black wings.

You heard a scoff from him and a snorting giggle from somewhere to your side. You turned to see Chanyeol clamping a hand over his mouth to silence himself.

Your extended hand was left empty for a few seconds until you gasped in surprise when you felt Yixing swat roughly at your hand, refusing to shake, refusing to welcome you and Chanyeol laughed harder. Your hand recoiled from the force of his slap and tingled a little bit from the contact.

“What--” you were genuinely confused. Why was Yixing acting so hostile toward you and why did Chanyeol find it so funny?

Yixing took a step back and away from you, lifted a single hand with two fingers up and roughly thrust them toward his own face before he thrust his index finger in your direction. It was a warning. Yixing would be watching you. He stormed away, leaving you confused and dumbfounded, surrounded by a group of somewhat drunken men who howled in amusement.

You felt Minseok’s hands on your shoulders and he pulled you into his grasp again, rubbing against your arms lightly you could hear his soft laughter in your ear.

“Don’t worry, he’s drunk and really into his character. Once you take off the horns and the tail he will go back to normal.”

You shrugged it off, trying to take Minseok’s assurance to heart with a small laugh and you were dragged around the party meeting different people. With each new face, and each new drink in your hand you could feel yourself relaxing into this environment. The night was young and many of the guests gave you and Minseok a curious glance, noting the possessive arm he kept around you, or the tight grip of his hand on your own, and you caught a few whispers here and there.

_’Minseok’s friend?’_

_‘Minseok’s girl?’_

_‘Minseok’s girlfriend?’_

You looked around, trying to find the source, only to see the huddled backs of people as they quickly looked away.

“Minseok Hyung! Your girl is looking for you.” There was a man wearing street clothes and a rubber alien mask standing in front of you both and the deep timbre of his voice sounded familiar.

More than the tone of his voice, the words he spoke made you stiffen and you felt the swimming in your head as the words replayed. Whatever drinks you had must have been strong. You were beginning to feel the familiar warmth as the alcohol swam through your body.

“Who?” Minseok spoke to the alien but he looked into your eyes with questions all over his face. A sort of confused innocence that you weren't quite used to seeing from him.

“Your date. You know, red dress, long black hair, really scary looking if you're sober.” There wasn't a single trace of humor in his voice despite the chuckles of laughter you felt vibrating through Minseok’s chest.

“Honeyyy” you heard a high pitched whiney voice sound out from behind you and you spun to find out who would possibly make a sound like that. Anyone with any sense could tell it was a man’s voice, made higher and silly sounding and you looked into the face of Jongdae, Minseok’s best friend, and Minhee’s boyfriend, wearing the red dress that had been sitting inside of your closet that very morning. His makeup was thick and gaudy and you saw his eyes widen with instant recognition when he saw you. You could see that his costume was the flashy lady to Minseok’s gangster costume.

“Oh, you came?” The high falsetto was gone and so was Minseok's hand from yours. It had been so comforting and warm and to have it suddenly removed left you searching for something to hold. Your drink cup would have to do because the two men were suddenly talking to each other in somewhat lowered tones and you found yourself staring in silence at the man in the alien head as the big black eyes of the mask looked back at you.

“Umm..hi, I'm Minseok's friend,” you offered and you could see the slight movement of his breathing as his chest moved up and down.

“I know who you are.” He said in that same deep voice but you could hear some undertones of kindness just below the short answers. You half wondered what he meant by that. Had your reputation preceded you? Minseok had never once introduced you to his members and you only knew Jongdae in any way that would be considered personal.

You felt his warm fingers grip on your hand and he shook it once.

His other hand lifted the mask just enough for you to peek below and see his face.

“I'm Kyungsoo. It's nice to meet you.” He said with a sweet smile and the mask was back over his face as he leaned in closer to where you stood.

“You're the first friend Hyung has introduced to us. I was beginning to think he didn't have any. It's nice to know he does. And a girl too,” he laughed mostly to himself and he was turning to move away from the hallway between the living room and the kitchen where you both blocked the way of partygoers who were moving around.

“Your drink is gone. I'll make you another,” Kyungsoo said and you glanced behind you at a still occupied Minseok before following Kyungsoo into the kitchen with a shrug.

The blender whirled and he made cups filled with slushy iced drinks. He handed one to you and a few to others in the room. From the corner of your eye, you saw something black and you turned to meet Yixing’s eyes.

He grabbed a drink from the counter and lifted the cup to his face, his eyes glaring in your direction the entire time.

“Umm, look I'm not really a dev--” you said to him with a grimace on your face. Kyungsoo looked between the two of you a few times before he sighed loudly and looked back down at the bottle of margarita mixer that he had been reading.

“Ahhh!” Yixing slammed the cup down onto the countertop in front of him and began to scream loudly as both of his hands reached up to grip the sides of his head.

Heads turned in his direction and you took a tiny step toward him with your hand outstretched. Your polite smile fell a little bit as genuine concern took over your features.

“Brain freeze,” Kyungsoo said and Yixing lifted one of his fingers in your direction.

“Did you do this?” He accused. “Have you frozen my thoughts, you devil?”

You felt someone behind you and goosebumps spread over your scalp as the headband that held your horns was pulled off of your head and a warm hand ran over your waist. You smelled Minseok despite the strong alcohol smell in your drink under your nose and you felt the goosebumps smooth out when he leaned against you.

“Yixing, this is my best friend in the whole world,” he began and you felt cold fingertips at your elbow and your hand was pushed forward in front of the man who seemed to be recovering from his brain freeze now. You heard Minseok say your name and Yixing’s eyes widened in surprise as he smiled a very wide toothy grin and had nearly taken your hand when his eye contact broke and he looked at something behind you.

“Oh my god, a bunny,” he said and you turned to see a girl dressed in a very skimpy white dress with furry rabbit ears on top of her head and a round fluffy tail stuck to her butt. “I love bunnies,” he said as he walked away from your extended hand.

“Hi,” he said to the bunny with the sweetest smile on his face. His dimples popped and you could hear the surprised gasp from her as he cut her off from wherever she had been headed. “I like your tail, do you like my feathers?”

And just like that, he was gone.

Minseok fussed and turned you around, fixing your horns securely back on top of your head with wide eyes and a tiny smile on his lips. Your staring was shameless. His face was so close to you and you could see the tip of his tongue as he licked his bottom lip and fixed your hair around the horns.

When you looked up from his mouth into his eyes he was watching your face as well with a dreamlike look in his far away eyes. Your movement pulled him out of it and his smile widened as he came to life suddenly.

“There's a game happening,” he said softly, recognizing the closeness of your faces, a small whisper would do despite the loud thumping bass of the music that played in the home.

“It’s a partner trivia game I think. Jongdae was trying to convince me to play with him but knowing what I know about these people, I don't think I want him as my partner if we lose.” You could see the question on the tip of his tongue, yet he danced around it expertly, expecting you to supply the answer that he wanted.

It was obvious to you that he wanted you to play with him. Yet something was making him pause and you wondered what in the world would happen if a team were to lose this game.

“I love games,” you said with a grin and his eyes widened marginally as his eyebrows skipped once up his forehead.

“If you want to play with Jongdae, I could ask Kyungsoo,” His hand was gripping yours tightly the second your next thought was out through your lips and you heard a sound from his chest that sounded like a growl.

Minseok was pulling you out of the kitchen suddenly, away from where Kyungsoo stood pouring tequila into rows and rows of shot glasses that he had set up on the counter next to a bowl with lime wedges cut in perfectly uniform sized pieces.

“Kyungs--” Minseok pulled your arm harder and stumbled quickly out of the room. You couldn't get his name out of your mouth before you yelped in surprise at being handled so roughly.

“No way, you’re mine,” Minseok said with an air of finality. You laughter echoed from the kitchen to the hallway into a sitting room where a few pairs sat around a Darth Vader holding a stack of cards in an armchair. You knew this was Junmyeon from your previous introductions and to his left sat a bowl with small squares of paper inside them and to his right, a small black and red button sitting on top of a notepad with a pen. The costume was automated and was emitting a heavy breathing sound as he sat in the center of the room waiting for the game to start.

The sofas in the room were full, and one pair sat on the floor in front of the small center table. Of the pairs playing, you only recognized a single face from your familiarity with the group as Jongin in a pilot costume.

There was an empty armchair, opposite of Junmyeon in the room and Minseok plopped down quickly onto it, leaving you standing in front of him with your eyebrows lifted in question. It wasn't that you expected him to give you the chair, but...you had kind of expected him to give you the chair.

You didn’t have that much time to look down at him in disbelief before you felt his hand grip yours and he pulled you down onto him, making you sit directly on his lap. It wasn't exactly the most comfortable seat and you shifted a bit, trying to find the spot where you wouldn't feel like you were about to fall off onto the floor. You had to move closer to him if you were going to be comfortable playing this game.

The moment you shifted more onto him you knew you had made some sort of mistake. His hand landed over your thigh and you had to wrap an arm around his shoulder, behind his neck. Had you known you would find yourself on his lap, perhaps you would not have worn such a short skirt. You’d expected that hand of his to leave once you finally stopped wiggling in his lap, but he kept it there, pressing down firmly to try and get you to stop moving so much.

Your arm was still wrapped around his shoulders and the warmth and closeness of his body beneath you brought with it, its own storm that surged inside your chest. When you looked into his face, he looked into yours, quietly watching your eyes despite the noise and commotions happening around you from the party events.

“You need to stop wiggling so much, love,” Minseok whispered against your ear, “or I won't be able to stand back up.”

He dug his fingers into the flesh of your thigh and you stilled when you felt the heat on your skin. The blush that began at the back of your neck crept up quickly, making you certain your cheeks were blushed and you bit down on your bottom lip hard, willing your body to settle itself.

His eyes ticked down to your mouth and he quickly looked away. The pink in the tips of his ears and the quiet curse he mumbled under his breath told you just how dangerous this situation was becoming.

The alcohol in your body told you that you were allowed to enjoy your friend’s company like this. There was no harm in playing silly games with him, laughing and giggling as you sat on his lap. He felt nice. He smelled nice. He looked nice and his eyes lit up with delight when you shouted out a correct answer with confidence. You had a bit of an advantage in the science questions, but you seriously came up blank with many of the pop questions. When you answered something wrong you could feel his soft giggles against your back along with the warmth of his hand on your thigh that squeezed down lightly. He had to be drunk. His touches were becoming much more frequent and bolder as the game went on and you wondered if anyone else could see just how far up your thigh that hand seemed to be moving.

Minseok also seemed more distracted than usual, but perhaps he was just too drunk for trivia. He spent many of the rounds silent with his other hand running along the small of your back where no one could see, tracing slow circles with his fingertips along your spine. Every now and when he would hit a ticklish spot and you would squirm away from his hands, but you always found yourself leaning back into him.

You lost the game. Minseok hardly answered a single question and when you saw the totals you slumped back into him in defeat with a pout on your face.

The punishment bowl was passed around for all except the group who placed first and you heard groans as pairs were forced to do things like sexy dances or write their names with their butts.

When the bowl with the papers inside reached your spot you reached in and pulled out the first paper you touched. You peeked inside the fold and quickly folded the paper back up with a grimace.

_Do body shots off each other_

You felt the eyes of the others in the room on you and even below you, Minseok stiffened as he craned his neck over your shoulder to see what the punishment read.

You felt a tug against the paper secured in your fingertips and you gave, echoing inside your chest, the same low groan you heard in his chest when he read it.

As his eyes drifted upward from the paper to meet yours, your breath caught midway into your lungs.

He tapped twice against your back, low enough to be considered your ass and you lifted yourself off of his lap as you wandered away from the scene.

Maybe you could just keep walking? Maybe Kyungsoo needed some help cutting limes in the kitchen. Maybe the video game in the living room had a free controller that you could commandeer.

You only took three steps just a bit out the path of that kitchen when you paused due to a tall body stopped in your tracks.

“The shots are over there.” It was Jongin, fresh off his punishment involving a sexy striptease that honestly did not feel like it was different enough from the man's day job to even be considered a punishment.

“Minseok Hyung’s doing a body shot!” Someone shouted from somewhere in the kitchen and you reluctantly turned your feet back toward the commotion.

“Oh shit! Did he get it?” Chanyeol shouted from another room and you felt as if you were a piece of livestock that was being herded into the slaughterhouse with the way they moved around you.

On the other side of the kitchen bar, stood Minseok wearing a blank expression on his face as he watched Kyungsoo fill up two shot glasses with the bottom contents of the bottle of tequila you saw before the game. A salt shaker and two lime wedges were carefully added to the array and you gritted your teeth and steeled your resolve.

It was just a shot. You'd done plenty of shots before.

Sure, Minseok would be involved and there would be some tongues but it was just a shot, right?  
You felt like a nervous college student all over again as Minseok looked into your face and raised a balled up fist at his chest level.

“Rock paper scissors. Loser goes first,” he said and he was pumping his fist three times before you had a chance to even think about which you would play. It didn't matter that you still had your fist balled tightly because he played scissors and you won. You weren't about to tell him that you hadn't even been ready.

You grabbed a shot glass and held it in a hand, grabbing the lime wedge in your other and you waited. Perhaps they'd let you get away with just holding them.

A single eyebrow lift from your partner in punishment told you it was a no go and you sighed as you looked down at the space between your breasts. Where your bra pushed them together just at the rather tight neckline of the red devil’s dress you wore and you carefully wedged the cool glass in between, extra slowly so you didn't spill any of the cold liquid down your skin.

When you looked back up, Minseok was watching you a bit too closely with the salt shaker in his hand.

“Uhh…” he said as he moved a bit closer to where you stood.

“Just do it already Hyung!” You recognized Chanyeol’s voice and the loud booming sound brought your attention away from the pinkness in his cheeks and the nervous way he licked his lips with his eyes on the skin of your chest.

The crowd cheered a bit with Chanyeol’s urging and Minseok leaned into you. There was a warm puff of air from his mouth as he descended on your chest and you felt the warmth wetness of his tongue as he slowly licked a path along the top of your left breast. You tried as hard as you could to keep still, if only for the sake of the full shot of tequila ready to spill should you react in any way to what this man was doing to you.

He shook the salt over the moistened skin, keeping his gaze low, almost obvious in his avoidance of your eyes.

You lifted the lime to your lips, holding the rind in place with your teeth and he moved quickly, licking the salt off your chest, moving his mouth to the shot glass between your breasts, he wrapped lips around and lifted his head back quickly, expertly tossing the liquor into the back of his throat before moving into your vision for the lime.

You flinched at his approach and you felt a familiar hand grip the back of your neck as he pulled you into him. It must have been the alcohol that made your brain go fuzzy at the sign of minseok moving into your mouth with his own lips parted because when he carefully plucked the lime from between your teeth and vanished without so much as a brush of his lips against yours you felt…. disappointed.

The wetness on your skin cooled in the air of the kitchen and shouts and giggles sounded out around you. Minseok laughed, as any good sport would and tossed the lime away into the countertop behind him.

Why did you feel so disappointed? How could he have escaped your lips so easily? You must be drunk on him by now. Memories of his fingers running circles along your spine and hot palms resting higher and higher on your thigh as you sat on his lap were playing over and over in your mind and Minseok was pulling at the necktie he wore around his neck now with a darker more mischievous look in those striking eyes now.

You watched as he slowly unbuttoned the dress shirt down to the top of the vest he wore, exposing the smooth firm skin of his chest. This time wouldn't work standing up. Feeling rather bold, you reached your fingertips toward him and gave a light shove back, toward the empty kitchen chair that sat at a table behind him.

Minseok grabbed the shot and the lime and fell back into the chair, leaning back as far as he could he placed the shot glass securely between his thighs, high enough that you were sure the maneuver would spark something inside of you as you did it. Surely you were imagining the definition in his thigh muscles that you could see below the fabric of his slacks. Why did the fabric need to pull and bunch like that? Why did his thigh muscles have to flex and tense like that when he held the tiny shot glass between his legs.

The feeling you felt with his hands on you as you sat in his lap, the feeling you felt in the kitchen as you watched his face and his lips too closely was creeping back into your body and there was a commotion behind you as laughter and cheering rang out again because you had that salt shaker in your hand and you were going to get this damn body shot done and over with already.

Minseok stared at you as you moved and slowly lifted the lime to his mouth, holding it in place, he dropped his hands to his lap and he waited.

When you licked the smooth skin of his chest you felt the stiffening in his body below you. He was warm and he smelled amazing. The salt stuck and you felt your balance shifting and trembling as you hovered. This was harder than you thought it would be and your tight dress constricted your movement.

You stumbled a bit. Fuck it, you would just have to touch him. Perhaps this was what made body shots fun. You laid both hands on his chest as you brought your tongue down again for the salt, you slid down his body, using your hands as a guide as you moved over him to his crotch, you bent at the waist, knowing full well he could see down your top like this, knowing that your nose brushed against his zipper and feeling the stiffening of his thighs as you wrapped your lips around the tip of the shot glass.

Maybe you should have kept your eyes down like he did. Maybe you should not have looked up into his face as you did it. If you hadn't been looking at him you might have missed that look in his eyes. The familiar look that had enough power in it to pull you down to the bottom of the ocean of Kim Minseok.

But you looked and you saw. A split second before you threw your head back and felt the burn of the alcohol as it slipped down your throat you saw and you knew.

When you came back down, dropping the shot glass down at your feet like an afterthought, your body moved over him, this time instantly releasing whatever silly reservations you had about touching MInseok, you had touched him plenty of times. You sat down on his lap, your thighs wide and open over his waist and you felt those hands on your thighs. Whether to steady your drunken movements, or because he was powerless to fight this you would never know, but he touched you and you leaned in for that lime. The darkness in his eyes watched as you moved, the bright green of the fruit ready to calm some of the burning at the back of your throat from the alcohol.

When you closed that final distance between his mouth and yours, you caught movement. Something green fell out of his lips and Minseok leaned in to you, meeting you halfway, you felt his mouth on your mouth, his lips on your lips.

You felt stunned for a moment before your body responded. Minseok’s kiss moved against yours and his hands that had landed over your thighs moved and tightened as he pulled you into him. He angled his head and parted his jaw and you felt the softness of his tongue, still tasting like sour lime from his own shot earlier, you tasted the alcohol too. You were sure he could taste the liquor on your tongue with the way he pulled your lip in between his own, sucking and biting lightly in that desperate way Minseok kissed you sometimes. When he really missed you, when you really missed him and you took from him as much as he took from you.

“Oh shit,” you heard someone curse quietly next to you and your mind whirled at the sound. Minseok heard it too and pulled back from the kiss, his hands that held you instantly fell to his side as you registered just how quiet the room had become.

You scrambled off his lap. Your breathing was hard and fast and your legs moved too sluggishly as your mind glazed over from the alcohol and from what had just happened.

“Umm,” Someone was trying to find a response. You met a few curious eyes, a few of which quickly looked away, while others merely stared in surprise and Minseok was standing to his feet with an awkward clearing of his throat.

When you turned on your feet, needing some sort of exit from this you bumped into someone who stood directly behind you, obviously someone who had seen the kiss.

“Wow,” Instead of a look of surprise, Yixing wore a look of wonder and amusement and you could see a far away look in his eyes as he blinked slowly and looked back and forth between you and Minseok. “Best friends? Awesome.”

He was then searching through the home, looking through faces until his smile widened and he found who he sought out.

“Bunny!” He was moving through a small crowd of people. “Bunny do you want to be my best friend?”

Yixing’s bunny didn't reply to the question because her focus was on something that was happening in the living room. You weren't sure what it was that had pulled her attention so completely but you heard a shout, an angry sounding shout that pulled the focus of others in the home away from a flushed faced Minseok who wiped at his lips, and toward the living room.

You heard the anger boom up like a storm when the music was cut off and when you moved to bring the scene into your view you could see the red tense face of Baekhyun, a member you knew Minseok was working closely with because of the subunit, only his usual happy countenance was angrier than you had ever seen him. From the tone and the volume he used you knew, even in your drunken state, that what was happening was serious and not just some trivial drunken party event.

You heard an accusation. A woman messing with his relationship, with his love and you saw the motion of his hands to the couch where someone sat hunched against Sehun’s shoulder with an arm wrapped around her costume. The costume stuck out, as it was a giant foam hot dog. A silly thing thrust into a serious situation lost all of its comedy.

Baekhyun had a love.  
Baekhyun was fighting to protect that love.

Jongdae also had a love.

Minseok had… you spin on your heels searching for his eyes. Desperate to find some comfort in them or at least some familiarity in this tense situation but you found nothing. Strangers with the focus still on the drama with the man and his hot dog, who was very drunk from what you half paid attention to. She was carried out of the room and the look in his eyes was enough to convince you that love, genuine real love was possible in this life.

The pang against your ribcage, your heart that begged for an audience annoyed you enough to pound lightly against your chest a couple of times.

Minseok had been scared.

Jongdae and Baekhyun had faced those fears and Minseok had run away from them.

What would you find now in those eyes? Would he still be running?

He had told you that he loved you already. You knew it was true but would he push that back down inside his belly buried beneath the years of apprehension and uncertainty. Layered under the guise of fame and risk of discovery?  
  
Where had he gone? Was he embarrassed about the kiss witnesses by so many? Was he ashamed that his drunken moment of weakness had an audience and now bit's and pieces of his secret could be found out should someone wish to dig deeper?

Did he care enough to snub you for the rest of the night?

You spun, giving the room a second or two extra to catch up to you and bumped against something soft and feathery.

It was Yixing again, although you noticed he stumbled a little more than before. His careful charade cracking some with the long evening of drinking having worn on him, he merely grabbed you by your shoulders to steady you, or perhaps to steady himself and gave you a small smile.

“Hyung doesn't like so many people sometimes. He probably went outside.” Yixing’s words slurred together some but you understood enough. Only it took you a moment to realize that off of the kitchen was a sliding glass door with what seemed to be a balcony that overlooked the city.

Perhaps he wanted to be alone.

You stared at the glass, watching your own reflection in the surface with blurry lights from the city overlayed in the reflected image. From the spot where you stood staring at the door, you couldn't see any signs of Minseok.

Your image stared back at you for a long while, chewing on your lip, faded red lipstick that matched your dress was long gone with the drinks and of course with that kiss.

You felt something tickle against your side.

In the glass you could see him standing next to you again, looking at the same reflection in the glass. You felt the warmth of Yixing’s arm as he wrapped it lightly around your shoulder.

“You aren't so many people, you know. Hyung would probably be okay with just you.”

He let go as soon as you turned to look at him and gave a little push at your back. The little push your stubborn legs needed to move and you pulled at the door slowly, just enough to peek your head through the opening and peer outside.

Minseok sat at the far end of a long balcony, curled over himself in a wide round deck chair with his head in his lap and blonde hair covered by interlinked hands.

The silence of the party, remnants of the drama with Baekhyun meant he must not have heard when you opened the door. You slid the glass opened further and stepped outside into the cool night air. Frankly, it was refreshing. The alcohol in your blood made your skin hot and sticky and after the heated kiss, you could use something to cool you down some.

Your steps were light, bare feet dancing over cool concrete and he didn't flinch until you were right beside him, bumping against his knee with your thigh to get his attention.

Minseok was too drunk to jump in surprise. All you got out of him for all of your careful sleuthing was a quiet gasp of surprise, wide beautiful eyes, and flushed cheeks.

His blonde hair was a mess. He had probably been pulling at it in some sort of frustrated fit at having been so weak in such a public way.

Whatever product he wore in his hair had made it stick up in all directions with a flat bit at the crown of his head where his hands had rested.

The man was an infuriatingly handsome mess.

“Shit,” he whispered into the quiet of the night, “you scared me.”

The balcony was up high enough that despite the hustle of the city nightlife clearly happening in the city below, the sounds were far away to be a distant hum of white noise on the wind. Why he felt the need to whisper you didn't know but it must have been contagious because you felt yourself covering your mouth to quiet a small giggle.

“It's just me,” you said with a smile on your lips.

Why did you feel so good? Minseok watched your face for a moment as he leaned back into the chair he occupied, his hands fell against his hips and his legs patrted in front of him.

He didn't return your smile. He watched you with a curiously stoic expression that had you giggling inside your chest.

He felt suddenly serious. So much more so than he had the entire evening and the thought made you want to laugh and dance and tease him.

Appropriateness could go to hell. You had your best friend back and he sat here within your reach with intense eyes, messed up hair and something burning in his lips. Something that he wanted to say, you were certain of it at this point.

The big round deck chair swayed a bit when you plopped yourself down and leaned back inside next to, and just a bit on top of him. You fell into it, giving in to that pesky strong gravity and the curve of the chair it was working with and you could feel the firmness of his chest below your hands as you tried to give him a little bit of space.

This chair wasn't meant to be shared in a strictly platonic way. You would just have to give up this fight.  
  
So you did. Your head lolled to the side, against his shoulder and you could feel the skin of his neck against your cheek. You could feel the beat of his heart as he shifted and wrapped an arm over your shoulder, pulling you further into him. Your legs were impossible to untangle and would just have to live this way, laying over his strong thighs like this. He could take your weight just fine.

You giggled your way through your struggles and he grunted a few times but let you sit with him...on him again, it seemed.

When Minseok finally spoke it was a long while after your giggles had settled and you felt hypnotized by his steady breathing and the warmth from his body. When he finally spoke it was the sound of your name in a soft whisper and it didn't have to travel far. Your ear was right beside where his lips had spoken.

You let out a single soft hum. Letting him know you were present enough to hear and to respond. You were here and he was here and you had your best friend back.

When he said your name again you let it dance over your ear drum. Its melody and his voice coaxed you into his world and you hummed again. Once more. A little louder this time, urging him to speak or to sing or to say your name again and again all night long until the sun came up and you could see the soft light coating his pretty face and his messed up hair as the birds began to sing.

“What would you do if I told you I love you?”

You watched the sparkle of the city lights and you let your fingertips trail over his chest, lightly dancing their way along the buttons of his vest as you absentmindedly fiddled.

The silence in your lips was soft. It was comfort and you knew that the question he asked wasn't something he needed any answers for. Not right away. You let out another soft hum and wiggled your head against his chest to listen to his steady heart beating.

“Do you?” You whispered against his chest, speaking more to his heart than to his head up above.

The hum of a response came from Minseok this time and you smiled into the night.

“Well, then I would tell you that I love you too, Minnie.” You pinched at the buttons of his vest and the sound of his breathing halted as he went still for a moment.

“Do you?” He mirrored your question only you could tell that much of the lightness of your delivery had been lost in the seriousness of his mood.

When you hummed again, his hand moved, reaching for the spot where yours played with his buttons and you felt him pulling your hand upward, close to his face.

The softness of his lips pressed against your fingertips and the fluttering you felt in your belly pulsed and came to life again.

“Will you ever let me touch you again?” The soft question sounded absurd when it reached your ears as he pulled your hand higher placing delicate kisses along the back of your hand before he turned it over and pressed his lips against the fold of your palm.

“You are touching me now,” you began but heard a small sound of dissent from him. You felt a head shake into your palm and you shifted up higher so you could turn and see his face again.

“Not like this. Not this easy touching. I mean the kind that's scary. The kind that goes deeper and is fucking terrifying because there's no going back from it.”

Minseok gripped your hand tighter as he spoke and you felt an increase in his breathing with his words. Your mind swam and you swallowed a few times as you attempted to make sense of the questions he was asking you.

What was he saying? What exactly was Minseok trying to get permission for? He wanted you to let him back into your heart. To the place that has been badly injured by his carelessness and past mistakes so he could what?

So he could do what?

He shifted beside you. The fire in his eyes grew bolder the longer he looked into your face and you felt his arms reach for you as he shifted and pulled you around.

He wanted you to face him. The chair swayed and you gave in and moved where you could see his face fully and he could see yours and when you climbed over his legs you found yourself straddling his thighs for the third time tonight. You braced your hands against his chest and his palms rested over your legs that curled easily at his sides.

“I love you,” he said with his eyes wide on yours and you felt the words sink in deep. You closed your eyes when they sank, hitting hard against the careful walls you had spent so much time and energy on getting a tight fit for each stone.

With your eyes closed you released a breath and with the breath, you felt a prickle behind your closed eyelids. When you tried to breathe in again your lungs hiccuped and stalled.

Minseok said your name and the weight of it on his tongue rolled off quickly and slammed against the stones sending sparks flying.

His hand touched your cheek, warm and light in pressure and you opened your eyes slowly, finding those same intense eyes begging for yours to listen.

“I said I love you,” he said, his voice no longer a delicate whisper but a bold statement with not a thread of doubt woven in its fabric.

“So what are you going to do?”

 

 

 

 


	10. Ten

_“I said I love you,”_

_“So what are you going to do?”_

Minseok’s words, his call to action, was weighed down by its own significance. It could no longer fly carelessly against the cool night breeze, you felt his confession pull heavy against the fragile twine that held it up. Your brain struggled to keep steady and the hands you braced against his chest felt feeble.

What were you going to do?

You loved Minseok.  
Minseok loved you.

His eyelids blinked slowly and his tongue darted out to moisten the soft flesh of his bottom lip. His chest rose and fell too quickly below your hands and you shifted your weight a bit over his lap as your thoughts whirled.

“Of course I love you Minnie--” your words pushed through, bringing an intonation with them that brought one of his eyebrows up higher on his face. An intonation that brought a pinkness to his cheeks and a slight clench of his jaw as he exhaled a breath through his nostrils. “Of course I do, I always have--”

Those words that tumbled from your lips, that tone that spoke more than your words could, he could hear it.

The focus of his eyes shifted and he broke the eye contact for a second with a deeper inhale and in the change, in the quick blinks of his eyes, in the sharp inhale of breath through parted lips without a trace of a smile you watched as he absorbed your tone.

“Of course you love me, _but_ …” his whisper felt wrong. It felt too small to come from someone like him. Minseok was quiet but he was never small. Not in that insignificant way that you felt sometimes by comparison. Minseok was never insignificant.

You lifted your hand from his chest and soft fingertips grazed against his chin, lightly running along his jaw for a moment before you laid the palm of your hand against his face and you wished he could see how significant he was to you. You wished you could grab him by the wrist and rush back into that room full of his friends and tell them all how significant this man was to you.

How much you loved him.

With the touch of your hand, you had his eyes again. His jaw hung open and his eyes flew over your face and his hand which had remained resting against your face moved. His thumb drew a path along your face, tracing your lips with a gentle touch and a longing in his vision.

“But.” your lips moved below his thumb and when you spoke he looked up from your mouth into your eyes once more and he was moving. He was leaning or you were leaning, you couldn't be sure, yet with the distance closed between your faces, you could feel the warmth of his breath against your face.

You closed your own eyes. He was too close to see clearly anyway and the darkness of your eyelids made his minuscule touches feel magnified. The warmth of his hand on your face was mirrored by another hand on the other side and the heat from the puffs of air through his parted lips preceded the softness of his lips over your face. You felt the kiss against your forehead, over your eyebrow, over your closed eyelid and then the other. He moved slowly and you let him. Melting against his lips again and again until he kissed the corner of your mouth and he froze, lips still close enough for another kiss, yet he was motionless except for his breathing.

He inhaled deeply, his chest rose higher with the breath and you swore you heard a tremble on the exhale. You definitely heard the small moan that left the back of his throat as the warm air passed over your face.

“I’ve been suffocating,” he said quietly before he inhaled another deep breath and you squeezed your eyelids closed tighter as a wave of warmth washed over your body.

“Without you, I’m missing something inside of me that helps me breathe. No matter how much I gasp, I can’t get enough.” You felt a trembling sensation inside of your chest as you struggled against this. Struggled to keep your sanity intact. To keep your walls up, to keep yourself from falling so far down you would never be able to pull yourself out again.

The pull to him was stronger than any force in the universe and the sensation that was washing over you was bringing with it a stinging behind your eyelids. A signal of your weakness to him, of your fear of doing this again. Of it being the same as it was before. A shameful dark secret that he hid away in his basement and denied at all costs, yet came to for a release, again and again, oblivious to the damage he was causing with his carelessness.

“But, I’m scared.” You finally worked the words out and with the words the wetness that burned your eyes broke through, trailing down your face in a single line of moisture.

Before you could wipe it away Minseok's hands were there and his lips were there. The touch of his fingers as slight as the softness of his lips.

“Me too,” he said against your skin, “I was.” He added and you could hear the change in his voice as he spoke up. A sudden change in his volume pulled your eyes open and you looked into his mouth in front of you for a second before he dipped his head to catch your vision.

“I was scared too, before--”  
With furrowed eyebrows and wet eyes, you could see traces of it still in his countenance. The fear he spoke of when it came to you.

“--but...” His shoulders sagged and his head leaned as the gospel of his words took hold of him and he could not keep up the fight.

“But we’re in love--” this sounded and felt more like defeat than triumph. This was the love confession of a broken man who had put up such a good fight and still lost.

“We’re in love, aren't we?” The wetness in his eyes had grown and he inhaled again through trembling lips.

Your head nodded, all on its own it seemed, as you had lost control of the fight as well and you watched a tear slip out of his eyes and run down his face.

Your hand was quick to wipe the wetness away and your lips were even quicker to kiss the skin of his cheek that was freshly cleansed by the salt water.

If Minseok had been suffocating, you had been drowning. The warmth of his skin, the breeze of his quick breaths, the beating of his heartbeat that seemed to quicken below your fingertips. Whatever reservations you might have heard in the back of your mind were a distant memory of a faraway dream.

“We’re in love,” you whispered against his lips a second before you closed the centimeter distance and you closed your eyes with your lips against his.

With your lips against his.  
And his hands in your hair and your hands in his hair and your lips against his.

With his heart beating inside his chest. Your blood pumping to the same rhythm, a single beat they both drummed, and his tongue warming yours.

And your lips against his where you felt it. Without any other word to describe this than the one he had himself used for god knows how long in secret.

Home. His kiss felt like coming home.

Every motion, every brush, every pause and every dip was drowsy. Minseok savored your lips with his own and you melted into him. You inhaled, breathing him in slowly like the sweet fragrance of incense he filled your lungs and his fumes rushed to your brain, making you dizzy.

Minseok was warmth. His mouth was warm. His lips and his tongue and even those teeth biting down lightly on your lip felt warm. The roots of his hair at your fingertips running along his scalp felt warm. His hands running down your back were warm and when he reached your bare thighs with his palms traveling over your skin the difference in temperature was shocking.

His hands moved lower, down your knees curled at his sides around to feel both of your bare feet. With a small squeeze, he suddenly pulled away from your lips, making you dip toward where he retreated, instantly missing his kiss.

“Baby, you're freezing,” he said against your lips a moment before you claimed his mouth once more simply because you could. He gave in to you so easily. You hadn't even felt that cold until his hot hands touched you and told you just how warm you could really be.

When he said it, you suddenly felt the cold of the night air and his hands moved over your legs, again and again, bringing warmth from the friction into your skin. You felt goosebumps on your bare arms when the chair rocked. He was moving, one arm moved to hold you tightly around your waist as he sat forward and he was shrugging out of the jacket he wore one sleeve at a time. A grunt, a pull and then flourish of fabric and he brought the toasty jacket over your shoulders coating you in an unbelievable warmth from behind.

You breathed in as you pulled the jacket tighter, the smell of Minseok filled your nose and your mind and your heart and you closed your eyes for a moment as you breathed in deeply the strong sensation of him.

His hands were still rubbing at your skin and you felt him reach for your feet again.

“Here,” he said as he shifted his hips to the side. The motion brought him up higher and closer to where your hips sat over him and you felt the heat between his legs. It was a familiar sensation, his hardness. It was not unwelcome, despite the nagging apprehension you felt in the pit of your stomach when you felt it.

An apprehension that was a remnant from before, from before when sex was the extent of your relationship with the man you were in love with.

Your mind wandered against your will.

Would he want to fuck you tonight?  
Would he expect it?  
Would you cave to him?

Did you want to?

You felt the curve of the chair at your side and his strong arms as he moved you off of his lap and onto the chair beside him. The motion made your legs curl up in front of you and you easily tucked you icy toes under his thigh. His warmth coated you at one side and he pulled the jacket around to cover your arms and exposed legs.

It felt cozy. He smelled too nice and felt too comfortable for any bits of apprehension to find a foothold. Your worries faded with his arm around your shoulder and the lazy way his head leaned back into the seat back.

His eyes were on you and his smile was small but genuine.

“Is that better?” His lips were moving and once the chair settled and stopped swaying you felt the world catch up in your dizzy head.

You hummed with a smile toward his face and his smile widened to show teeth for a second before his lips flattened back out and his eyes watched your face closely with lazy eyelids that moved too slowly over those pretty brown eyes.

“I think the sun will rise soon,” he whispered. His fingers had slipped below his jacket and he found your hand. Your focus was thready. Did you look into those eyes that watched your face, or the parted pink lips that glistened wet in the city lights shining onto the balcony, or did you follow the path his fingers took as traced mindless patterns onto the palm of your hand, dipping to intertwine warm fingers between your own again and again.

He was right about the sun. The sky seemed to be changing colors on the eastern horizon and a soft silence blanketed your chest as his fingers stilled their fidgeting and lightly intertwined with yours. You felt the smallest shift in his posture and you leaned your head against his shoulder at the same time as he leaned his against the top of your head.

With the comfort of his embrace, you could also feel the fatigue. The night had a late start for you and time passed quickly with the games and the laughter and the drinks. His steady breathing was interrupted with a small kiss against the top of your head and it pulled your eyes open just enough to see the tiny sliver of light of the sunrise peeking out. Your eyelids grew heavy as your smile widened and the feeling of contentedness grew warm and heady within your chest.

When you opened your eyes again you were in someone’s arms and the sound of the glass door sliding open sharpened your mind to the fact that Minseok had carried you from that chair down the long patio back to the kitchen door.

You wiggled against his hold and his eyes widened as he realized that you were awake. Although you swore you hadn't slept at all. There was no way you had slept, it was only a few seconds that you had closed your eyes. You were certain of it.

“What are you doing? I wasn’t sleeping.” You could hear the defense in your own voice as if sleeping on his shoulder wrapped up in his coat and his love was somehow a shameful thing to be caught doing.

“You were too, sleeping. You drooled on me and everything,” Minseok grinned wide and playful as he gave in to your kicking and protesting feet and set you down on the tile floor.

You wiped at your own mouth out of instinct and looked at the single spot of wetness you certainly saw on his chest. You didn't have a chance to feel humiliated because he was pulling you out of the kitchen toward the quiet scene in the living room.

Most of the party had dissipated by now and you caught the sight of a familiar red dress hiked up high on the bare thighs of a sleeping Jongdae. He was asleep with a pillow over his head on the living room sofa and Sehun was creeping around his legs holding a fat black permanent marker as Chanyeol quietly snickered with his hand over his mouth.

They both looked up as you and Minseok entered the room and Sehun held up his index finger to his lips, making you both an accomplice in his crime.

“He’s going to kill you for that,” Minseok said in a low voice as he pointed at the large crudely drawn penis and testicles inked in black on Jongdae’s upper thigh.

Sehun smiled wider as he looked back down on his artwork, completing the drowning with a puddle emerging from the tip. Chaneyol’s hand dropped from his mouth and a loud burst of laughter shot out before he could clamp it back down again. Jongdae let out a whiney moan from below the pillow and the man with the marker threw it across the room and dropped like a rock, instantly flattening his body out on the floor, he covered his head with his hands and played dead.

Chanyeol curled into himself, a painful gasp sounded out as he swallowed away his laughter and made himself as small as he could on the armchair he sat in.

Jongdae’s moan echoed through his body and he rolled over below the pillow, curling his legs up high into the fetal position and he stayed that way, clearly still too drunk and too sleepy to care about the multiple dicks you saw drawn across the backs of his legs.

“Come on, we didn't see anything. The less we know the better,” Minseok said as he pulled you out of the living room into a darkened hallway littered with a few signs of the party. Cups, occasional bits of a costume, a stray napkin, and even a familiar lime wedge. Although most likely not the same one that fell from Minseok’s teeth during your body shot.

At the end of the hallway, leaning in front of the door sat something familiar. Something big and black and significant and as you drew closer you could make out the outline of Yixing’s black angel wings carefully placed in an upside down position as not to ruffle the feathers. Something else stood out, a stark contrast to the black feathers you saw a light colored ball carelessly dropped amongst the feathers.

You couldn't help your curiosity and you stopped in your tracks to pick up the white ball of fur.

“He probably made her keep the bunny ears on,” Minseok whispered with raised eyebrows and a wink and you dropped the bunny tail quickly before the realization of what was happening behind that door could heat your face up too much.

“This is me,” Minseok whispered as he pushed open a door and stepped into a dark room. You lingered at the threshold more out of fear of stumbling and bumping into something than anything else. After all you were an adult who could spend the night with the man you were in love with, sleeping in his own personal bed that smelled so much like him you would certainly smell him on your skin for days.

Minseok’s temporary absence lasted only a second before you heard a quiet click and found the room illuminated in the soft glow of a table lamp next to one of the beds.

Of which there were two. Minseok sat down on one of them, his hands at his neck to loosen the tie from his gangster costume and unbutton the dress shirt below.

You stepped inside, feeling the softness of the plush area rug below your toes, your nose hit on something fresh smelling in the room. Something clean and bright that tried to set your mind at ease but your hands had a slight tremble and you held them firmly in front of your skirt to hide it.

How could you be this nervous? This was Minseok?

This was your Minseok.

That was the truth, but it was also his bedroom and his home and his pictures on the wall and his computer at the desk and his clothes in the closet.

This was his place. His own private world and this was your first time seeing it with your own eyes and feeling the cleanliness of the floor with your own feet.

Your eyes were wandering. This was Minseok’s room and you couldn't stop them even if you had been completely sober and in control of your emotions.

The other bed was empty. From your past conversations with Minseok, you knew it was Jongdae’s and whether he was passed out asleep out on that sofa because of the alcohol or for his love for his friend you had no way of knowing and something told you it was probably best not to ask too many questions about the subject.

You were sure it would be sore enough of a subject when he woke up tomorrow and found the black marker punishments for sleeping out there.

You must have been frozen in your thoughts for too long because when you turned to look for Minseok sitting on his bed he was gone.

A throat clearing behind you made you spin and your small stumble was caught by warm strong hands.

Something hit your feet. It was the shirt Minseok had been holding out for you to take.

“You can have my bed,” Minseok bent at the waist to retrieve the shirt for you, “I can sleep in Jongdae’s bed if you want to be alone.”

Minseok had a way about him. You had grown quite good at reading him over the years and you could always tell when he was saying one thing but meaning another. He's gotten pretty good at propositioning you or swaying the conversation in his direction to get what he wanted. Of course even after you had grown so used to him that you knew exactly what he wanted, you usually still played along with his game.

This wasn't one of those games. The man standing in front of you holding the black t-shirt between the tips of his fingers, avoiding your eyes by looking down at the fabric, meant what he was saying.

He swallowed and pulled his eyes up from the shirt, careful not to linger for too long on your chest on the way up.

“I don't want to be alone,” you said because it was the truth. This wasn't a rehearsed line read from a script for the game, it was the truth.

Perhaps, before, you playing along despite knowing what he had been doing had always been part of the game.

Perhaps all of that was done now.

“I'm not trying to get lucky tonight,” he said nearly immediately after your shockingly straightforward response and you felt the oxygen flood your lungs with the clarity of his words. “You aren't in my room right now because I'm just trying to fuck you.”

Despite the tension you saw on his face he continued to throw his honest revelations at you. Such honesty would have crippled the Minseok you knew before, yet these words held their own desperation. They were truths that you needed. Truths that you had earned and truths that he wouldn't hold back anymore.

“Put this on so you can sleep comfortably,” Minseok said softly and you grabbed the shirt front his hands and spun on your heels.

“Unzip me,” you said, half realizing that your small request might be just a tad unfair to the man whose new found respect for you was already being tested extensively tonight.

Any protest was swallowed away and after a moment you felt his fingertips at the top of your dress and heard the slide of the zipper as it was lowered.

Your hands were inside the shirt and you lifted the garment over your head and pulled it down quickly, just in time for the shirt to cover where the dress fell away. Surely he hadn't seen much. You weren't that cruel.

You didn't dare turn back to face him but instead opted to hop onto the bed and sit cross-legged as you waited for him to come to whatever decisions he wanted to about the sleeping arrangements.

You looked across the space now, a safe distance from where he had helped you undress and still stood frozen on the spot with his arms now over his chest and a single hand lifted to his mouth. He watched you and tapped nervously on his bottom lip.

“Okay, that--” he spoke after a moment, a half thought that trailed off with a low groan that reverberated inside his chest. You knew this sound. Your wardrobe change had not been as smooth as you aimed for.

“--that, fuck--” he was making less sense, yet somehow you understood clearer when you looked down at your bare thighs at the bottom of where the shirt landed. You could definitely see your panties with the way you sat on his bed.

“Okay you look so fucking good in my shirt and my dick’s been hard for so long now I'm starting to get a headache so you go to sleep and I will go take a shower.”

He spoke fast and at near mumbling levels but you heard and understood every word from his lips. He fished through an open dresser drawer for a stack of clothes and avoided your eyes with whatever bit of self-control he had left.

“M-Minseok,” you couldn't stop yourself from calling out to him and he'd made it to the bathroom door when his feet stopped at his name.

“Please just sleep. You are drunk and I need my mind working again if I'm going to sleep in that bed with you.” His shoulders were tense and he fisted the clothes over his crotch now, desperate for some sort of release tonight, yet unwilling to wreck the delicate repairs to your relationship with him that were beginning to take hold.

And he was right. You were drunk.

“Think of me,” you said.

If relief had a physical shape, his shoulders had taken it.

“I always do,” he said and he was through the door with the water running before you had pulled the warm blankets of his bed up over your bare thighs and nestled yourself into his pillow.

Sleep?

With Kim Minseok in his shower right now jerking off to the thought of you?

You’d more likely be struck dead by lightning in this very bed.

Instead, you found yourself unable to focus on anything but the running water, and the low moans you were certain you heard over the sounds of water moving through the fixtures.  
  
If you were weak to him sober, drunk was even worse. You were present enough to know that you couldn't fight his pull even if you had wanted to and your feet were on the floor the second you heard the first moan.

When you heard the second your ear was resting against the closed bathroom door and when you heard the unmistakable sound of your name on his lips, said in that thick voice that peppered your dreams and your fantasies with soaked panties and memories of just how good the man was at making you cum, you’d slid down the closed door to your knees.

Your hand rested flat against the door, inches away from the knob but you didn't dare try it.

If he had locked it then you definitely shouldn't be listening with your ear against the door to the slick sounds of him stroking his dick with your face in his mind and your name on his lips. With his head thrown back and his eyes closed tight as he squeezed his fist tighter and stroked faster.

If he had left it open then...did he know you would be listening? Did he keep his volume high enough for you to hear on purpose? Did he want you to open that door and wrap yourself around his dick instead of his hand?

Something about the volume of his voice and the clarity of his moans gave you pause and you pulled your mind back to the sound of the shower and the distinct lack of any sounds of the shower curtain being opened or closed.

Had he even gotten inside the water? Or was he sitting directly on the other side of this door doing this loud enough for you to hear him this clearly? Loud enough for you to be affected and loud enough for your fingers to long to try the doorknob.

Could he hear you brushing up against the wooden door, desperate for his voice and his touch?

His voice was changing in pitch now and your heart was racing along with your breathing. He said your name again and you heard a gasping breath that you couldn't help but mirror. You couldn't help it, you were too affected now and the small bump you made against the door made his heavy breathing quiet down.

“I locked it,” he said in a throaty whisper and he gasped again as he cursed through gritted teeth.

“Minseok,” you said against the door, recognizing the thick sound of your arousal in your voice. The wetness between your legs warmed you, tempting your fingers to respond and his labored breathing on the other side of that door only fueled the fire inside you. You turned, leaning your back against the door, parting your legs in front of you and you let your hands drift.

“F-Fuck, fuck, baby only you can make my name sound so good,” he said and the first brush of your fingers over your soaked panties brought up a quiet moan from the back of your throat.

“Oh god,” you whined. You were too wet, too ready for him and when your fingers slipped below the fabric you couldn't suppress the sounds from your lips.

You wanted him. His hands and his mouth and his dick and you sighed into it, the soft moans letting go of the disappointment of a physical wall between you and clinging on to this feeling instead as you gasped and whined with each pass of your fingers over your sensitive nub.  
  
He breathed out your name again, his voice rising an octave as he began to lose control of himself.

“Shit, you sound so fucking good. Who are you thinking about right now, baby? Who do you want to fuck you?”

Your finger dipped inside as you said his name and the tension spun inside of your belly, winding even tighter than before. Surely you would snap soon with the way his words in your ear were making you feel.

“Say it again,” he growled out, the door rumbled and your fingers moved faster between your legs.

“Minseok,” you gasped. “It's only ever been you who can do this to me.”

“Only me?” He panted through his teeth, the sound of him holding back pushed you closer toward the tipping point.

“It was always you, Minseok.” Your scream was caught in your throat and you felt the tension snap and flood through your body. You gasped in, lungs already filled to capacity yet desperate for more as your muscles trembled with the powerful wave coursing through your body.

On the other side of the door, you heard him curse loudly, followed by the low grunting sounds and heavy panting noises as he came along with you.

Your breathing was thick and heavy and the dizziness in your head made the room spin as you gasped for precious air to fill your lungs and waited for your heart to calm down.

Minseok’s steady breaths on the other side of the door, heavy for a moment before he vanished and you heard some movement. The shower cut off.

The journey back up to your feet was wobbly and unsure yet the feeling of satiation brought a silly smile to your face nonetheless.

A lock clicked and the door opened and you looked into his face for a split second before he reached for you and pulled you into his lips.

The kiss was hungry, yet not demanding and he pulled away with a smile that looked a bit like the one you felt on your own face.

“A kiss. We can do this much now right?” Minseok's eyes were always too intense when he kissed you like this and you nodded and poked a finger out toward his bare chest.

“You shouldn't have locked it, Minnie.” Your whine was sounding sleepier and less sober now and you giggled as he turned you by your shoulders and steered you back toward the bed.

“I wouldn't have to lock it if you weren't such a naughty drunk,” he teased.

The bed was soft and the covers warm. Minseok was warmer though and his arms circled you and pulled you in close to his chest. When you breathed him in deeply you were certain of two things, he hasn't actually showered at all, and impossibly, he still smelled like the best fucking thing you'd ever smelled. This man was certainly unfair in every way.

“You wasted so much water with your non-shower, Minnie,” your complaint was muffled by the warm skin of his chest against your lips and he sighed slowly as he dipped his head and kissed your hair. Both for affection and reassurance it seemed.

“Shhh…” you felt a heavy leg wrap around your waist and felt completely trapped at this point by the love of your damn life, “I'll make a donation to an environmental charity tomorrow. Go to sleep now, my love.”

Your mind drifted into him, giving in to what you had so desperately craved for so long. You half opened your eyes to a buzzing sound coming from where you thought you saw your phone last, but sleep won over any worries about who would possibly be calling you so early on a Sunday morning.

You quickly decided you didn't care. You were asleep in Minseok's his arms today.

Everything else could wait.

 


	11. Eleven

  
The sleep was deep between Minseok’s sheets and within his arms. The steady rhythm of his breathing pulled you under fast and the tight grip of his arms around your waist loosened as he drifted until your conscious reality faded and you woke up hours later tangled in limbs and bed sheets with the sensation of someone’s hands running along your bare thighs.

If he was still asleep, then he was beginning to stir with the warmth of your skin below the palms of his hands and your mind, much clearer now than last night crystallized on the feeling of those hands as they traveled.

You had somehow managed to resist him last night, although no thanks to you, that was due to Minseok physically locking himself in a separate room to keep from making a drunken mistake, but now…

Now in the quiet of his room, with what you were nearly positive was a locked door keeping you both secret and safe from accidental interruptions, under the warmth of these blankets and tucked into the softness of his bed, you felt a pull to him.

Giving him your back with the way he seemed to fit into your shape so perfectly was comfortable, but it was lacking.

You rolled, pivoting your body to turn in place you felt him lift the wandering hand as you moved, only to place it squarely onto the curve of your hip, with fingertips dipping near the curve of your ass, once you had settled.

Your new position brought you face to face with him.

His dark lashes splayed out below closed eyelids. His breathing remained steady as you took in his face through sleep clouded vision.

It was silly really, to want to touch his face as he slept, but the need suddenly felt strong enough to overcome what little self restraint you had in your sleepy mind. When you reached your hand up to run along the tip of his nose you caught the slight furrow in his brows and the puff of warm air from his parted lips that made you retract your hand.

His lips remained parted and your hand hovered just in front, just centimeters away from those lips, relaxed in sleep with the plump bottom lip and shapely upper lip that you knew could kiss you like you needed at any given moment.

And it was what you needed. You were more certain of that the longer you dwelled on his lips.

You lifted your chin just enough and the feeling of softness from his parted lips pressed against your own, molding perfectly against them, you kissed his mouth slowly, savoring him as he laid still in his bed with one hand resting on your ass.

There was a small movement, a purse of his lips, a tense of his fingertips into your flesh and a small sound from somewhere in the center of his chest.

The sleepy echo of a moan.  
The joyous sound of a man pulled from sleep by a kiss and when you didn't pull away, he didn't pull away either.

Minseok came to life, his lips already against yours and his hands already on your skin, his mouth moved slowly, pulling your lips soundly within his own he kissed you slowly and deliberately without a care in the world. There were no interruptions to be had. There was nothing else in the world you wanted except his lips and his hands and his warmth and you would have it because this...this was what you needed.

You felt the storm that was brewing inside your belly. A heightened version of the longing to touch his face, this was a forceful wind that blew and tested the integrity of what you were made of.

It was his touch that did it, the wandering of that hand that slipped behind your thigh and dipped troublesome fingertips between your legs as he gripped you tightly and pulled. With that touch, your carefully constructed walls collapsed and you lost the will to fight it.

You rolled over him, pushing up with your hands along his chest with the motion you found yourself on top of him, thighs straddling his hips and his hands moved to your thighs, and higher, finding the shirt you wore you felt the warmth of his fingertips pushing the garment away, up and off as the contact of your mouth on his was briefly interrupted.

The shirt was gone and his hands were on your bare breasts a moment before the low groan that left his chest and pulled his eyelids open to slowly look at you. Naked, except for the panties and sitting directly over his waist.

Minseok's eyes were open now, hooded and affected you could feel the hardness between his legs when you sat up further, bracing your hands on the bare skin of his chest.

His exploration of your skin was slow and he trailed his fingertips down from your breasts to tickle along your ribs lightly.

“Am I dreaming or are you naked and on top of me right now?” The huskiness you heard in his voice was unimaginably sexy and the only response you gave him was a slow grind of your hips, pushing against the hardness you felt below the layers of fabric that separated your bodies.

Minseok hissed and his hands moved to grip your thighs roughly. He pushed up, fighting hard against the clothing. The action, despite how futile, felt strangely gratifying and with each grip and push you felt the friction between your legs, building up the heat and the need.

His eyes squeezed tight and his lips parted as he breathed out through his mouth. After a few seconds, the tight grip with which he dug into your thighs relaxed and his hands moved off of you entirely. He was covering his face now, twin hands laid from chin to eyebrows you heard him groan out from below those hands.

“Why are you doing this?” His complaint felt odd. You definitely felt his arousal between your legs but he was still holding back. The old Minseok would have tossed you onto your back pushed your legs apart and buried himself in you by now, but this...this was different.

The longer you sat on him, watching the up and down of his lungs as he breathed through his hands, the more reality began to hit you.

Minseok was scared. Of you, of this, of sex with you, with the possibility of it turning bad again and ruining what he loved so much. He had been burned by it, thoroughly spooked by it and now he was practically trembling below you, genuinely confused about where to proceed. About what was okay and what was off limits.

Your close observations of the man quieted the storm of desire for only a moment. His breathing was fast and his chest rose and fell, making his trimmed abdomen dip with the exertion.

“Minnie,” you whispered, enamored with the taste of his name on your lips. It seemed to feel even sweeter in the silence of this quiet bedroom and he whined and peeked out between his fingers when you called him.

His eyes caught yours, then drifted as soon as he looked, moving down your face to your neck, down to the bare skin of your breasts that still perched over him and his hands were moving again, as if he had lost control of himself, he was reaching for you with cautious fingertips that reached for the skin of your waist, lightly trailing over your belly and up to the space just below your breasts.

His response to you calling him was a soft delayed hum from the back of his throat. The sound was documented by the slight narrowing of his eyes as he took your image deep within his mind, no doubt creating permanent memories that would last a lifetime.

“Minnie,” calling him the second time got his attention and he looked up into your face as he bit down lightly on the inner flesh of his bottom lip.

“I want you--” your confession was tiny and felt like the kind of raw honesty that you had spent years pushing deep down inside of yourself. The kind of honesty that you had kept so well hidden but now, with a few simple confessions of love, the pot was bubbling over now.

Minseok was moving, sitting up with hands snaking behind your back you felt him pulling you into his mouth. This kiss was much more awake. Much more desperate and unbridled he gripped tightly behind your neck as he kissed away every other confession you might have been ready to spill, swallowing them down and coming back for more.

When he broke the kiss, he gasped for air and his lips traveled along your jawline.

“You can have me,” he whispered into your ear and you threw your head back to look at the ceiling fan spinning above your head. You felt overwhelmed by him all over again. Minseok’s mouth opened up to nip at your earlobe and goosebumps spread from your neck down your spine, sending a flood of warmth to your already too hot hips and a feeling of urgency took over.

It had been too long, he smelled too fucking good and tasted even better, despite the hours of sleep, despite the alcohol the evening before, this was Minseok. Your Minseok and his ragged breathing and frantic kisses told you that the storm raging inside this bedroom was not only threatening to consume you but him as well.

You moved on him, gave a rough push at his shoulders and he fell backward, his hands instantly releasing their hold on your body he simply let go and fell back into his pillow with a grunt. The only movement you saw from him was the rapid rise and fall of his chest and the parted lips that passed breath after breath.

His eyes watched you move off of him and when you reached for his waistband he lifted his hips as you pulled down the sweatpants he wore.  
Your own panties were a quick afterthought and you watched his face take in your nudity through darkened eyes that always saw too much.

The sex had always been exciting. Minseok was a passionate and energetic lover, but something was different here. He watched your face closely as you moved over his body and kept still where he laid on the bed. Not taking control or taking the lead, moving you where he wanted you, Minseok simply watched and waited for you to do as you wanted and in this moment you felt a surge of something different inside of your chest. A new kind of excitement as the man you loved seemed to be waiting and willing to give you anything you asked for.

But what did you want? Your body felt frantic for him, to have him inside of you, to have his hands and his mouth and his skin all over you all at once, you were too overwhelmed to think straight. You straddled him and looked down at those hands that he rested just above his head and when you sat just over his hardness you could tell just how wet you were already.

His eyes rolled back when he felt the heat and the wetness that spread over him with your movement and yet those hands stayed put, just above his head as he waited.

“I can have you?” You repeated his words from earlier and his eyes flew open to look at you. His mind seemed to take a moment to register your question and he slowly nodded his head before his lips pulled open to speak.

“You can have all of me, anything you want me to do, I’ll do it, I promise.” His declaration was quiet, but it was bold and you lifted your hips in that moment and guided him into your entrance as you sank down onto him fully.

The sensation was too much. You were so wet, but also overstimulated by him and the flash of him filling you completely set your legs trembling as your breath caught deep inside your throat. Another lift and drop and your thighs hit hard against his as he brushed up against your walls on the inside, making the trembling worse.

Minseok’s eyelids fluttered and his fists were balled tightly above his head as he bit down hard on his lip. He screwed his eyebrows together and bucked his hips up, meeting your every descent with friction and pressure.

How much could you take? You felt wound to the limit and ready to pop, each motion sending you closer and closer as the dizziness in your brain took over. Your movements grew less organized, more frantic and Minseok was moving, sitting up he wrapped two strong arms around your waist you felt him adding to your movement as you rode him and began to come undone.

Your eyes squeezed shut and you felt the first wave course through your body with a new burst of warmth trailing quickly behind. From your belly outward the wave surged and you were half aware of movement.  
Rolling, held in a strong embrace, he pressed you into the mattress and his warm skin coated every inch of your own.

Your mind whirled and he was speaking, just millimeters away from your skin, his lips moved, whispering against you in places you could not hear. As he moved over your shoulders, kisses were left, small spots where his lips sucked marks into your skin and wetness where he tasted you. You felt overwhelmed. He was still inside of you, yet seemed to be moving slower, savoring the love he made with you.

“My love, my love--” the kisses at your neck brought the words into your mind and you wrapped your arms around his waist, pulling him into you. His hips were strong and he pushed inside again, slower than you wanted. More gentle with his movements than you needed him to be. Yet he persisted, eyes open and looking deep into yours as his hips pushed inside of you again and again.

“You feel so good. So wet, so hot, for me,” he said with another push and you lifted your chin to reach his lips. The kiss took your breath and his teeth bit down on your lip and pulled upward before his mouth came back to suck away the sting.

“I missed you so much. God, I love you.” Was he trembling or was that just you? The way he held back, moved inside of you too slowly was maddening and when he tucked his arms securely under your shoulders and held you tightly, locking his mouth over yours his tongue pushed inside of your mouth with a slow deliberate pace that matched the pushing of his hips.

You were held so tightly as he consumed every bit of you. When his lips left yours, it was for a desperate need for oxygen and he returned again, puffing warm air into your mouth with his efforts.

Minseok swallowed away your moans, matching the sounds with soft grunts and moans that resonated within his chest.

“Minnie,” you whispered his name with a gasp of air, “my Minnie,” you said more as an involuntary thought voiced out loud. You heard a small hum from him, his voice unsteady and thready.

“Yes. I’ve always been yours. It was always you, I’ve loved you forever,” he said into the space below your chin, punctuating his words with his lips along your collarbone.

His pace was changing, turning jagged but no less gentle and you reached your legs up and wrapped around his waist, pulling him harder into you. You needed more. Faster, harder, anything but this maddeningly slow love.

You felt him rub the tip of his nose along your chest, above the mound of your breasts and the pull of breath into his lungs as he inhaled you.

“I know you want me to fuck you harder but--” he was breathing hard as he spoke, “--but I don't want this to end. I don't ever want this to end, you feel so fucking good.”

You knew he was holding back on purpose. You could tell this was the work of Minseok’s incredible self-control keeping you held down as he pushed inside of you at a languid pace, all the while trembling and fighting the urges that threatened to consume you both.

But maybe you wanted him to lose that control. Maybe you wanted the roughness and the pain that came right before the pleasure.

“Minnie, but you promised I could have anything I wanted.” With your words, he went still except for the heavy breathing.

His pretty eyes blinked around your face and he licked his lips as his dick sat well within your wetness you saw a shift in him as he lifted a single eyebrow and narrowed his dark eyes.

He pulled out, sat up on his ankles, and in one fluid motion you were pulled into him by rough hands that gripped your thighs. The motion was so quick you felt your head spin as his hips moved, pushing into you hard enough to make you gasp.

“Is this what you need from me, baby?” He repeated the motion again, making you cry out from the crash. You could tell by his shaking voice and the trembling you felt in his hands that this wouldn't last. He had held out for too long already by the time he gave in to the tempest raging inside of him.

He was gone for a moment and you felt him grip you roughly and pull up. You were tossed onto your belly and he was lifting you up, onto your hands and knees and you complied quickly, raising your ass high into the air for him, you felt his fingers running along, down your spine where he reached your ass. He squeezed and pulled you into him.

When he pushed inside it was hard and fast and he leaned over you, reaching his hand out to the back of your neck. You felt fingers glide around to the front and he squeezed tight, cutting off the oxygen you had been gasping for desperately.

“Is this what you missed? Oppa fucking you so good, it hurts?” His low growls sounded out into the room above you and your dizzy mind swam with his hand squeezing down harder. When he let go it was to grip and squeeze around the flesh of your breasts.

The muscles in your legs were trembling and Minseok pushed through your walls tightening around him with a gasp.

“F-Fuck--” his thrusts grew staggered and shallow. “Oh fuck, you're going to make me cum,” he whined and your muscles contracted. You were powerless against it and you cried out when he dropped down and bit the back of your neck hard enough to leave a bruise.

“Do you want me to fill you up? Do you want my cum inside of you?” You were beyond answering him, but you managed a quick nod of your head and you tried to lift your hips higher into him.

“Look at you, so desperate for my cum, baby. Was there no one around to fuck you? No one to do this to you?” The heat in your skin was distracting and the fan did little to cool you. You felt like you could burst into flames at any minute.

“O-Only you, Minnie.” You turned your head from the pillow he pushed you hard into so he could hear your words and you caught the wicked smile that broke out on face. Eyes closed, head thrown back in ecstasy, Minseok grinned with his hands on your hips and his dick deep inside of you. He pushed inside deeper, flesh slapping hard against your thighs and you felt him stiffen all over as his fingertips dug in hard. A low grunt with his trembling legs sounded out and he was filling you with wet heat that mixed with your own wetness.

His eyes were opening back up as he pulled, pushing in again slower with teeth bared. His nostrils flared and he did it once more before the sensitivity caught up to him. He went still, wrapping arms tightly around you he fell down to his side and brought you with him into a tight embrace that still had much of the same desperation that had possessed you both since waking up.

His grip was tight, his lips and breathing still consuming every bit of you until a shift made him slip out of you and you felt the substantial wetness spread between your legs, spilling out onto his thighs and the bed, you winced at the mess you would surely find.

Despite what you knew about the almost obsessive standard of cleanliness Minseok liked to keep, he didn't even react. He was more preoccupied with ensuring that his lips touched every square inch of your skin at least once and when he rolled you over to get at the front of you, you had already begun to giggle from his thoroughness.

He smacked noisily against a particularly ticklish spot near your rib cage and you squirmed and lightly pushed him away.

“Oh, now you don't want my kisses?” He whined against your skin, going for the forbidden spot again with an increased fervor until you were forced to run your hands through his hair and pull him back up by his roots.

He was laughing and a quick dig of your fingertips below his armpit high on his flank made him recoil in an instant and cease his attack.

You knew exactly where Kim Minseok was the most ticklish.

Once you’d had a taste of it, you found it hard to resist snaking your hands back up his side to tickle him again and he quickly reached for both of your hands, pulling them securely inside his own as he watched you with a grin and a mischievous glint in his eye.

He had you now, and when he slowly dipped his head to nibble with his lips along your ribs you screamed and squirmed, trying to free your hands from his grip.

It was useless, he was too strong, but you managed to free a single hand, which he quickly tried to grab for. He lost both hands in the process and you were on him. The fight was on and the laughter was nearly incapacitating. If this wasn't a life and death situation, you might have given up easily, but Minseok was still on the attack, while simultaneously trying to defend.

Eventually, his desire to protect you from injury won out and you both ended in a stalemate. He held you securely with both of his arms wrapped tightly around your arms, and your legs were tangled around his waist, keeping him from bending down any.

He was breathing just as heavily as you were and you both stared into each other's eyes too on edge to fully trust him not to try again, yet unable to move without giving up the hold you had on him.

“One of us is going to end up crying if we keep this up.” He whispered over your head and you struggled against him once more, inevitably going limp when you were unable to break free from his hold.

A ringing sounded out from the nightstand and you flinched at the sudden sound that filled the room. Minseok rotated his torso with you still secured within his arm and craned his neck to see the screen.

“My mom's calling. Will you behave yourself if I let you go?” You considered for half a second longer than you probably should have before you nodded quickly and he cautiously released his hold from around your arms.

You felt sweaty and sticky and instantly wanted a shower and fresh clothes to wear after the sex and subsequent wrestling match.

“Oh, Mom--” Minseok spoke into his cell phone as he sat on the edge of the bed for a moment before he leaned back against the headboard, still very much naked and just a bit vulnerable. He listened with his eyes wandering around the room unseeing as you heard the echo of his mother’s voice through the earpiece.

You watched his face closely as he seemed to relax into his phone call. The corners of his mouth pulled up into a small smile and his eyes suddenly focused on you, making you just a little bit more alert than you had been through his distraction.

“She isn’t?” He responded to something she was telling him now his smile widened. “Hmm, I wonder what she could be doing that has her too busy to answer her phone...All morning long too? Wow.”

Your heart pumped your blood through your veins, flooding the capillaries just below the surface of your face and you felt the heat on your cheeks. You felt it travel down your neck as Minseok kept his eyes zoned in on you and seemed to ignore the rambling chatter you heard from his mother.

“Huh?--” something pulled him back in and he dropped his gaze for a moment. “Okay, I’ll give her a try. Maybe she will answer for me.” He was nodding now, silently agreeing to his mother’s plan of action and he waved his hand through the air as it to hurry the woman up through whatever it was she was talking about.

“Oh, Mom-- I think I hear my manager calling me, I’ll see you tonight okay?” She was still saying something when he ended the call and tossed the phone behind him carelessly onto the bed.

Minseok’s eyes were back in a flash and you yelped in surprise when he pounced on you, pinning you to the bed below his heavy arms so he could pepper your face with sloppy kisses. You tried to break free, tried to breathe through the assault, and tried to control the volume of your laughter.

“Mom wants us to come to dinner.” He said against your ear and you stiffened for a moment, very aware of his choice of words. Even more aware, your heart leaped up into your throat and thumped loudly enough for him to hear with his close proximity to you.

“Us, Minseok?” You couldn't help it. The word sounded so delightful paired with his name that you physically fought the urge to jump in delight or clap your hands in glee.

He ticked his head and puffed his bottom lip out and you bit down on your lip to keep your expression controlled.

“Well yeah, you are invited...and I am invited. Grammatically that is ‘us’ ...isn't it?” He was teasing. You could feel it. He must have sensed your excitement upon hearing the word. The big brother in him could never quite resist the urge to tease.

You screwed your eyebrows together and you pouted out your bottom lip. He saw it, of course, he saw. He was inches from your face when it happened and you watched the naughty smile on those lips fade before you.

“I'm teasing,” he began after a pause and his eyes changed with the nervous swallow you caught in his throat. He was sitting up, pulling you along with him and he reached for the t-shirt you had been wearing to bed.

You recognized this.  
He reached for his phone now. Straightening it up and placing it neatly on the nightstand. Next, he was grabbing his pants and pulling them up, all while avoiding your eyes.

This...this Minseok was cleaning up now. This Minseok was nervous. You definitely knew a spooked Minseok when you saw one.

“Hey,” he said suddenly, halfway through turning to leave with your panties in his hand. The man had your undivided attention. You couldn’t imagine any scenario in which he didn't have your complete focus when he was acting this way after saying something as tempting and mind-blowing as ‘us’.

“Yes, Minnie?” You were seated neatly on the edge of the bed with your hands in your lap and his shirt covering your torso. You eyed your panties in his hands and he realized what he held and quickly handed them to you before he worked up the nerve to continue with what he was about to say.

You tried your best to ignore the lump in your throat.

“A-About the ‘us’ thing--” the room spun now. You were absolutely sure that the spinning fan on the ceiling was the stationary thing in this universe and the rest of this bedroom was actually what was spinning. You were just along for the ride at this point.

“Do you w-want--”

A scream, unexpected and alarming in volume sounded out, loud enough to interrupt his words and pull his focus behind him, toward the door that led out to the hallway of the home.

_“Yah! Oh Sehun you asshole! I’m going to murder you!”_

You definitely felt like murdering whoever it was that interrupted this moment and the sheepish look on Minseok’s face when he looked back at you did little to calm the frustrations you felt coursing through your chest.

“Uhh,” he said a moment before the doorknob was rattling furiously.

“Hyung, open this door right now! Did you know about this?” The voice was louder than loud. Kim Jongdae was clearly in full rage mode now and you were certain it had something to do with a certain permanent marker you remembered from last night’s party.

“We don't know anything.” Minseok's finger was outstretched toward your face with wide eyes and he looked down at your bare legs briefly before he walked to the door, bare-chested but thankfully now wearing his sweatpants again.

He unlocked the door and peeked his head around the wood.

You saw him stumble backward as Jongdae pushed his way through, now wearing shorts and a t-shirt but legs very much still covered in various crude and obscene drawings.

“Jongdae, what's wrong?” Minseok was a pretty good actor. It almost felt believable if you didn't catch the weird hand signals he was shooting at you from behind his back.

What was he trying to tell you? To go along with him? It was a weird handwave that you didn't get. Since you weren't sure, you opted instead for silence.

Jongdae’s rampage halted the instant he caught sight of you sitting on Minseok's bed wearing only Minseok's shirt.

Minseok pivoted slowly, following his clearly surprised and wide-eyed friend into the room with a defeated sigh.

Jongdae turned to face Minseok after a long tense moment, with his fists balled tightly at his side and the muscles of his jaw tense as could be. He sure was wound very tightly.

“You left me out there all night so you could get some?” The whisper was harsh and much too loud for a private conversation that you weren't meant to hear.

Minseok squeezed his eyes shut before sighing deeply. You realized then that perhaps his mysterious hand signals were trying to tell you to get out of his bed, perhaps get into the bathroom or onto the other bed. Something that looked slightly less like a compromising situation than the one you were currently in.

But it was too late for that. Jongdae was too mad for reasoning at this point.

“What about the code, Hyung? Is brotherhood not sacred?” He ranted his way through the room, barely acknowledging your presence as he moved to the far side of the room and began rummaging through the closet for things.

“Jongdae.” Minseok’s voice sounded warning now. Serious and low, Jongdae barely budged from his task.

“No Hyung, I’m done. I’m done, it smells like sex in here, and I am covered in dicks. I’m done.” The room was definitely spinning in this place. This much you were certain of at this point. You kept your eyes downcast after that one. You were much too humiliated to look up and face anyone at all who might be interested in engaging you right now.

“Jongdae what the fuck--” Minseok sounded angrier now and Jongdae ignored him as he breezed passed with a night bag in his hands.

“I’m going to Minhee’s. Don't wait up for me. Not that you fucking would.” The door slammed shut and Jongdae was gone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

 


	12. Twelve

 

 

The slamming sound of the door echoed around the room after Jongdae left. Minseok’s back was tense and his hands were balled into tight fists at his hips and you could see the slow rise and fall of his shoulders as he inhaled a deep breath.  
  
“Shit,” you heard a soft curse echo between his face and the closed bedroom door and you fisted the shirt you wore that fell just at your upper thighs. The shirt that belonged to Minseok but no longer smelled anything like him, unless you counted the heady fragrance of the recent love that lingered in the air around his bed.

Your feet wanted to move. The pull to him was strong, to comfort him, to hold him and tell him that this little fight was nothing to worry about. An honest talk with his best friend and maybe a little steam would be let off and this would blow over.

You’d made it halfway to where he stood, his feet stuck deep in the flood waters of the dark mood that had come with Hurricane Jongdae when a soft knock sounded out on the door in front him.

He sprung to life, hand on the knob he quickly turned and pulled the door open.

A swell of hope tugged at your throat. Something similar to you caught a glimpse of in Minseok’s side profile. Perhaps Jongdae had reconsidered. Perhaps he was back to apologize for his rash behavior.

“Uhh…” on the other side of the door, standing in the hallway was a sleepy, shirtless (and very toned, damn these idols) Yixing, rubbing at his eyes and extending a pointed finger down to the floor behind him, where you were certain his bedroom door was located. You moved from your hidden spot near the bed, curiosity getting the best of you despite your very definite lack of pants below this borrowed t-shirt so you could see what Yixing was pointing at.

It was a lump of a man, parked in front of Yixing’s door, where he had only made it a few steps before he had fallen over in a ball, still holding the overnight bag he had packed in a whirlwind of emotion only moments before.

It was Jongdae, and he was crying.

“I think he’s still drunk?” Yixing asked with an upward inflection in his voice, as he turned back to look at the man who he had to step over while exiting his room.

Minseok took a few quick steps out of his room and hunched down on his ankles in front of his friend and you rushed to the door to see if there was possibly anything at all you could do to help. If you had been wearing pants, you would at least get a bottle of water from the kitchen and some aspirin for the headache Jongdae would surely have soon.

“Why are you still so mad at me, Hyung?” Jongdae was sobbing in nearly unintelligible words through the dramatics and his eyes were squeezed shut tightly. No tears fell, despite the sorrow you could hear in his voice. He was clearly aware of Minseok’s presence beside him and was speaking to him now. “All I did was fall in love. I’ve told you again and again how sorry I am. I didn’t intend to love her. I didn’t do this on purpose. When will you forgive me? It’s been a month already, I just want my best fucking friend back.”

“Why do you deny love Minseok? Why are you so against love? Why are you so scared of love?”

“Jongdae, let’s not do this here,” Minseok’s hands were on the man and he gave a futile tug on his forearms. The weeping man on the floor gave a delayed resistant reaction as he dramatically pulled his arms back from where Minseok tugged.

“Why does it always have to be a secret?” Jongdae shouted and your eyes drifted to Yixing who stood, much more awake looking now with his palm running over the back of his neck. The man caught your eyes and turned to quietly bow his head in your direction with a small smile. Your own mouth pulled into a matching grin and you pulled at the shirt you wore, making sure it covered as much of your bare legs as it could.

“Oh, hey, I like your shirt. Minseok has one just like it.” Yixing said as he took in the colorful design that contrasted off the black background of the t-shirt.

“It...uhh...is his shirt,” you said quietly, feeling just a little embarrassed at having to explain such a thing to this man.

The wheels turned in Yixing’s head and his smile fell just enough for his features change as realization hit him when an outburst from the hallway drew his attention back to the commotion between the best friends on the floor.

“I don’t care who knows it! I’m in love!” Jongdae had amazing lungs and his volume had reached new levels now. Loud and slurred. Dramatic and drunk, it was clearer now the more he spoke, just how drunk he still was. You heard a doorknob and saw movement further down the hallway. Black hair peeked around the door and you recognized Sehun, the man armed with the marker last night.

“Jongdae,” Minseok pleaded as he tried to pull at the man’s arms harder now.

“I’m in love and Minseok is in love! We are in love!”

You saw another face at the open doorway down the hall, a head below where Sehun watched with eyes wide in shock upon hearing Jongdae’s declarations of love, was Junmyeon.

“Wait,” Yixing was speaking now, furrowed brows and confusion in his eyes as he tried to make sense of the words Jongdae spoke. He lifted a hand and pointed his index finger toward the pair of men on the floor, wagging it quickly from one to the other. His mouth fell into an O shape. “So you two are—“

“In love!” Jongdae shouted, droplets of saliva, visible from where you stood at the doorway flew, landing somewhere on Minseok still tried to get Jongdae on his feet.

“Yeah! One love!” Sehun shouted from the other doorway and smiled wide with his fist held in the air at his chest. You covered your mouth to quiet the small laugh that erupted from your chest. At least the youngest of the group was accepting.

“He doesn't mean it like that,” Minseok mumbled with his fingertips resting against his forehead now. “He means he is in love with someone and I am … also-- but with someone else...”

“I am in love with my best friend’s sister.” Jongdae sat up straighter, his hands moving dramatically as he explained to the now, small crowd of onlookers, an unfamiliar face, a girl was peeking out with long black hair and smudged eye makeup, from Yixing’s open doorway, where Jongdae explained what he meant to say. “And my best friend is in love with his sister’s best friend.” He slapped both hands against Minseok’s chest and gave a shove, sending him off the careful balance he held on his feet, Minseok landed with a soft thud on his butt.

The faces of the men who watched the exchange went blank, a few eyebrows furrowing and Yixing, in particular, took on an expression of extreme confusion as he lifted a hand and ticked off some unknown list inside of his head on his fingertips. Shaking his head once before he attempted the riddle again.

“Wait so are you gay or not gay?” Sehun asked, his face still scrunched up in confusion.

“Not gay,” Minseok said quietly and Jongdae groaned something unintelligent from his spot on the floor, “he is dating my sister.”

“Ugh, boring,” Sehun said and spun to return back to the quiet of his room, leaving a blindsided Junmyeon standing alone at the doorway.

“I don’t get it. Who is the best friend?” Yixing whispered into your ear as if you weren’t directly involved in this huge mess.

“Jongdae and Minseok are the best friends. Jongdae is in love with Minseok’s sister and Minseok is in love with his sister’s best friend who is…” The girl at Yixing’s door, with the long black hair, who you knew from your memory of last night was the owner of the bunny tail you’d seen carelessly dropped amongst the feathers of Yixing’s black angel wings, was explaining in clipped concise words the mystery of the drama unfolding before their eyes. Only her explanation trailed off as she furrowed her brows and came up short with the name of the person who fit the final piece of the puzzle.

Of course, it was you. But you weren't about to announce to this entire condo full of kinda sorta strangers that it was you.

It didn't matter, because you felt the eyes of the sober people in the hallway fall onto you. You, the girl who came out of Minseok's bedroom dressed in nothing but his shirt. The girl who they had all seen together with him the entire evening, even sharing a passionate kiss with during the punishment round of a party game.

Yixing watched your face curiously. His eyes no longer held that adorable confusion you had seen all morning long, but something else. Something softer perhaps. The girl with the black hair leaned against the doorway and watched you openly. Not a trace of bashfulness in her features and your eyes trailed over the length of her body. She wore a plain white t-shirt and what you were certain were men’s boxers and you pulled your gaze back up into her face only to find a shift in her expression. She smiled and gave you a tiny nod of her head.

There were no secrets here. There was no judgment. There was only sincerity and understanding.

“Come on my hunny-bunny,” Yixing spoke up, his attention back on the woman at the door and her smile transferred easily to the man who moved away from you in the hallway, and began to make his way carefully over the slumped shoulders of a now snoring Jongdae and back into his bedroom. “Didn’t you say your mom wanted to skype later? We shouldn’t miss calls with your mom.”

His hands were on her shoulders as he pushed her back into the room, a strange comfort and familiarity were obvious in his actions and the woman giggled and responded to him softly in Chinese. His response was a giggle as their conversation continued privately in a language you did not understand.

“Wait, are you two--” you couldn't help yourself. You had been under the impression that the two had merely met the evening before...casual idol hookups and all.

“Dating?” Yixing supplied the word you had chickened out of saying. “Two years now.” He nodded with a grin.

“Two years and two months,” the woman corrected and his smile widened as he squinted his eyes and focused his attention squarely on her face.

“Eyy, come on, you know those first two months don't count. You rejected me so many times”

“I was just playing hard to get.” Their bickering brought a smile to your face.

Someone else in possibly an even more difficult situation than Minseok, with Yixing’s frequent work in China, with the fame, with the busy schedule; he had made it work.

It wasn't impossible for them.  
Why had it always been so impossible for you and Minseok?

“You should have just confessed--Just confess and make her yours. W-What are you so scared of? You--You just--” Your attention was drawn down to Jongdae who seemed to have reanimated when Minseok and Junmyeon had wrapped strong arms around his waist to haul him up off the floor. “--just fucking do it, man, don't you have any fucking guts?”

“Jongdae,” Junmyeon said softly on one side of the drunk man with the wide smile on his face and eyes closed as he talked.

On the other side of him, Minseok’s face was stoic and his eyes were cast down on the ground.

“Look, he just goes quiet,” Jongdae was laughing now and you could see the tension in Minseok’s jaw as the muscle flexed. “Chicken,” Jongdae threw salt on the wound and you took a step forward with pleading eyes on Junmyeon.

“Do you think maybe you can take care of him from here?” Your own hands were empty, yet you grasped in Minseok’s direction. You longed to shield him from it. You wanted to protect Minseok from those harsh words. Something in Minseok’s face must have startled you. Jongdae’s words had gone too far. Had touched too closely to the truth for you to stomach and seeing the blank, yet troubling expression on Minseok’s face filled you with worry for him. Perhaps a warm shower and a run could help the mood that had clouded his beautiful face. Perhaps after Jongdae had sobered up and they had a good honest talk—

“No, he’s right.” Minseok held the grip around Jongdae’s waist tighter and his voice spoke up loud and bold; uncharacteristic of Minseok to say the very least. “He’s drunk and he’s an asshole, but he's completely right.”

You dropped your hands, pulling down against the bottom hem of the t-shirt that left your thighs too exposed and your nervous eyes flashed around the hallway.

Someone from the kitchen was watching with wide brown eyes and a cup of coffee paused midway to his lips. Beside him, another set of even wider eyes leaned back on a bar stool. Chanyeol. Kyungsoo. Sehun from the doorway of that bedroom that he had disappeared inside earlier, met your eyes as you looked around and from behind Kyungsoo popped up a face briefly. Jongin’s eyes met yours for a split second, then disappeared with a tiny brush of fingertips along the shoulders of both men in the kitchen who, with the gentle reminder quickly averted their eyes. Quickly looked away from the spectacle. The temptation to look had been too much. Even you had to admit that.

The averted eyes had little effect. With the silence that fell in the home you were certain every single one of them was still listening and would be able to pick up even the smallest of whispered words between Minseok and yourself...should he decide to speak again.

One voice. One noisy, loud, booming voice that had been the source of much of the drama in this hallway had gone suspiciously silent.

Jongdae was quiet. His smile gone, his lips closed and his focus to his left where Minseok, his best friend stood motionless, wheels turning furiously in his head and a growing pinkness on his face.

“I’m sorry Jongdae,” Minseok said as he looked squarely into the man’s face, “I’m sorry. I’ve been unfair to you and acting like a hypocrite. You don’t deserve that.” Jongdae stared into his best friend's face for a long while, silent and deep in thought before he nodded his head twice and gave Minseok a small smile that seemed to start in his eyes.

“And I was actually going to do it,” Minseok spoke up again. A bit quieter than the outburst before and his face lifted, eyelids fluttering and that pink in his cheeks that almost made him look innocent. Those flitting eyes flashed to the man beside him, who stood up straighter on his own. Jongdae remained quiet.

Suspiciously quiet. You felt something strange in the air and you couldn't quite get the look of confusion off your face and that feeling out of your mind. That feeling that somehow this was no longer real. This felt like a dream.

There was something brewing inside you. A foolish hopeful fantasy that you wanted to reject before it could set in like a poison under your skin.

“Before you came in-- I was about to do it,” Minseok whispered to Jongdae beside him. Just loudly enough for you to hear and you shook your own head to clear the dream-like buzzing you heard inside your ears.

Do what? The hope surged up bright within your chest.

“Do it then,” Jongdae said quietly and you heard a distinct lucidity in that voice that prodded at the man with the pink cheeks and fluttering eyes.

Minseok sighed and closed his eyes. The next breath he took was deep and steadying.

“Do you want to date me?” His eyes were closed and he spoke quietly right beside Jongdae and at least five feet away from where you stood, not looking at you at all as he whispered his question to no one in particular, it seemed, based on his secluded and closed off body language.

There was a frustrated groan from Jongdae.

“For the love of God,” he grumbled and shoved roughly at the man standing next to him, sending Minseok stumbling forward three big steps, effectively closing the distance between the two of you.

The closeness brought along his face and those pink cheeks and those eyes that zeroed in on yours and why did he look so nervous? Why was your own heart doing weird somersaults against your rib cage? Why couldn't you bring yourself to look away from those eyes that were changing and brimming with raw honesty as he looked at your face and you felt the tips of his fingers as he reached, running lightly along the edge of your hand that hung lifelessly at your side?

“Do you?” He said and he inhaled a breath again, licking his lips once before dipping his head and closing whatever imaginary distance might have been left between your eyes and his eyes.

“Do you want to try dating me?”

“It’s going to be hard. We can’t do it openly and I will be gone all the time. We will spend more time missing each other than actually together and if anyone were to ever find out about us there would be stalkers and death threats to deal with. And even if things do go smoothly and settle into something nice and something comfortable, let’s not forget that my enlistment time is coming and I’ll have to go to the army and I’ll be gone for even longer then”

Your face frowned on its own.  
This sounded terrible.  
All of it sounded just terrible.

“Way to sell it, Minnie,” you mumbled and he closed his eyes tighter and with a wrinkle of his nose.

“But, I’ll do better--” he said with another step closer to where you stood, your voices now a hush; mere centimeters between your faces where no one else could witness this. “--I’ll do better for you, I’ll be all yours, only yours... like I’ve always been— but, but this time I won't hide it. I’ll give you the love you deserve, I promise I will.”

You wondered if they still watched. The silence persisted. Of course, they would, yet as the silence around you continued, the space between Minseok’s and your noses was loud. Louder than anything you had ever heard, or maybe it just felt that way with that heavy significance in his words.

“Minnie,” you began, a small grain of doubt still on your tongue. Leftover from that bitter taste that had sat there for months. Yet his eyes watched yours with the quiet intensity of a prayer.

“I just want to be yours,” he leaned again, reaching with both hands through the oxygen that separated your faces until you felt the tickle of his hair fall against your hairline. His forehead leaned against yours and his hands held your face.

“I just want to be yours--”

You could no longer see anything beyond Minseok.

“I want you to call me whenever you want to. I want you to touch me and kiss me and tell me when you miss me and when you want me. I just want to be yours.”

His fingers inched along your jawline, tickling down your neck to trail behind your ear, slipping into your hairline “--and you can be mine, if you want.”

He filled up your vision; too close and too blurry.  
The man was already rooted so deeply inside your heart he would never be fully extracted from its deepest chambers. The bits of him that you loved the most were now a part of your own soul. No wonder you couldn’t find a place for any other person in there.

At last, he filled up your mind, making the decision for you.

“Okay,” you said, nodding your head against his. He felt the movement and although you could not see it, you could feel that the small kiss he placed over your cheekbone was toothy before it was soft and damp.

Your mind was a flutter of emotions and his hands pulled at you, making you spin in place as he steered you back into his room. The brief moment when you spun you caught sight of the barren hallway behind you.

By the workings of some gracious individual, not a single soul remained to testify of your answer to his question. Not a single witness remained to eavesdrop on the start of this relationship.

Beyond the doorway was his warmth, his lips, and his skin. His promises filled you just as eagerly as his body did, and when all that was left was the heavy gasping for precious oxygen, and a comfortable hum into your ear, his arms held you closely to his bare chest and he sang a quiet tune into the quiet of his bedroom with not another soul around to disturb the melody.

Until the shower called to him, begging to be clean, always to be clean. It was just Minseok’s way. He pulled you inside the warm water with him and gave you a pair of black athletic pants to wear. You recognized them as his usual fare.

As difficult as the separation was, you pulled yourself away from the man who couldn't seem to keep his lips away from any bit of exposed skin he could find, and left to your own home to get ready.

You still had dinner at his mom’s tonight and you would be damned if you would show up there wearing a pair of Minseok's sweats.

You had yet to discuss exactly what would be said about you and him, if the relationship would be mentioned at all. It felt almost unbelievable that it had even happened and as you did your makeup and hair in front of your bathroom mirror, you could hardly keep the smile off your face long enough to apply two coats of mascara.

Would he say something?  
Would he, perhaps, make an announcement at dinner? A light clink of the silver fork against the side of a wine glass before he stood with his hand over his chest where his heart sang of its love for you.

“Finally.” Minhee would say as she rolled her eyes and smiled behind her napkin.  
And his dad, finally home from his latest business trip, would cough, wide eyed and genuinely surprised; he would shoot you a curious smile and a wink before glancing at Mrs. Kim.

Mrs. Kim…

Would she be gracious and accept the news? Would you ever see the kind of sparkle in her eyes that you saw when she spoke of Sohee, the beautiful, well bred, daughter of a famous businessman, directed at you? Sohee who had the impeccable upbringing and style she had always envisioned for her daughter in law? Sohee, the kind of woman who you simply...weren't.

Would she gasp in horror, her eyes wide and her mouth covered with a trembling hand?

Would she throw water in your face?

Or would she quietly handle the disappointment deep down inside. Would every look she threw in your direction be a stab at the lowly girl who weaseled her way into her family’s lives just to sink her jaws into her precious son, like a parasite whose rows of microscopic teeth were dug in too deep to smoothly extricate; the entire infected tissue would have to be cut out.

Your expensive, designer outfit was assembled, your hair was perfect and it framed the careful and tasteful makeup on your face that looked back at you, seeming just a bit bloodless despite the comfortable temperature in this apartment.

You reached for your blush brush, perhaps just another swipe would help your mood some.

A knock on your door interrupted the redundancy and you forgot the brush as the familiarity of the two soft knocks against the wood jumpstarted your heart beat like a spinning top.

He hadn't mentioned picking you up for dinner. Although he hadn't really done much with his lips other than the soft parting kisses as you left him behind in his bedroom and vacated that apartment before anyone else could make eye contact with you during your escape.

Minseok stood at your doorway looking fancy with his eyes down at his hands clasped together in front of his belt. As you pulled the door open his focus rose at a languid pace, beginning somewhere near the ground the sweeping a path up to your face.

His hair was styled. He had shaved the light stubble you had felt against your face after the shared shower and he smelled different. Something new to your nose. Something manly and heady with a familiar crisp cleanliness as a foundation. Gone was the casual sleeveless tee, black sweats, and black cap.

“You dressed up.” Your light tone pulled the smile to his lips and he ticked his head once, rolling it to the side to match the crooked grin that manifested on his face.

“So did you.” He matched your lightness and you tried your best not to get lost in the intensity you saw within his brown irises, or the appreciative way with which those eyes feasted on you.

Your feet lingered at the doorway for a second, the straight posture of his back told you that he was indeed only here to pick you up and you nodded once before turning to grab your bag and your phone, with just a hint of a nervous fluttering deep within your belly.

This wasn't your first time being inside his car. This wasn't even the first time he held your hand as he drove that car, but that didn't stop the rush of excitement when he reached for your hand and linked his fingers in between yours, pulling it up to kiss the back of your hand before settling them, still joined in the space between the seats.

Your lips were tight as you fought against the smile. He bit down lightly on his bottom lip and held it within his closed mouth as his cheekbones rose and bunched slightly.

Your heartbeat was a mess. This man and his little gestures had so much power. Even the adorable expression he held on his face as he tried not to smile, tried not to give in to the elation you could see on that face, was making your thinking fuzzy.

Did he know the profound effect he had on you?

Did you have a similar effect on him too?

Your curiosity burned and you gave in to the urge. When you moved his hand, you felt no resistance. Your lips sank easily against the softness of the back of his hand and you let your lips linger with the kiss, going so far as to close your eyes as you drifted into it. His hand was warm. His skin was smooth and you felt his fingers flex and tighten around your hand as you did it. You loved this man. You longed for his skin against yours and a quick turn of your face to touch his flesh to your cheek matched your temperatures.

There was a change in the rhythm of the car that pulled your attention from his hand.

Minseok's jaw was tight, a pinkness on his cheeks that made him look young and fresh and he was pulling the car off the busy street he had been driving on into an empty parking lot of a closed store.

What was he doing here? This was only halfway there, he still had another ten minutes of driving time for sure.

“What are you doing?” Your surprise made you drop his hand and the pinkness you saw in his cheeks was quickly covered by both of his hands as he closed out the world.

“Sorry, I--”

He stopped talking, the short mumble you heard below his hands was cut off by a quiet stifled laughter. Held in for too long and pushed down, his shoulders shook with the effort of containing it. When he dropped a single hand from his face, his face was pink. His eyes were screwed shut tightly and the smile on his face was as controlled as he could manage. He looked exactly like an over inflated balloon about to explode.

He undid his seatbelt while simultaneously putting the car in park and he was turning in his seat.

“I just need a moment,” he said with his back to you and you tried to swallow the shallow laugh that burst free from your lips.

The car rocked with his exit and the door closed loudly, leaving you alone in silence as you watched his torso from the driver’s side window.

You caught the spin. Light on his feet, he pivoted on the spot he stood before he dropped and vanished. Crouched down on his heels out of your line of sight. It only lasted for a second before the door was opening and he cleared his throat noisily as he climbed back into the driver’s seat of his car and buckled the safety belt. All the while avoiding your curious yet satisfied eyes.

“You okay?” He huffed out a quiet laugh.

“Yeah,” he said with tight lips, “I was just overwhelmed. I’m okay now. Totally fine. You can do things like that. That’s—“

He inhaled and exhaled through O shaped lips.  
“Why did I wait so long for this again?”

“Because you’re an idiot,” you said and you giggled when his brows furrowed and he narrowed his eyes briefly.

“Because I’m an idiot.” He nodded in agreement with a shake of his head and a laugh.

You didn't even bother fighting your smile. Not after that. Minseok was just as, if not more, affected by you, as you were of him. You'd never been so joyous to witness someone’s brief moment of weakness before.

He drove on in silence and he didn't reach for your hand again. Your own hands wrung together in your lap as your mind wandered over the many temptations of affecting Kim Minseok.

Maybe you could do it again some time. You decided that this dinner would be pretty fun after all.

Until you recognized the cobblestone pathway he turned down that lead to his home and the excitement in your belly shifted and changed, making way for the nervous tension you had felt while you were getting ready.

The problem with the unknown. You had no idea how his family, namely his mother, might receive the news, and the more your stomach fluttered with nerves the more uneasy the whole situation felt.

You and him hadn’t even been official for very long. Not even a full 24 hours and while yes you both had quite a history together, the fact was that this was all rather new to you. Did you really want to add an audience into the mix on your first day as a couple.

“Umm, about your family—“ you pushed the words out of your lips as he slipped his fancy car into the open garage bay that his mother always made sure to keep clear for his visits, “—about us,” you added lamely, realizing that you weren’t actually using proper sentences that made sense.

He turned to look at you and shifted the car into park, leaving the garage door open as the car idled in its place, he merely watched you with a blank face as you backtracked to find the missing word.

“Knowing a-about us, I mean.” He was watching you too closely and the expression on his blank face wasn’t giving anything away. Why was he so good at putting up a poker face?

“Do you not want me to tell them yet?” He finally said softly with what you were almost positive was a gloomy blue tint to his tone.

Whatever it was, it was well hidden. What you thought you might have seen was gone in a flash with the small shrug of his shoulders and the carefully quick way he averted his eyes from yours. The soft smile you saw in his lips erased any bit of what you may or may not have actually seen take place in his expression and you couldn’t help but smile too.

“We can tell them whenever you are ready.”

He cut off the engine, closed the garage door and exited the car, making some sort of magic happen as he appeared by your side in record time, grabbing ahold of the passenger door from you to pull it open and reach for your hand.

You knew the way through the spacious garage of the home well enough, having been with Minhee in here more times than you could recall, yet with Minseok at your side, with his warm hand holding yours, everything felt brand new.

When you reached for the door that opened up into a hallway near the kitchen, a soft tug pulled you back, seconds before you could turn the knob. You spun with a surprised grunt and saw his face, his smile, and his hands closing in quickly.

Minseok’s lips covered your parted surprised ones and he kissed you deeply and slowly. The kind of kiss that made your spine tingle and your toes curl and you felt the frame of the door that you couldn’t quite make it to in time pressed up against your back.

Over the front of your body was his warmth, firm and tense muscles laid over your softer parts that his hands enjoyed exploring as he kissed you like this. As his mouth took from yours; your tongue, your lips, your oxygen, his hands kneaded and explored until you felt hot fingertips slide around the small of your back, down your ass to the hem of the short skirt you wore.

When his fingers met skin you felt the rumble of the groan from his chest and he broke and kiss with a rough lift of those hands upward, digging hard into your flesh the man was quickly becoming too affected and unlike you, he wasn’t nearly as able to hide such an event.

“Tell me something, did you wear this fucking skirt tonight just to torture me or do you enjoy seeing me like this?” He stumbled back, as if kicked back by some invisible recoil.

“Well I don’t _not_ enjoy it,” you grinned as you answered honestly, if not a bit confusingly, through the labored breaths you took against his face. He honestly smelled incredible. You very much liked this new cologne of his.

His eyebrow ticked upward and the corners of his lips crept up. His eyes, dark enough to cover your head entirely should you choose to let yourself succumb to their depths, watched you closely for what felt like ages to your rattled mind.

His lips, already too pink and puffed from the heated kiss, lured you, calling to you to taste them again, despite the very real danger of doing this in his family’s home and you felt the pull of his eyes.

With him so close to you, so tempting, smelling the way he did and feeling the way he did, with his recent words dancing in your head—

_I just want to be yours._ His memory pleaded and your hands reached for him, claiming him for yourself. You gripped his shirt, probably wrinkling the fabric with as tightly as you clung to him and he stumbled into you, pulled roughly by your needy hands.

“I love you, Minnie,” you said against his lips moments before pulling him into you again. The kiss was needy. More so than before, you felt shameless in your need for him. If the old you could see this; Unapologetically making out with _The_ Kim Minseok in the garage of his family’s home, where anyone could simply walk in to catch you.

You should not have been surprised to hear the scrape behind the door at your back and the shuffling of slippered feet along the floor. You really should have known it would happen, but that didn't stop the dramatic gasp you took, and the rough way you shoved him away from you when you heard the door knob click as it was turned.

You pivoted, just in time to block the view of a stumbling Minseok from the opening door. Surely he understood what was happening enough to recover; perhaps wipe his mouth and assume some other position that wasn’t something that might be illustrated under the definition of _heavy petting_ in a middle school sex-ed book.

Your smile was instant and as wide as your eyes must have been and the startled yelp from Mrs. Kim as she stepped backward and clutched at her chest brought a noisy awkward laugh from your lips.

“Oh! Good lord, you startled me,” she said and took a moment to recover. When her eyes were closed you glanced behind you and caught the sight of Minseok shoving the sides of his dress shirt back into his slacks and pulling at his pockets and belt buckle in an attempt to conceal the obvious.

“Well look at what the cat dragged in. Why are you in my garage, dear? I expected to find Minseok. He didn’t drag you along with him did he?”

“Of course I brought her, Mom, you were about to issue an APB this morning when she wouldn't answer her phone.”

He answered for you, his voice steady and his breathing even. More so than yours might have sounded. You thanked the excellent condition of his lungs for that.

Despite your best efforts to keep your expression light, you could feel the heat on your face at the close call and you had to force yourself to bring your breathing under control.

“Well, what is taking you so long to come inside? I heard the garage door ages ago. What have you been doing in here?” There wasn’t a bit of accusation in her voice, yet the guilty run when no one pursues and you felt it deep inside your chest. Minseok’s face flinched and his mouth hung open in silence as he stared at his mother’s face.

“He was checking the tire.” Why was your voice so high sounding?

“The tire?”  
“The tire?” Minseok and his mother asked in unison, their expressions remarkably similar before he dropped the upward inflection in the end of his response.

“--was low.” his eyes were wide and he looked behind him at the very obviously perfectly inflated tires on his very new and very shiny car.

You snorted at the grimace you saw on his face and quickly covered it with a cough when Mrs. Kim looked back at you.

“Minseok, you aren't very good with cars. You should call roadside assistance.” Her voice had a sympathetic and understanding tone and his ears seemed to pinken before your eyes as he straightened out his shoulders and lifted his chin.

“What? I’m great with cars. I drive a car.” You could feel your nose wrinkle as you watched him lie through his teeth at the woman who simply shook her head in response. “I even fixed the tire, look at how great it looks.”

“It wasn’t actually low, Mrs. Kim. There was just a rock stuck in the treads.” You interjected. How in the world was the woman to believe that Minseok somehow re-inflated a flat tire inside this garage without a single tool required to do such a thing. When did he get so bad at this?

Your cover story hit a nerve and with his shoulders still held up too straight, and his chin high in the air he scoffed and crossed his arms over his chest.

You were pretty sure you saw a genuine glare in your direction and the shrug you gave him did nothing to soften his grumpy expression.

So you stuck your tongue out in his direction playfully, laughing when his eyes widened further. Of course you’d been playful with Minseok before, but honestly, it had never been quite this much fun before.

“Oh you two are just like brother and sister,” she said with a wave of her hand as she turned to exit the garage.

You felt a burn somewhere inside your chest and your mouth went dry with the metaphor. Minseok must have had a similar reaction because he was following her steps as she made her way past you to enter the hallway that lead to the kitchen.

“What? No way, we are not, nor have we ever been _anything_ like brother and sister.” His voice was high and his tone incredulous and when he brushed passed you to reach the doorway first, you felt pointed fingertips reach out and poke your ribs, making you jump and squeal in surprise.

You reached for him quickly, instantly needing retribution. Your swift steps behind him caught you up to his side and your fingers dug hard into the space just below his armpit. The space you knew would get him the most.

Shoulder to shoulder in the narrow hallway his fingers frantically tried to grab ahold of your attacking hands and your laughter echoed out, making Mrs. Kim turn briefly to glimpse the commotion.

“You’re exactly like brother and sister. Don't you remember when you were little? I used to have to break up these fights all the time.” She was far ahead in the kitchen now, checking on something that one of the housemaids was fixing at the stovetop and you’d made it into the opening of the breakfast nook with both hands grasped tightly within his and his arms secured around your shoulders.

It could have been considered an embrace had it not been for the murderous look in your eyes as you tried desperately to get your hands free for one more tickle. It was no use. He had you pinned almost completely and his breathing against your neck preceded the quiet whisper you heard into your ear.

“Just give up, or I’ll tell her you are my girlfriend and definitely not my sister.”

“I don't remember that at all, Mrs. Kim.” Your fingertips went slack, the muscles in your arms limp and useless as you gave up entirely.

He didn't let you go. You gave it a good ten seconds before you looked back into his face in question. He had sensed your lack of fighting enough to relax his grip some, but to the casual outside observer, the fight must have been still on. What other reason would he have for this full body embrace in his mother’s kitchen while she fussed with a flower arrangement.

“You two even used to take baths together,” she said into her hydrangea bush and the grip he held around your shoulders changed when his hands roamed lower, sliding around your waist now you felt your hands freed and you futilely tried to smooth out the wrinkles in your top caused by the scuffle.

“We still do,” he said lowly at your back in a clear voice, just loud enough for you to hear over the sounds of the pot being stirred on the stove.

He shouldn't have said such a thing right after freeing your arms. You quickly jabbed your elbow backward, aiming for his ribs, or his stomach, or anything that would shut him up, but it was too late. Mrs. Kim’s eyes were open and on the pair of you. He jumped backward at the contact of your elbow to his rib cage.

She wasn't speaking but she watched you. Minseok still laughed playfully from the teasing until he saw her eyes on you where you stood like a deer caught in the headlines under her eyes.

Had she heard him? Were the wheels turning in her head, connecting pieces of the puzzle now?

“Did you hear the doorbell?” She finally spoke up and her gaze which had been on you sharpened and focused very suddenly. She was wiping her hands on the terry cloth that laid on the counter top and grabbing the vase of flowers to take with her toward the entryway.

Your curiosity burned and moved your legs to follow. Gripping the vase with both hands she peered at the screen on the wall of the foyer and her face lit up in excitement and recognition.

“Oh! He’s early. I just love a punctual man, as I am sure you do as well.”

She set the flowers down on the table at the entryway.

“Who?” You weren't following her logic and while you weren't involved in the planning of this dinner, there usually weren't any guests other than yourself invited to these things.

“Your boyfriend,” she said with a light wave of her hand as she reached for the handle of the door.

“My what? I don’t have--”  
Minseok lingered behind you near the doorway, leaning against the wall with his hands inside his pockets and a tense look on his face.

“No, Mrs. Kim, you didn’t invite--” a flood of recent images flashed through your mind of him. Close up images of his face. His charming smile. The tall posture he held as he looked down at you with a look of sweet adoration and the feeling of his soft lips pressed up against yours in that quiet bar.

“Kim Kwangseok, It’s so lovely to see you again, darling.” The door was open and she was already grabbing his hand to shake it enthusiastically.

The room was spinning with the images and one particular memory flashed up hot like the splash of hot oil against your skin.

The last time you saw him, in your kitchen with your _long lost friend_ Minseok only recently returned, the jealousy you saw in both men’s faces and the way he leaned in to you, for Minseok to see that slow and deliberate kiss against your cheek.

You remembered now. You had promised to call him.

It was three days ago, yet it felt like it had been years with all that had transpired between you and Minseok. With all that had changed.

You had promised him, and you had definitely broken that promise.

Clutched behind his back you heard the crackle of plastic and kraft paper and he swung his arm around, presenting Mrs. Kim with a bouquet of flowers.

Her face was alight with delight and you felt like the oxygen had been sucked out of the room. Somewhere behind you, amidst the chaos in your mind, Minseok was watching this man enter his home like a shark waiting for the moment to attack. Somewhere behind you, you had left what was left of your sanity, because here, where you stood was nothing but chaos

“Kwangseok,” you said in too soft of a voice. The tremble was unavoidable, you could hardly keep yourself from running out of the room and the effort involved with keeping your feet steady on this marble floor was bound to have some aftershocks.

“There she is,” he said from the doorway and he was coming inside. Moving in closer to where you stood like a hostage held at gunpoint, “Hey, beautiful.”

The hug was one sided. You couldn’t get your arms to work, not with Minseok watching. Not with the love of your life, the man you had promised yourself to, having to be here for this nonsense.

“Oh, hey Minseok, it’s nice to see you again, man.” Kwangseok was casual and the mention of his name made your eyes seek him out instantly.

His face was blank, well rehearsed and well controlled.

You wanted to touch him. You wanted to put the life back into his eyes. You wanted him to smile and to light up the way he had when he was touching you moments earlier and you felt the crushing weight of the reality you had now put yourself in.

The sheer gravity of this situation was pressing down from above.

The truth was so heavy. How in the world had you simply forgotten about Kwangseok? How had you never once considered the fact that your on again off again, kinda sorta something -- guy -- who sent you flowers often, called you and texted you and invited you out for drinks and dinner and kissed you goodnight with the best of intentions and genuine affinity for your company, that he -- HE -- would have absolutely no idea about your very sudden, very new, very loved and crafted and cared for relationship with Minseok. He would have no way of knowing that this was the new reality and that unfortunately he would be cast aside.

You hadn’t had a chance to talk to him.

This was all happening too fast, too sudden, too desperate and now Minseok had gone blank, even as Kwangseok stood six inches taller than him, holding a hand out for him to shake you could feel the absence of the real Kim Minseok in the room.

“I’m sorry I forgot something in my car,” Minseok said softly, refusing to look down at the extended hand in front of him, he turned on his heels and was gone.

Kwangseok closed his hand with a small pout on his lips. “I guess I’ll greet him later.” He shrugged with a grin in your direction that you didn’t return.

 

 

 

 

 

 


	13. Thirteen (Final)

You hadn't seen Minseok since he left you behind in the foyer. Since he’d shirked off Kwangseok’s greeting, claiming to have left something in his car and disappeared.

You hadn’t seen Minseok since his eyes went dull and the smile left his face at the sight of the other man standing before him.

Here you sat in the sitting room, wishing you were doing anything but this maddening sitting because he hadn't come back yet.

It had been fifteen minutes, maybe thirty, maybe an hour, who knows with the casual way Kwangseok was speaking to Mrs. Kim about god knows what. You couldn't focus on a word out of his mouth with your ears focused on the entryway. You listened for him in vain. There was no sound coming into this room. Only the light laughter of the older woman and the booming voice she was enamored with.

“Excuse me, I’ll just be right back.” You could not stand it any longer. You felt like you were going to explode with each passing hand on the big grandfather clock that chimed in the corner of the room.

“Of course, Darling,” Kwangseok said with a disarming smile and Mrs. Kim swooned from her arm chair.

You followed the familiar pathway through the kitchen to the garage with swift moving legs and as light a step as you could manage. It was easier without you slippers, so you left them behind and made your way into the dark garage.

It was still and silent inside; not a trace of the face you sought out.

Your next guess was his bedroom and you were halfway there, moving back through the kitchen when you heard it. A soft sound like a sigh coming from within the empty kitchen — no, the pantry off to the side of the stainless steel refrigerator.

You stepped lightly beside the counter, careful to check the hallway that led to the dining room for signs of the housemaids who were getting ready for the dinner.

When you leaned your head against the pantry door, planting your ear flush against the wood, a low throat clearing sound that echoed through the wood was as good a signal as any. You reached for the door, pulling it open just enough to slip through the opening and closed the door silently behind you.

MInseok's eyes widened with the intrusion before the recognition that flashed through his face and pulled his eyelids down with the breath of relief that escaped his chest.

“Minnie.” Your whisper ghosted through the heavy silence of the small space, “What are you doing in here?”

His eyes blinked quickly as his focus danced across your face. The tension in his eyes ate at you slowly and you wanted to touch him. You wanted to ease whatever worries might be floating behind those eyes. Wanted to tell him just to wait a little while. Wait a little while longer so you could talk to Kwangseok in private and so you could fix this mess.

“I’m,” his shoulders slumped and his focus fell down to something behind you on a shelf, “—I’m working up the nerve.”

“The nerve for what?”

“To be your secret.” His words were a whisper and his eyes still looked down and away from yours.

The space between his eyebrows was creased and when he finally looked up into your face again his cheeks were flushed.

“I—“ he began in a low voice and stopped himself as he worked his jaw back and forth. “—is this how you felt? All this time? God, this feels like shit.”

“Min—“ the frustration on his face darkened his eyes.

“I hate this. How could you stand it? How could you stand me for hiding you away like— like us being together was something dirty and wrong?”

“Minnie, you know that’s not what I’m doing, the timing is just so messed up.” When you reached for his hand, he didn't retreat. The gloominess in his eyes wasn't touched by your fingertips and he pulled his bottom lip in between his teeth, worrying the flesh lightly before his eyes closed again as he sighed.

“What will you do?” You could see the struggle on his face. Minseok was working through it, you could feel it happening as his chin lifted some and the pink in his face began to even out.

“About...uhh—“ he broke the eye contact with you again and you angled your head to try and catch his eyes again. “K-Kw—“ the pink was back again.

“Attorney Kim did nothing wrong, Minnie. I’ll talk to him in private and let him know that I’m not—“ why was this so hard to say? It felt so new and so foreign coming from your own lips

“Not interested,” he spoke up, his eyes dancing around your face again, “not available, not single, not—“ he stopped himself with a single breathy laugh. You doubted he found anything actually funny, but his own reaction seemed to be amusing to himself. “I sound crazy don’t I?”

You bit down on your lip to keep the smile from taking over, but he noticed the tremble in your lips.

“Why do you think I was hiding in here? I’m stopping myself from doing something stupid. It was either this, or I was going to go into the backyard and dig a hole to put him in.” The quiet laugh broke through your careful cover and you clasped a hand over your mouth to silence yourself.

“And I don't think that would be the smart thing to do,” he continued at a slightly higher volume and your focus heightened to a sound you heard on the other side of the pantry door while he was talking.

You leaped toward him as the sound you heard changed and became more defined. It was the sound of conversation, two people talking as they moved into the kitchen and you recognized the coy giggles of Mrs. Kim. Your eyes were wide on his and his own eyes widened in alarm as your hand clamped firmly over his mouth, silencing his voice and covering his body with the warmth of your own as you did it. You pushed against him, making his legs move with yours to any spot that wasn't directly in view of that doorway should it swing open.

Your heartbeat thrummed noisily inside your chest and Minseok’s wide eyes watched you, the warmth of his breath blew over your hand from his nose as he breathed steadily. After a moment when the silence in the pantry settled over both of your heads and the sounds of conversation on the other side of that door didn't ease up.

From the sound of it, Mrs. Kim was giving Kwangseok a tour of the home and you pushed yourself up against Minseok’s body, which was hidden now just behind where the pantry door would open, should she choose this as part of the tour. Who cares about a pantry though. It wasn’t likely, you prayed it wasn’t part of the tour. How would you even begin to explain the both of you being inside here?

His jaw moved below your hand and you loosened the hold over his mouth when you felt his hands wrap around your waist and tighten. He pulled you into himself. It felt like overkill, you were already as close to him as you could be in this tiny space, yet he held on tighter to you.

Your mind was drifting. Despite the steady chatter on the other side of the door where Mrs. Kim went off on some tangent about interior design and the man in the room with her ohh-ed and ahh-ed on cue, your mind drifted deep into your memories.

Minseok’s eyes seemed to be changing as he watched your face in the deafening silence of this room and the sound of his breathing seemed heightened to your ears.

You weren’t making things hard for him, were you? With your hand here blocking his lips. You could release your hold any time, he knew when to be quiet after all.

That look in his eyes was sending a wave of warmth through you, or maybe it was the hold of his hands against your waist and the way your legs fit over his parted thighs.

You pulled your hand away slowly and the stickiness of your palm released the flesh his lips with some resistance, as he half blinked his eyes and slowly darted his tongue out to lick his lips.

Mrs. Kim laughed, yet Minseok didn’t react as if he heard anything at all. He simply watched your face with a darkening in the irises of his eyes.

The warmth of his chest against yours felt stifling. It felt too dangerous and too tempting and you shifted your balance onto your other foot, the one that didn't sit between his parted legs.

Your movement was microscopic and short lived. He felt it and his hands moved, pulling hard against your waist he shifted and pulled you into him again, tighter and closer and you let out a silent gasp of air when you felt him exhale a slow breath against your face. Your lips warmed with it and the tip of his nose touched lightly against your cheekbone.

He moved at an aching pace, his nose brushed against your face and with the lightest touch of his lips against your cheekbone he breathed through the exploration of your skin with his mouth.

Your scalp tingled and you felt goosebumps erupt over the back of your neck and the smallest whimper escaped from the back of your throat.

“Do you remember our first kiss? In here?” his whisper was nearly silent and directed into your ear. A low whisper of a lover who was acutely aware of how affected you were by him. Your only response was the trembling breath you inhaled.

“I couldn't believe I actually did it,” his voice found only you, “you tasted so fucking good, it was all I could think about for days.”

You risked a glance at his face. With as close as he was he was a blur but you could make out the shape of his eyes, dark and affected. He was watching your face and you felt the struggle in trying to keep yourself completely silent with him telling you these things and doing these things, his hands were traveling now, moving lower, searching for your skin below the short skirt you wore.

“I wanted more. I always want more of you. It’s never enough.” Your lips parted in a silent half gasp when you felt his fingertips brush between your legs and you couldn’t help the way you moved into him. You craved the friction you knew you would feel from his traveling hand that rested just over his thigh which you shamelessly straddled. He cupped his hand upward, slipping aside your panties and you closed your eyes into the overwhelming wave that coated your head and moved down your body, making you dizzy. Making you gasp and moan quietly.

“Shh,” he said softly against your lips and you shook your head in protest. How in the hell were you going to be quiet with his hands on you like this? You felt heat building inside your belly. A similar heat that coated your face and head and his fingers moved over your center steadily.

You must have made another noise. Your focus was waning and the tension in your belly was building too quickly for you to keep your mind intact. He cursed to himself, a soft testimony that matched the heat of his erection that he ground against your thigh, searching for much of the same friction that you sought out.

“You have to be quiet,” he said into your ear a second before his lips moved over yours, cutting out the noises you had been letting escape from his mouth.

This kiss made the desire worse. He kissed you carefully and slowly, too slowly for the amount of lust that coursed through your body, perhaps he did this on purpose in some vain attempt at self-control.

Your ears sharpened to the quiet you now heard from the kitchen. The voices had left behind only the quiet labored breaths from within this room and you let your hands wander. The low groan that sounded out into the kiss wasn’t yours this time. You rubbed a palm over the heat between his legs and you could feel his careful resolve crumbling within your hands.

It was your turn to shush Minseok when you popped the button of his slacks and pulled at the zipper. It fought against the pressure in his pants and you reached inside seeking the warmth of his skin.

“I think they’ve left,” your whisper was as bold as a flipped light switch in a dark room. You felt the cool smoothness of his teeth as he smiled into your mouth moments before those teeth sunk into the flesh of your bottom lip. The suction of his mouth pulled hard and your hand paused it's motioning around his hardness; temporarily blinded by the shift in his pace. This kiss was less controlled, more demanding and you could feel the very real danger of what was about to happen in the walk-in pantry a house full of people. Was that the doorbell? Who else could be here?

“Can I trust you to be quiet while I fuck you?” His voice was back. Darker now, and louder than the careful ghost of a whisper that tormented you before.

“M-Minseok, this is—“ of course it was a bad idea. There was no reality in which secret sex like this was a good idea, but his hands had pushed your panties down to your knees and the muted sound of his slacks slumping down sent a fresh wave of desire.

“Tell me to stop and you know I will,” he growled in your ear and your eyes rolled when you threw your head back, feeling your desire taking hold of your logic and making your knees slip closer together, you shifted your hips so those panties could fall to the floor.

Minseok was strong, his arms tensed and wrapped around your waist, lifting you and you felt the cool sheet-rock of the pantry wall against your back. Your legs moved, wrapping around his waist and he held you up, braced against the wall at your back and the shelves that held the graham crackers and marshmallows at one side, the pantry door to the other.

This was such a bad idea. His warmth and his touches, the demands of his mouth and the pressure of his dick against your center that filled you up, clouded your mind and made you forget about every other distraction in your life that wasn't Kim Minseok.

Nothing mattered except him. His hips pushed into you as his arms supported you and you gripped tightly around his shoulders, pulling him as close to you as you could as the needs took over. The quiet frenzy felt beyond both of you. The spirit of lust had taken hold of your senses and he grunted quietly into your ear as he pushed into you again and again. When it became too much his lips closed over your mouth, swallowing away the sounds you both made in the height of it with his breath taken from your own lungs. The tightness inside your belly was coiled tight and ready to snap when you felt him stiffen as his pace staggered and he pushed again, harder, rougher into you when the waves crested and swallowed you both entirely.

The trouble came during the dizzy comedown from the high. His face rested against yours and the steady in and out of his ragged breathing fanned against your neck as his hair, now fallen out of place, tickled against your forehead. You must have reached too far when he set you down, your legs weakened and his arms released you and you swung out far, knocking against the shelf you both heard the clang of boxes and cans that fell to the ground, making your heads spin with the sudden sound as you both scrambled instantly to cover yourself. Your panties laid at his feet still but, you quickly lowered your skirt when he slipped out of you to pull his pants closed as quickly as he could.

He was down on his heels, grabbing the cans that rolled near his feet and you saw him reach a hand down and pocket your panties just as the door behind you both swung open.

“You dummy, I told you not to try and reach for the top shelf like that— just look at the mess you made.” Minseok was speaking quickly, scolding you in his most convincing admonishing tone as he reached for another can with a blush on his cheeks, swollen pink lips and messed up hair.

“Mess I made?” Your voice was defensive and perhaps a bit too loud for the tiny room you filled, but the panic had set in and you reacted on instinct. He replaced the cans quickly and you looked up into the curious eyes of Mrs. Kim who peeked her head through the open doorway. He sold it well, huffing in annoyance at having to gather up and replace each can on the shelves as if it was the last thing he wanted to be doing right now.

“Wait a minute...d-dummy?” You didn't have to act out your irritation at his choice of insult. He’d only ever called you a dummy once before when you were in middle school and he was the older, cooler high schooler who teased you about some mistake you made on a homework assignment he was helping you with at the time. You had been so upset at his teasing that you didn't speak to him for a week until he apologized and admitted that you were and always would be at least two times smarter than he was. The memory spurred by the insult was a sore subject and his eyes widened at your repetition of the word as he looked at you with his lips parted and a slight paling of his cheeks.

“Who’s the dummy who wanted to eat marshmallows before dinner?” You reached for the bag of giant-sized camping marshmallows and ripped at it, pulling out one of the huge white puffs of sugar you reached him before he had a chance to close his mouth and stuffed it inside with your fingertips. He made a muted and muffled sound and you heard Mrs. Kim giggling from behind the doorway as she made some comment about the two of you to the others who had followed to see what all the commotion was about. You recognized Minhee and someone else who stood just behind her.

If your story was going to be sold, you really played up the annoyance well. The look in Minseok’s eyes as you spun on your heels to exit should have told you that he would also play the role to the best of his abilities.

He reached a hand up for the marshmallow that half hung out of his mouth and bit down. Gone was the chagrin from a few seconds ago, this look was just dark enough to make you run. This was the kid with the water hose who chased you around the backyard as you screamed that you didn't mean to break his lego figure. This was the Kim Minseok who caught you on your birthday and shoved a cupcake in your face because you had pushed his own face into his cake the year before after he blew out the candles.

You bolted when you saw that look. What business did he have with this vengeful expression in his eyes only second after he came inside of you with whispers of his never-ending love and adoration in your ear? All of a sudden, because of one stinking marshmallow, the chase was on.

Minseok moved quickly, armed with half of the giant marshmallow and he reached you faster than you thought he would, halfway between the pantry and the oven, but well into the kitchen, you felt one strong wrap around you as he shoved the very wet and sticky marshmallow between your lips. You were already laughing with your escape and your open mouth tasted the sweetness and very unsettling sensation of the wetness from his mouth on your tongue.

“Oh come on now. You were the one who wanted to eat these before dinner. You know I’m weak. I always give in to your urges, honey.”

“Minseok.” Mrs. Kim’s voice had a warning tone and he looked up with his amusement still written well on his features. You looked up as well, chewing and swallowing the stupid wet marshmallow with a scowl.

“You shouldn't play this way with her. It’s not appropriate. No matter how comfortable you two are, she is still a woman.” Her scolding was pointed and clearly for the benefit of the tall man who stood leaning against the kitchen entryway with his arms over his chest and no traces of that charming smile on his handsome face.

“Oh, all of a sudden she's a woman? You were just saying she was like my sister before he showed up.” He grumbled under his breath and Mrs. Kim clenched her jaw down with a serious look in her eyes in her son’s direction. Kwangseok, who you only now noticed, was standing just off to the side. Just enough to watch the entire exchange with a blank and controlled expression on his face.

Behind Minhee you watched Jongdae emerge, his eyes wide on the group and a rough look to his skin, dark circles under his eyes and a slight green-ness that you just happened to be privy to the source of.

At least he wasn't drunk anymore. He kept his mouth shut from where he stood beside Minhee and you noticed the way she reached behind her to hold on to his hand when she silence grew to near unbearable levels in the kitchen.

“Oh hey Hyung! I drove Jongdae over and your mom said I could stay for dinner.” A jovial voice spoke a bit too loudly as it’s source stepped into the kitchen. Sehun smiled widely at everyone in the room and you could feel the tension break just enough with his arrival. Just enough for Minseok to nod his head at his bandmate and friend, and Kwangseok to turn to greet Sehun with a surprised and somewhat starstruck grin on his face. He had a similar reaction to Jongdae who smiled his bright smile at him.

“Your friend came, with Minhee’s boyfriend.” Mrs. Kim was speaking to Minseok now, her tone softer after the brief upset and Minseok looked into her face with eyes widening marginally.

 

“You knew they were dating?”

 

“Of course I knew. You think I wouldn’t know when my own child is in love?”

 

Minseok stared into his mother’s face with his mouth open, his eyes blinking, and his lips dumbstruck before he inhaled a deep breath and stared off into the void of space above the woman’s head, looking just about as green as Jongdae did.

You were pretty sure he left his body for a moment.

His focus was pulled to Jongdae and Sehun who closed in on him and you found yourself drifting to the side of the group, wondering how long it would take for him to give you back your panties so you could feel just a little more comfortable around this many people.

“So you and Minseok seem to have...grown closer in these last few days.” The voice came from above your head and behind you and you turned to find the tense, definitely forced smile of Kim Kwangseok.

“Kwangseok, I actually wanted to speak with you, uhh—” you said.

You found this room too crowded, found the difficult words you wanted to say much too private for this exact moment, and the distraction of the mess between your legs and your mounting guilt the longer he looked at your face and chewed on his bottom lip as if something was definitely bothering him, made you stop whatever you thought you could do right now.

Because you couldn’t. Not now. Not in this house surrounded by all of these people when the table was being set at this very moment and Mrs. Kim was herding people into the big fancy dining room.

You lingered behind. Kwangseok lingered behind and he watched your face, obviously expecting you to say something. He had been good at reading you after all. That had been part of the initial attraction, and the month that you spent with him, you found him to be an excellent listener.

“You never called. I waited.” He spoke softly, beside you and you winced when the guilt of your broken promise, something as little as one phone call you couldn't even give him, hit you hard in the gut.

“I know, I’m sorry, I—“ the excuses got piled up like dominoes on the tip of your tongue and each one felt false, fake, and flimsy, yet wouldn’t budge.

“You forgot,” he said. The harsh judgment slid right out of his lips like his mouth was lubricated with the hours and days he spent waiting for your promised phone call. How could something so blunt and painful come out of his mouth so easily? You could see wrinkled the lines of disappointment lining his mouth and when he finally broke the intense eye contact with you, it was with a glance toward the dining room.

You followed his eyes and found Minseok’s eyes.

Of course, he would be watching you and Kwangseok.

“I have to say, I was relieved when Mrs. Kim told me you wanted me here at this dinner.” His voice sounded smaller than the size of him when he said it and you felt as if you’d been struck dumb.

Your stomach was reeling and you needed to get to the bathroom to clean yourself up. The longer you stood here with Minseok’s sex between your legs, and the suffocating cloud of lies surrounding Kwangseok swirling over your head, the more disgusted you felt with yourself.

“Excuse me, I need to use the bathroom. Why don’t you go ahead, Attorney Kim.”

His eyes flashed back to you with the formality and you saw something flame in his eyes that looked more like hurt than anything you had ever witnessed on his face. His lips parted, and he watched your face, with furrowed brows of confusion and his feet firmly rooted on the kitchen floor. You pulled your focus down from the pain you saw in those brown eyes.

You had already said it. You didn't need to go back now. It was hard enough to get it out, to begin with, if you caved to his face you’d ever work up the rest of the nerve needed to do this.

This was just the beginning. Things would get a lot worse before they were over and tonight was going to be a long fucking night.

You turned and left. As you rounded the corner, headed toward the bathroom that sat adjacent to Minhee’s room, you passed it, heading first to your best friend’s bedroom to steal a pair of her underwear.

The water ran down the drain of the porcelain sink and you stared into your own eyes reflected in the mirror. Kwangseok’s face surging through your mind with his smile and his strong posture, shifting rapidly into the pain and betrayal you had only glimpsed tonight. It didn't take much for your imagination to take his face all the way there. You knew how he would look when you told him the truth.

You knew he liked you more than you liked him. You had let him like you. You soaked it in with reckless abandon while you needed the affection and you gave him no reason to doubt that you’d come around one day. You had kissed him. You laughed and flirted and touched him and you did it all without ever really meaning it.

You knew you were the bad guy here.

Your arrival in the dining room brought you to the front line of it. Taking the detour had been a mistake. What you should have done was sit down at the table first and let the rest of them sort out their seats. Now, as you approached the table you could see the monumental choice that was displayed before you.

On one side, with an empty seat beside him, sat Kim Minseok. His eyes found yours as you approached. You only let them hold you for a second before you had to look away.

On the opposite side of the table, facing Minseok, was Kwangseok with an empty seat beside him. He didn’t look up at you as you approached. His focus was on the blank wall above Minseok's head.

The others were seated, Sehun beside Jongdae, beside Minhee, with both of Minseok’s parents adorning each head of the enormous and elaborate dining table.

You honestly didn't know what to do.  
Running wasn't an option, despite how tempting it looked when it teased you from the back of your mind.

You had already chosen Minseok to be with, but only half of the people at this table knew that.

You just had to get through one dinner.  
Then you would talk to Kwangseok. Then it would be over and you would figure out how to tell Minseok’s mom.

But which seat should you take? As you made your approach you did it head on, careful not to sway too close to either side of the table you simply walked forward, toward Mr. Kim’s back and well within the eyesight of everyone at the table.

When Mrs. Kim looked up into your face, you felt a distinct pull as she raised her hand, directing you like a puppet on a string and your balance shifted as you began to move where she expected you to.

You did not look into Minseok’s face.

“I invited Sohee,” Mrs. Kim spoke to Minseok and you felt a new crisp heat prickle the skin of your face, “but I don't know if she will come. It’s getting late now and she isn't one to be tardy.”

“She won't come,” Minseok said with a flat certainty in his voice.

You stood behind the empty seat back and the man who occupied the spot beside quickly stood and pulled out the chair for you. You sat down just as the chair was pushed in and when you looked across the table, Minseok watched your face.

His expression was unexpectedly soft, and the corner of his lips lifted in the smallest smile that only lasted for a split second.

“She might come,” Mrs. Kim said with as much delusional hope as you expected her to still harbor and Minseok sighed a long labored, chest moving sigh before he lifted his water glass and took a long drink.

“She and I don't speak, Mother. Not since the dinner where she slapped me, stormed out of the restaurant, and went home in tears because of what I had done,” He set the glass down and dabbed at the corner of his mouth with his napkin. “So no, she won't be coming.” His words ended in short clipped syllables that sounded like shots fired in the distance.

They were designed to reproach the woman for her meddling ways and they served their purpose well. Mrs. Kim’s face blanched and she looked down at her hands folded in her lap. Minseok swallowed away at nothing and his face grew a shade pinker when he glanced in his Mother’s direction. The shame on his face was evident and you knew he wanted to take the harsh truth back as soon as he had said it.

The silence in the dining room was a thick fog. You couldn’t see anything in front of your face aside from the gold leaf wine glass filled with frosty ice water and the drop of condensation that ran down the outside, growing in size as it fell too slowly.

“What is happening right now?” From the other end of the table, you heard the softest whisper from Sehun, directed at Jongdae who shot him a warning look designed to quell any further questions the man might have.

“Oh, I think that’s enough of that, Kim Minseok.” A low voice from the other end of the table spoke up and Minseok looked up into his father’s face for a second before he dropped his eyes down to the table in front of him. “You know your mother means well.”

“Honey, how about we let the children sort out their own love lives and just eat dinner.”

“I just want him to find love. That’s all. He works so much, what if—what if he goes his whole life without love?” The longer she spoke, the thicker her emotions grew and you could hear the definite tremble in her voice.

Minseok closed his eyes and exhaled.

The salad was served and he looked down at the dish in front of him with his jaw clenched and his lip held between his teeth.

Beside you, Kwangseok cleared his throat and stabbed into the dish as soon as Mr. Kim did and you noticed the others around the table slowly began to eat. You picked up your fork and poked at a piece of lettuce, unable to bring yourself to do anything with it other than pushing it around the plate. Not with Minseok sitting there not eating. Not with the mood, he was in and the dark shadow you saw on his face.

Eventually, you gave up on the lettuce and settled on sipping on your wine. Perhaps that would help your nerves some.

“What if I am in love already? Will you drop this if I told you that I have a girlfriend?” He spoke up so suddenly that you sputtered into your wine glass and a little bit dribbled down your chin as you put the glass back down on the table.

All around the table, eyes were on him and the quiet whispering between Sehun and Jongdae that you had caught only the edges of, stopped altogether.

Everyone sat shocked and motionless except for Sehun, who simply ate the dinner roll he had in his hand.

“You have a girlfriend?” Mr. Kim was the first to speak and Minseok’s eyes carefully avoided yours as he looked back and forth between his two parents.

“Who is she? Why haven’t you introduced her to us?” Mrs. Kim emotional tremble was gone. She sounded too excited at this sudden revelation.

“They just started dating today,” Sehun said from the end of the table as he chewed on his bread and Jongdae lifted a hand to cover his forehead. Beside him, Minhee shrunk down in her seat and reached for her wine glass.

“What? Was it a secret?” Sehun noticed the chilly response to his information and he grumbled into his glass of iced tea. “He said it first.”

“You have a new girlfriend? Just today? Minseok—“

“Mom, I’m not really comfortable talking about it right now,” he said and he really did try his best not to look across the table at you and Kwangseok.

You still caught a brief glance in your direction.

“Well—“ Beside you, Kwangseok stood up suddenly, sending a surge of genuine panic through your chest. You saw him lifting his wine glass toward the man who sat like a beautiful stone statue across the table from him. “—Congratulations on your new relationship. I wish you both, all the best.”

You couldn't help but notice the dramatic differences in moods here tonight. Kwangseok, Mrs. Kim, even Mr. Kim all held their shoulders just a little bit higher, while the rest of you felt positively weighed down by the truth that sat like boulders over each of your heads.

Mrs. Kim quickly reached for her own wine glass and on the other end, Sehun and Mr. Kim lifted their glasses quickly.

An echoing “Here here!” Sounded out to you and you watched your own wine glass keep its place on the table in front of you. Minseok stayed frozen in place and refused to look up to meet your eyes.

You waited it out.

It was one dinner. One hell of an uncomfortable and awkward dinner, sure, but one dinner nonetheless. You could survive one stupid dinner.

“I have a question,” The attention was drawn to the end of the table again and you knew his voice well enough now to know that it was Sehun speaking out of turn again.

“Shut up, Sehun,” Both Jongdae and Minhee spoke at the same time and the taller man shrunk back down and dropped the hand that he actually had the audacity to raise into the air. 

He glued his lips together for exactly two seconds.

“It’s not about this,” his hand flipped back and forth quickly in the direction of your side of the table, “I was just going to ask if I can have more of this tea because it is a-maz-ing.” He drew out the final word in a self-indulgent sing-song tone and Jongdae choked on a strangled laugh beside him that was instantly cut short by something Minhee did under the table.

You were positive you felt a tremor somewhere echoing through the wooden table as someone, probably Minseok, shook their leg in discomfort. Although you assumed it was Minseok, from what you knew about him, you hoped and prayed to every god you could think up a name for that it was an earthquake that could possibly open a crack in the floor to swallow you down into.

The earth did not open up. You probably deserved this inconceivably uncomfortable punishment for your many crimes. Against Kwangseok, for the lies. Against Mr. and Mrs. Kim for the secrets. Against Minhee for the breach of trust. Against Sehun for the vividly detailed torture methods flying through your mind right now.

It took you longer than it should have to realize that Kwangseok wasn’t sitting back down after his horribly misappropriated toast. By the time you realized that he was still standing, the rest of the attention on the room had already been on him for at least a half a minute.

“Umm, speaking of new relationships, I actually have a bit of a proposal up my sleeve tonight.”

If the earth wouldn’t swallow you up, perhaps you could just drop dead, right here in your seat. Sudden heart attack? Brain hemorrhage maybe? The room was definitely spinning now, could someone die from vertigo?

You had to cover your own face. Everything about the things that were happening to you right now was overstimulating and you lifted both hands quickly, mouthing a quiet ‘oh-my-god’ just under your breath as you tried to seal out the world.

You heard your name, spoken not far from your face, yet with both hands covering your eyes you told yourself you wouldn’t look. If you didn’t have to see it, it didn’t have to be real right?

“Honey? I know we’ve only been seeing each other for a short time—“

It was less than a free trial subscription to a crappy magazine that you didn’t want to pay for.  
It wasn’t long enough to qualify for vacation time at a new job.  
And you wouldn’t exactly call it ‘seeing each other.’

“But honestly— c-can you look at me? Honestly, I can't picture myself being with any other woman.”

For the record, he kept talking even though you didn't look at him. He sounded like he was in big time lawyer mode anyway and you always hated the pushy way he spoke when he was replaying the court speeches he gave.

“So what I am asking is, will you be my girlfriend?”

Someone choked on something on the other side of the table. Big gasping breaths inhibited by liquid and the coughing began.

You pulled your hands down to the sounds of distress just in time to see Minseok push away from the table roughly and bolt out of the room, a gasping coughing mess. His face was red as he tried to hold it in, yet the pain he must have felt within his lungs must have been too intense to fight.

“Will you be mine?”

The coughing fit consumed him, somewhere behind you and your body moved on its own. He was going to injure his vocal chords if he kept coughing so hard. You could hear the strain already with each hard hack. You knew his voice had to be in good condition for his showcase tomorrow, this couldn’t continue. He needed to calm down.

You found him in the kitchen, gasping over the sink as he tried to clear his lungs and you laid a warm hand over his back as you leaned down to shush into his ear, telling him he needed to calm down and not cough so hard.

“Breathe. Deep breath, baby,” You said softly into his ear and his eyes watered as he tried to listen to you.

Something hard and strong pulled you back roughly and you spun away from Minseok who still tried to quiet the hard coughing with a hand over his own chest and his face screwed together in pain and concentration.

“Am I imagining things or did you just walk away from my proposal for this?” Kwangseok had a grip around your elbow, where he had spun you, demanding your attention as he made you look into his face.

“Kwangseok, he’s a singer. He can't injure his voice. I’m a doctor, what did you expect me to do?”

“You are a veterinarian.” The sneer in his voice surprised you, “What is he, your goldfish?” Every bit of sweetness was gone from his voice and his face betrayed his anger.

“Oh come on, asshole, you don't bring a goldfish to the doctor.” Sehun stood in the entryway of the kitchen chewing on something as he spoke a little bit too loudly to Jongdae and Minhee who stood beside him, watching the spectacle. “You just get a new one, they’re like a dollar.”

Kwangseok didn’t respond to the insult hurled at him. His eyes, his focus, and his anger were all on you and you felt yourself shrinking back under the pressure of it. You had never seen him this way before. You had no context to imagine he had this sort of rage inside of him, yet the longer he looked into your face the more you saw it.

“How about some truth for once in your life?” His lips hung open with his words and you bit down on your own when you felt the warm fingers of the man behind you grab your hand and pull you back and away from the anger before you. Kwangseok’s grip on your arm didn’t let up.

“Are you fucking him?” Kwangseok’s voice was too loud. It reverberated through your ears and your chest and you swam in it, trying desperately to breathe despite the crashing waves. “I find you and him together all the time. At your place early in the morning. Here in the fucking closet. Always together, and with some flimsy excuse.”

“Kwangseok, I think you need to leave.” Your own voice sounded too small. It was no match for his booming tone.

“Best friends? Yeah, fucking right. You—“ he broke the intense gaze he held your eyes with and looked off into space for a moment.

“You really are something. I could tell you were faking things with me. It never felt quite that convincing and I thought you couldn't possibly be this good of an actress. But now that I really think about it, you’re a professional liar. But now, now I know what you really are.”

“Tell me, what’s the going rate for a whore these days Minseok?”

“Okay, that’s enough,” You felt your body pulled again, less roughly this time, and the tight grip Kwangseok had held you with finally broke. Your arm tingled and ached where his grip had sunk in. “I should have dug that fucking hole.” Minseok was moving you out of the way and took your place standing in front of the taller man who shook with the anger that coursed through him.

“Don't get punched in the face, Hyung. We’ll get in trouble.” Sehun shouted a second before you saw someone swing and you flinched at the sudden movement and the unmistakable sound of a fist sinking hard into flesh. You heard a sickening crunch and Kwangseok lost his balance and dropped down to his knees as Minseok’s momentum pulled him around in a circle. He moved with the force like a dancer and grabbed his hand with a loud curse. HIs anger was louder than the pain in his hand and he spun back around, facing the man who wiped at the blood that collected on his bottom lip. The anger in both of their faces sent you into a panic as the reality of it hit you hard. They were fighting. Kwangseok was getting up off his knees and there was a terrifying look of unbridled rage

“That's right, she and I are dating. She’s never going to be yours, she’s already got me. So you can fuck right off with that ‘I can't picture myself with any other woman’ bullshit because I’ll rip your fucking head off if you even think about contacting her again.”

There was a gasping sound from someone else in the kitchen and rapid, disorienting movement all around you as people shouted. The panic had you on high alert when Kwangseok braced himself and swung fast and hard. Minseok was faster and he was smaller and motion of avoiding being hit sent him reeling back in your direction. His momentum sent him colliding with your shoulder before he moved fast on his feet to avoid hitting you head on. Your head spun as you tried to keep up with the commotion and you felt like your world was spinning right out of control and you were stuck in the middle of it.

The fight had pushed you back, nestled in a corner of the kitchen with no outlet; long counters on one side and the wall at your back. Minseok blocked you with his arm across your chest, keeping you from getting directly in between the two of them, trying his best to shield you from it, while still on high alert, his stance looked ready to swing again. Kwangseok seemed oblivious to you and you briefly wondered if he gave you a second thought as he swung his big fist wildly, trying to connect with any flesh he could find.

You could see it happening Kwangseok, threw a low punch aiming for the space where you and Minseok stood. There was a shift backward and you felt the push. You couldn’t feel any pain though and you soon realized the shift he had made as the hit connected. You heard a grunt and Minseok doubled over into himself with his arm over his stomach and a whoosh of air from his lips as he tried to breathe back in again.

Minseok plucked himself back up; a look on his face that told you he wasn’t recovered from the blow but was acting out of sheer willpower and determination and you felt the absence of his protective warmth. He took a step, and then another, before he abruptly came up short, stopping dead in his tracks as if he had hit a wall, his eyebrows furrowed and he looked confused.

Kwangseok’s forward attack had been halted by something. From where you could see around the shield of his body, it was clear that Kwangseok was struggling against someone.

Someone even smaller than Minseok. Someone who had somehow stopped the scrimmage with a single hand gripped tightly around Kwangseok’s ear. Mrs. Kim’s face was full of a mother’s anger as she pulled hard and mercilessly and Kwangseok yelped out in pain as he desperately tried to he crouched down to her level. She did not relent. Her anger was too overwhelming and it radiated off of her in waves as she moved. The taller man shouted as her hand tightened and his feet scrambled to keep up with her motion. She pulled him out of the kitchen and toward the front door.

From the grip she had around his ear, it honestly looked in danger of being pulled right off and his face turned bright red in anguish.

“No wonder you are still single at your age,” She berated him as she pulled harder with each furious word from her lips. “I’ve never seen such blatant disrespect for women in my life, do you know how hard she had to work to become a doctor? And you speak to her in that way, you don't deserve someone like her. You’ve never had to work for anything in your stupid spoiled life.”

The panic and commotion in the home brought out every housekeeper into the foyer and someone pulled the front door open as Mrs. Kim approached. She gave a rough shove and finally let go of the man’s ear. He tumbled onto the front porch, hands flying up to his ear in pain and she was quick with the door at his back as she shoved it closed roughly with both hands splayed high up on the solid oak.

Her breathing was rough and fast and you watched with a hand over your own mouth and your own breathing too fast. Your heartbeat was quick and you felt close to tears with the emotions that raged through your body, but Mrs. Kim… Mrs. Kim was still facing the door with her hands in place from where she pushed it closed. The man was gone but she didn't move a muscle, outside of the deep heavy breathing you saw.

“Mom,” Minseok spoke up after a pause, alarm, and panic in his voice and he was brushing past you at the same time as Minhee rushed to her side.

Once they touched her she turned around, her face ghostly and her eyes betrayed her shock.

“I’m shaking,” she said to herself and she examined her own hands in front of her face as if the sight was something fascinating. As if she hadn’t just been thrust into something horrible to witness and even worse to have to intervene in. She was trembling and you felt as if you might just be sick knowing you were somehow the cause of this.

The spell broke after a half a minute and she looked up, searching the faces of the onlookers carefully until she reached your face and she held your eyes within her own almost as tightly as she had gripped Kwangseok’s ear as she began to move toward you, closing the distance as quickly as she could. She broke free from the touches and grasps of her two worried children who tried in vain to get her to respond to their questions about her well being.

Her eyes, those beautiful eyes that looked just like her son’s, those eyes that always looked at you with love for most of your life. She had caught you in those eyes and this time the color of her eyes was blurred by something else. Your stomach was in knots. The dirty rotten truth was out for her and everyone else to see and you couldn’t quite prepare yourself for the consequences of that truth.

She shook off her children and you saw her descent seconds before you felt her cold trembling hands reach for your own.

Worry. The look in her eyes that felt so blinding, yet impossible to turn away from, was her worry.

“Are you okay? He didn’t hurt you did he?” She was fussing over you. You had betrayed her so completely and she was worried about you. You stared like a shell-shocked prisoner of war, unable to form a single word with your lips. Overcome with emotions as the turmoil from the struggle left your body, you were left with a crevasse that needed to be filled.

The dams had broken with the storm and you were left empty and vulnerable. You were being inundated.

There was an unstoppable wave flooding through you that started at your chest and you felt it rise up quick and hot like a pot boiling over. You felt her hands rub lightly on the arm that Kwangseok had grabbed and you couldn't process any feelings when she touched the spot, asking you if it hurt. Asking you if you needed to see a doctor, or if you thought it would need some ice. She looked at you with tears in her eyes that went ignored and her words to Kwangseok surged through your mind again and again.

You don't deserve someone like her.  
You don't deserve her.

Had her opinion of you always been this high?  
Had she really loved you just as much as you loved her?

The trembling began in your bottom lip but was fast and complete with its journey through your body. You felt the tears flooding over your face and you realized that the trembling must have sent them free. Mrs. Kim’s arms were tight around your shoulders and she steered you, ordered someone to bring water and told Minseok to step back for the fifth time before he actually did. He lingered only a step behind. You left the tears to fall and when you looked back at him you wondered if his hand was okay. You wondered if it hurt.

“I’m sorry,” she was saying into your ear. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t know. Oh, I’ve been so stupid.”

Your tears were beginning to ebb, yet her words were vague to you. You couldn't be certain what she was sorry for. For bringing Kwangseok into your life? Was that really what she was apologizing for?

How was she to know it would turn so badly? He had been so good at hiding his true nature to you and certainly, she would have no way of knowing either. You knew deep inside of your soul that you were hardly free from any blame for this. You knew better than anyone the long list of mistakes you had made.

You sat on the cushy sofa in her office, holding a warm cup of tea, wrapped up in a warm blanket as you watched the silent women who sat in an armchair staring ahead at nothing.

Minseok stood a few feet from both of you, leaning a hip against the large mahogany desk in the center of the room. Now that the initial shock had worn off you found yourself looking at their faces, trying to gauge the vibe of this. Mrs. Kim remained steady and silent as she sat in her seat, every now and then, breathing out a deep sigh that never grew into anything but more agonizing minutes of thick silence.

Your focus traveled again and again to Minseok, each time you looked at him, his eyes would sense your attention and he would look at you. Every now and then he would rock on his feet and bang his hip lightly against the wooden desk, biting down on his lip and playing with the stack of post-it notes that sat on the desk.

He didn't dare speak.  
You sure as hell didn't dare speak.

“Will you please...sit down somewhere.” When she finally broke the silence, her voice was tired and Minseok looked up from the stack of post-it's he had been flipping with his thumb, dipped his head once before taking two steps toward where you sat on the couch.

He stopped and turned to look back behind the desk at the leather office chair there and he took two steps in that direction, away from where you sat on the couch before looking back once more where you sat on the couch.

“Uhh,” he tested his voice and Mrs. Kim sighed another deep sigh that made his legs stop moving in either direction. “W-Where—“

“Just sit anywhere,” She interrupted his indecision with an annoyed tone and he took two wide steps in your direction. The couch dipped where he sat next to you and the comforting warmth of him flooded your side. His presence gave you just a smidgen of hope that you might be able to get through this.

“How long have you two been seeing each other?” Her words were not directed at either of you specifically. Her focus remained on the open space above her desk. As if she wasn’t quite prepared to ask head on. The burden of the truth was tough enough. Looking at you as it happened was too much.

“I asked her to be my girlfriend this morning,” Minseok said quietly and you looked into his blinking eyes that found yours the instant you sought him out.

This morning. It wasn't technically a lie. That really did happen just this morning. It felt like a month ago already with all that had transpired. She was quiet as she digested his response, no doubt fact-checking it with whatever memory she had of you and Minseok together in her extensive memory bank and her face flinched once, eyebrows furrowing down, she shook her head.

She wasn't buying what he was selling. What mother would, after the passion and emotions he had just displayed freely and uninhibited in that kitchen, the certainly sensed more to the story. That fight wasn’t the result of a one-day relationship.

“How long, for real?” She said in a flat tone and you both stiffened at the question that required the honest to god truth.

“We’ve been —umm, well, it’s complicated, but two years” Minseok said. His eyes were on his mother and his answer wasn't as timid as it was with the first question. It felt like a confession pulled straight from his soul. The genuine truth felt easier to pull from his lips once he started talking about it. He licked his lips and sat up straighter. “Two years and twenty-six days if I’m to be completely honest, but I did ask her to be my girlfriend just this morning. That was true.”

His addition made you want to smile and you bit down on your lip to stop it. He knew the date of your first kiss. The date you both finally gave in to it. You had thought it was just you who had that date tattooed on your heart. You had one free hand that rested on your thigh below the blanket and you moved it so your fingertips peeked out from the fleece.

It only took a moment before he moved and his fingertips brushed against yours lightly.

“And what was he doing for those two years before he asked you to be his girlfriend?”

She was speaking to you now and you looked into her eyes that begged the truth from your lips with a tongue inside your mouth that simply didn't want to cooperate.

“Umm—“ you began, hoping a jump start might give you some words to answer this question with.

“Being stupid,” he said softly beside you and you licked your lips before you cleared your throat.

“He was being stupid, Mrs. Kim,” you said. Mrs. Kim shook her head slightly and she rolled her eyes just enough for effect without being overt.

“That boy...he does have a tendency for that,” she said.

His hand moved further over yours, slipping under the blanket to rest over your fingers, he closed his grip and held on tight.

“How could this have happened?” She still didn't turn to look at you, but she was wringing her hands together now, showing more signs of movement and less of that maddening silent stillness that had you so terrified. “First Minhee and Jongdae, and now you two.”

“I just fell in love, Mom,” Minseok said and his mother finally turned to look at him. “I’m so in love with her.” He said again with quiet reverence in his voice that made you look up into his profile.

When his eyes bounced back to yours you felt blinded by him. His full attention on you was driving west during the sunset. “I love you,” he whispered only to you before he closed his eyes and sighed, dropping his chin to his chest with a calm defeat in his voice that you felt reflected inside your own body.

“I love you too,” you said and he tilted his head into it, with his eyes still closed. His face didn’t change much but there was a shift somewhere in his eyebrows as peace took over and everything else smoothed over.

“Minseok, will you excuse us for a minute?” Mrs. Kim interrupted the moment with her blunt question and you felt a coldness overtake the warmth he had just given you.

A switch flipped and he went rigid.

“Why? Mom—” The grip around your hand below the blanket was pulled and he nestled your hand over his lap between his thighs. It felt possessive and your lips parted on their own as you breathed in the perfume of his possession. Its fragrance was new and intoxicating.

“Anything you have to say to her, you can say to me.” He hadn’t ever fought for you before today. Yet, again and again, he did it. Meaning it every single time he did it. Kim Minseok was breaking all of his own records and your chest overflowed with how much you liked it.

“I’m going to give her the safe sex talk I gave you when your voice started to change, only this one is slightly different, women to women.”

His grip on your hand went loose and he pushed your hand carefully back below the blanket.

“You see dear, sex is a beautiful thing—“

He dropped your hand entirely, simply letting go of the careful grip with which he once held so tightly, it dropped unceremoniously. He was spooked for sure and he was getting the hell out of here.

You felt abandoned and looked up into his face with a small pout but he was already starting to lean far back and away from you, his eyes narrowed on the woman still talking across from him in her armchair where she had obviously been holding back on this powerful weapon she now wielded against him.

“Sex with the person you love is a very healthy and important part of any relationship. Why just this morning Mr. Kim and I—“

“FINE,” he jumped straight up and shouted as if he had been burned by something hot. Minseok was instantly wound too tight. She was good. He had been outmatched and it was running time, “—fine, you can stop that, I am going. I’ll go. Just don’t...don’t say anything like that ever, ever again, for the love of God, Mom—“ his face screwed together as he stood up, “ugh!”

You were pretty sure you heard the word ‘traumatized’ among the others he mumbled as he left the room.

Minseok could sure move fast when he wanted to.

The click of the door closing bathed the room in a new silence. She didn't continue speaking or even make an attempt at fulfilling her threat of a sex talk, that was simply a ploy to get him out of the room. She knew her son well. Well...perhaps not as well as she had thought all along. You, the evidence of just how little she knew of him, were sitting here watching her face as she closed her eyes and lifted a hand to her forehead and tapped lightly with her fingertips along the crease between her eyebrows. The worry lines that a lifetime of raising a family brought her.

You harbored some hope within your heart that those lines would have been replaced with the sweeter laugh lines that lived around her lips and crinkled her eyes. Yet she sat with her hand over her face, tapping between her eyebrows as the silence in this office grew louder and hummed against your eardrums.

“I’m not—“ her sudden words broke the silence and you had grown so used to the hum that the change in tone made you jump. She inhaled a breath and her hand fell from her face as her eyes found yours.

“I'm not upset about this.” Her voice was softer than when she first began. Or perhaps your ears had adjusted to sound again.

“You aren’t?” She looked into your eyes now, her unobstructed attention danced along your face and she blinked slowly before she responded.

“No. I’m not. You’re a smart girl. A smart woman. If he has won the heart of someone like you, I suppose he must have done something right.” Her eyes broke their focus and that hope surged up inside your chest again. Would she really accept this? Accept you with her son?

“I’m sure you’ve been through enough already. Judging by the display I saw earlier, it’s obvious you’ve both been through something that goes beyond me and my wishes.”

Had she always wished someone else for him? Someone different? Someone just like Sohee?

“Clearly I'm surprised.”  
“I never suspected the two of you, although now,” she let out a dry laugh, “now...I must really be an idiot. God, he doesn’t even go two seconds without looking at you when you’re around.”  
“But he's always been like that since he was younger. I used to catch him just staring...I remember it now.” You saw the smile growing on her lips and she laughed again. The crease between her eyes smoothed out and you watched her in quiet wonder.

Her face was far away as she relived the memories. “No, I'm not upset. I should have known. The clues were there all along.”

“Mrs. Kim—“ you pulled her from the memories. If there was anything the woman deserved with this enormous dose of truth, it was an apology. Perhaps the apology was to help ease some of your own heavy burdens. “I’m so sorry. For lying to you for so long, for lying about all of it. For hiding it and for — for,” the words were harder to extract the more detailed they grew on the tip of your tongue. Sharp little things, with jagged edges you could feel the tiny cuts they made on the surface of your tongue as they were tossed around your mouth.

“I’m sorry for Kwangseok, I kept it from him too, he was angry and upset about my lies. It was a horrible place I put him in. He—He reacted—“ you couldn't. You swallowed it away, trying to speak through it, but the guilt had an appetite all of its own.  
“I lied to you, I lied to Minhee, and Mr. Kim all because—” your voice was unstable again, threatening to break. The tears that had only just dried an hour before crested again. The burning in your eyes reminded you just how weak you had become.

“I’ve loved him forever. I have loved him forever. I didn't think I was allowed to love him. And so I lied to myself and I told myself it was nothing. And when it turned into something I lied to you all. And I just want you to know how sorry I am. For all the trouble that I’ve caused.”

You didn't even see her move. Your chest ached and you felt the world swallowing you up and there was a new warmth around your shoulders as the tears fell.

“Honey,” warm arms wrapped around you tight enough to squeeze out every last drop of pain you had left inside of you, “Shh—“ She said and her hands rubbed against your back.

Her warmth was all-encompassing. The warmth of a mother that felt inviting and loving. It felt unconditional, and you cried harder as she held you tight.

You could feel it pass. The cries quieted, the gentle rocking in her arms stilled and when you were beginning to feel the embarrassment for your breakdown you felt her pull back. She sat on the couch beside you now and when she let you go you felt warm hands cup your face. She was watching you and the softness you knew so well that lived inside of her smiled back at you.

“You will do well my dear.” She whispered. You felt it deep inside. She was right. You nodded your head in agreement and her smiled widened.

“But—“ there was a pause. “How many times have I told you to call me Mom?”

Your laughter burst from your chest. Her gentle reminder tickled against your heart and you couldn’t help the smile. So you agreed with the biggest nod of your head you could manage with her still holding your face.

“Okay, Mom.”

“Good, now go tell and Minseok that the two of you are cleaning up my dining room and my kitchen after the mess you have both caused tonight. I’m going to bed”

You left her behind in her office, being sure to close the door quietly as you left and you made your way down the hallway toward the living room. You could hear the boisterous voices echoing down the hallway and it sounded animated and lively. You heard at least six distinct voices and from the entryway, you could see the source. You watched quietly from behind the large sectional sofa as Sehun, Minseok, Jongdae, and Minhee sat beside each other, a cell phone propped up on a selfie stick and on the screen, you could recognize Chanyeol and Junmyeon, and probably some others on the call that you couldn't see.

“And then Minseok Hyung said, ‘fuck you—she’s mine!’ And he just punched him in the face!” Jongdae was talking, too loudly and too excited and Minseok groaned from in between the other two men in the room as they seemed to be holding him hostage for the phone call. Minhee giggled from behind Jongdae and offered alternate versions of the story as Sehun described the way Kwangseok lost his balance and fell to his knees.

“I didn't even say that,” Minseok said in an annoyed voice to Jongdae who laughed even louder.

“I think you broke his nose. I definitely saw blood. Did you know Hyung could punch so hard? You were so cool!” Sehun said with animated eyes and a wide smile. “This is the best dinner I’ve ever been to.”

You’d had enough lurking in the shadows. You and Minseok had a job to complete now. You were both on clean-up duty tonight for your very messy, very troubling secret behavior and it was best to get these unpleasant things over and done with so you could get back to the fun stuff. Like shared movie nights cuddled up together under a single blanket where secret touches and stolen kisses liked to hide.

You stepped quietly, your pace careful and light enough to make not a sound. You caught the flashes of recognition on the faces of the people on the screen. Their smiles dropped a little and their eyes widened as you approached him from behind.

Your steps felt lighter than air. Your heart was soaring with a multitude of emotions. Relief. Happiness. Elation. Love.

The love was a big one.

You reached for the nape of his neck with your hand and the feeling of the strands of his hair slipping between your fingers as you combed your hand lightly through was a sensation you had always particularly enjoyed. His hair was soft and his scalp was warm against the pads of your fingers and his surprise made him stiffen before he moved.

Minseok threw his head back against the couch cushion behind him and the laughter and conversation that had been so noisy quieted down to a whisper when you bent at the waist and placed a careful kiss on his surprised and parted lips. It was upside down, but the effect was strong.

“Come on, baby. We’ve got to get to work. You mom says we both have to clean up the dining room and the kitchen as punishment for being bad.” He was frozen solid; watching you with wide eyes as he looked at you upside down from his spot between his friends on the sofa and you could definitely make out a pink tinge on his cheeks at the very brazen display you had just shown them all.

When he got up, it was as quickly as he could and he didn’t bother with walking around the couch. Instead, with a quick spin and a leap he was jumping over the back of the sofa as the reaction to his hasty escape exploded behind him in a chorus of hoots and hollers, both in person and on the small screen. The noise was shocking.

To his benefit, he tried his best to ignore the egging on from his friends, but the wide smile on his face was reaction enough for them. You weren’t sure you could even follow much of the banter coming from the group. Not when you felt Minseok grab ahold of your hand and pull you away from the living room toward the kitchen with a wink on his pretty face. “We should probably clean the pantry too.”

 

 

THE END


End file.
